Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am 36 years old and have a new boyfriend after having been single for a few years. I find intercourse painful every time and wonder what suggestions you might have. I almost want to give up dating but maybe there is another way.

–Embarrassed (England)

DEAR EMBARRASSED:

Please continue dating. There is no reason this has to keep you from being in a relationship.

Keep communicating with your boyfriend. If he’s the one for you, he’ll understand and work through this with you.

First of all, talk to your doctor or health-care professional to ensure there’s not a physical issue that needs to be addressed. There are a number of possible medical causes for this, so talk to your doctor about possible causes and solutions.

If there are no particular medical conditions, start by experimenting with the following:

1)    Be sure to use condoms and practice safe sex.

2)    Engage in lots of foreplay and wait till you feel completely comfortable and turned on before penetration, and use plenty of lubricant.

3)    When you’re not sexually active and your hormone levels could be changing, it may help to keep everything nicely elastic on your own while you’re single. It’s generally easier to keep things maintained through regular sex (including with yourself even when you are not with a partner). However, you can still get your body used to accommodating something inside of you with yourself or with your partner, perhaps starting with something smaller like maybe a finger, then two, etc. Medical vaginal dilator kits are also available, and you can go up in size gradually, getting your body used to accommodating something inside of you until you can physically enjoy intercourse with your new boyfriend without discomfort.

On an energetic level, release any fear or blocks about intimacy and any energy that doesn’t serve you between you and your partner as well as any fears about being vulnerable or getting hurt. Then reset your sexual space to comfort and ease and pleasure.

Enjoy the journey!