HELP! I DON’T HAVE ORGASMS WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have never had an orgasm with my new boyfriend. What can I do to help this?

—Isabel (Spain)

DEAR ISABEL:

There are a number of factors that may contribute to this situation. If you have never had an orgasm, write to me again and clarify and I will give you some additional recommendations. If you have been able to have an orgasm on your own and/or with past boyfriends in the recent past, then you might want to consider the following:

1) Communication is very important. Let your boyfriend know what feels good to you, both verbally and by showing him what pleases you.

2) Relax as much as possible. Maybe you could take a nice hot bath first or do some yoga or meditation so you can really be in a relaxed and open state of mind.

3) Prolong the foreplay. You might also want to incorporate some fun toys into your foreplay. Try the butterfly, the JimmyJane,  or the Eroscillator (http://www.eroscillator.com). I’ve heard good things about the Eroscillator although it does have a slightly disturbing resemblance to dental equipment. Ha ha.  You might also want to try some lube like Sylk or Astroglide.

4) Practice safe sex with condoms and whatever form of birth control your health-care provider recommends. Ease of mind translates to ease of body. There are all kinds of  fun condoms, including ribbed and other textured ones that may be fun for you as well.

5) Explore different positions, perhaps with you on top so you can set the rhythm and pace that your body needs. You might want to play with the coital alignment technique (CAT) as well, which is a very popular position that will allow full-body contact and eye contact if you wish. And even with the CAT, experiment. Even an almost imperceptible shift in positioning or angle can make a huge difference in your experience and pleasure, so play and see what you like and what is right for you and for the two of you together.

6) Notice the energetic dynamics between you and your boyfriend. In order to have an orgasm, you must let go of control energetically.  If this is difficult for you only with this boyfriend in particular and you haven’t had this issue with previous boyfriends, that could be your body telling you that it just doesn’t feel that safe with this particular person. If this is the case, notice that and think about if there is something in particular that can be addressed that makes you not feel safe with this particular man. If not, it could be that your body’s knowingness is telling you there may be some reason this isn’t really the right  match for you.

7) Be in the present moment and enjoy each part of the journey of your time with your boyfriend, from conversation to foreplay to each phase after. Enjoy each moment and each sensation for what it is. If you focus too much on an end goal of orgasm, you are in effort, and effort is a form of resistance, which will tend to push away an orgasm energetically. So just enjoy and let the orgasm unfold from within you organically. You might even want to play with just relaxing in bed together initially, with no intercourse. Play and touch each other and ask each other what feels good in a no-pressure situation, and just explore and have fun.

8) Contact your physician if you continue to have difficulties reaching an orgasm. There could be medical reasons for this, or even different prescriptions you’re taking that are affecting your body’s sexual drive and response.

The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the exploration. Enjoy your body, enjoy the love, and enjoy your boyfriend!

HOW CAN I BECOME A 20/20 PSYCHIC?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Sometimes I think I am pretty psychic. Sometimes I know things exactly and sometimes I’m way off base. Like for example, I often know what’s going on with my best friend, sometimes before she even knows. And then last week, I thought something really amazing happened to her and then it turned out she had a really rough day instead. What’s up with that?

—Laurel, New Zealand

DEAR LAUREL:

I see that you are actually incredibly psychic. There are a number of complicated factors that can cause your psychic sight to be a little off, which is why clairvoyant schools often run one-year programs.

There are many reasons why psychic vision can be temporarily askew, but here are a few possible reasons why you may be off sometimes:

1)    Sometimes energetic white noise around the person you’re reading (or around yourself) may keep you from seeing clearly.

2)    Many psychics tend to read the pictures of what a person wants people to see, or what they themselves wish to see, instead of actually reading the energy of spirit.

3)    Sometimes when we’re not grounded in ourselves, that tends to affect our ability to see clearly. This can be particularly true when we’re grounding through a close friend or lover, which we may do unknowingly.

Have fun and keep practicing. Psychic seeing is like practicing hoops or piano or any other thing one wants to get good at. Happy clear seeing!

FROM HEARTACHE TO HEART OPENING

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do I rid the pain in my chest over a lost love?

—Melie (United States)

DEAR MELIE:

Thank you for asking this question. We all experience heartache at one time or another, so your question will help many.

One thing that is happening when we feel that heartache is we’re actually experiencing a heart opening. Often, when we feel that ache in our chest, we fight it and we want that pain to go away, sometimes burying it deeper inside of ourselves where it becomes even more stuck instead of simply releasing.

Sometimes, too, we can distract ourselves from the pain, fooling ourselves into thinking we’re making the pain go away,  instead putting a temporary Band-Aid® on it. We can distract ourselves from heartache by busying ourselves with meaningless tasks, watching TV, or even directing our romantic feelings towards someone else. Although those things may make us feel better for a little while, it doesn’t help us in the long run because it’s just burying the pain deeper even if it numbs the pain for a little while.

I encourage you to really let your heart fully feel that pain for a while. If it’s hard to let yourself go there, maybe you can start by watching some sad movies and letting it all come out. Sometimes it’s easier for us to let ourselves be moved by someone else’s pain than our own. In the end, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you allow yourself to open up the floodgates and to release whatever needs to go.

When you’re strong, sometimes it’s hard to let yourself feel sad or to cry because we’ve been trained to associate crying with weakness. In reality, though, only the truly strong and courageous can let themselves be soft and vulnerable, allowing us truly access the depths of our power as a whole individual.

One more thing you can do as you’re opening up your heart space is to create even more space for your beautiful heart that feels things so intensely. Keep opening up your heart space and filling it with love for yourself, joy, peace, connection to the Divine, and whatever else you’d like.

Enjoy this process, braveheart. The extent to which you feel that pain is the extent to which you can feel joy and love, and to receive love as well. Cherish that brave and beautiful heart of yours, Melie, and let it release the old grief to make room for joy.

(Note: Readers, I’m talking about emotional pain here. If you ever experience chest pain that you even suspect is medically related, call 911 immediately!

WHEN TO SWITCH CAREERS

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Is this a good year to switch careers and do what truly sings to my soul?

—K.G. (United States)

DEAR K.G.:

Now is always a good time to do what sings to your soul. Only you can decide, however, the best timing to make that happen. Start by looking at your finances and making a plan to build and implement your new career and gradually phase out the old career, deciding what works best for you.

If you have a family or others who depend on you financially or otherwise, talk to them to enlist their help and support. Perhaps that means enabling you to claim one room in the home just for your work or simply respecting your time and boundaries when you are in your home office.

If you want to become an artist, for example, can you reduce the hours of your workweek and start devoting more time to your art? Or if you want to develop a practice as an intuitive or a healer, perhaps you could start out by doing sessions every Saturday morning as you build your practice. Envision what you’d like the final result to look like and take the first step.

Once you’ve committed time and space to what you wish to do in your next career, take concrete steps to make that happen. Tell your friends and family your plan so they can give you moral support and maybe help you spread the word. Next, maybe you could make business cards or a website or whatever next step is important to build your business.

To start a new career, it’s also important to ground the energy and time allotted to that new career you’re building. For example, if you want to start a cleaning business, even if no new clients have called yet, spend time in your home office grounding the energy, visualizing what you’re creating, and doing tasks specifically related to that business—working on new flyers or whatever else needs to be done, for example.

Congratulations on listening to your soul’s song. May its music carry you with light along your path.

HOW DO I FORGET THE PAST?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do I let go of things? Is there a way to get better at forgetting the past?

—N.C. (Nepal)

DEAR N.C.:

Perhaps you don’t have to necessarily forget the past, but we do have to let the past go when it keeps us from fully enjoying the present and embracing the future. We can keep our memories of events but sometimes what we need is to let go of the energy of those events. For example, if I hurt someone or if someone hurt me, I can take the lesson of that event in my life. For instance, maybe I need to be more careful of the words that come out of my mouth because I will never be able to unsay them if I hurt someone with careless words. Or if someone purposely hurt me, perhaps I am to take the lesson of discernment in the people I hang out with.

The key is not to get stuck in any energies of regret or anger. Or course, you can feel those emotions, but don’t let yourself get trapped in those energies. Just feel them and let those energies pass through you so you can let the energies of difficult times go while keeping the lessons (and joy) of any event.

Sometimes it is helpful to validate the past (even the hard parts) as what made you who you are today. Every event, every person you encounter, whether things turned out the way you wanted to or not, can be a teaching. So accept that teaching with gratitude and thank those events or people who made you who you are today.

I wish you much love and grace as you move on into your future.

CREATING WHAT YOU WANT

The Wright Brothers could not invent the airplane without having the faith that humans could fly.  But the creative process requires imagination as well as faith.  To stop war, we must first imagine peace.  To eliminate poverty, we must imagine abundance.  To paint a masterpiece, we must imagine beauty.  To change, to make a fresh start and to live up to our highest, fullest potential, we must not only imagine a better future for ourselves, but imagine it over and over at each step of the way, knowing that the sun still exists even when it is night.”  

—Naomi Hoshino Horii (from Celestial Seasonings tea box, www.celestialseasonings.com)

Every Sunday, I will share a fun quote or photo or something else that tickles my fancy. I invite you to email me at askdalimama@gmail.com if you have something to share for Sunday’s Share. 

LOVE YOUR BUTT! LOVE IT, I SAY!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you make friends with a generous boot-ay?

—A.M. (United States)

DEAR A.M.:

Fortunately, I am well qualified to answer your question. Ha ha.

Start out by really validating your body, every single part of it, including your booty! Thank your booty for taking the weight off your feet while sitting, and for everything else it does for you. Harvard Med research even points to generous cabooses being linked to helping fight diabetes, so thank your curvy derriere for that as well!

When we get resistant to certain things (whether it’s our weight or someone we’re trying to get away from), they tend to stick. Hence the saying: “What we resist, persists.” Also when we focus on something we’re not crazy about, our energy tends to strengthen whatever you’re resisting. So the more you focus on you’re the size of booty, the more sizable it may become. When you start to validate it, it’ll shift to match whatever it’s meant to be in your divine perfection much more easily.

Finally, own that booty and delight in your curves. Wear clothes that show off your booty, whether it’s with nicely fitted jeans (maybe with a bootleg cut to balance out your beautiful womanly proportions) or maybe a tulip pencil skirt.  Many people try to hide what they consider “flaws,” but end up with a not-so-flattering potato-sack look that makes them look a lot bigger (and shapeless) than they actually are.

When you view yourself and carry yourself with pride, others will be able to appreciate you even more. I love my bodacious butt and have gotten nothing but appreciation from those lucky enough to keep company with it! And women like Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce probably haven’t gotten any complaints either—at least not from anybody that can appreciate beauty in its divine form.

So shake your booty with pride, sister! And you brothers too! Everybody, shake your booty!

ENERGETICALLY SPEAKING, WHICH TOPPING GOES BEST WITH A VARIETY OF ICE-CREAM FLAVORS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Energetically speaking, which topping goes best with a variety of ice cream flavors?

—B.A. (United States)

DEAR B.A.:

Well, I’d say follow your heart (and listen to your gut) on that one. Ha ha!

Personally, I love a combination of toppings—hot chocolate doused over vanilla-bean ice cream, caramel sauce drizzled over vanilla or any light-colored ice cream, fresh strawberries, and chopped peanuts or almonds for a little crunch. You can even throw on a little sesasonal garnish on top for fun—crumbled candy cane in December or a fresh mint leaf on St. Patty’s Day.

One man even brought me organic vanilla ice cream with bits of vanilla bean topped with a handful of glorious edible violets. It was one of the many things that made me fall in love with him.

Keep these thoughts in mind as you’re choosing:

Chocolate fudge: Rich, dense, and complex. A topping for someone who is willing to stop and savor life and appreciate the duality of hot on cold and its resulting interaction.

Caramel sauce: A topping for the adventurer who likes to mix up unexpected combinations—wasabi and mayo, black pepper in lemon cake, or even sweet and sour shrimp. A topping to sweeten the uncharted path!

Strawberries: Great for someone that can take the tart with the sweet as well as for nature lovers. Plus, that pop of red on top of ice cream always makes you feel just a little bit happier than you already were.

Chopped Nuts: Perfect for someone who loves texture and isn’t afraid of the grittiness of life. Great also for a grounded, earthy sensation. (Also, nuts are generally good for your health.) Chopped peanuts are great for the “boy/girl next door” type. If you’re a “health nut” (ha ha), try raw almonds, which help prevent cancer. For the gourmand, try some hazelnuts or macadamian nuts.

Sprinkles: For the fun, festive soul who likes variety and balloons and sparkles and parties. The energy of sprinkles is clear and defined, yet with an appreciation of the differences between people. People who love sprinkles tend to know how to receive joy from the little things in life.

Gummy bears: I am a little biased on this one because I am something of a gummy-bear purist. Although I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone who wants some soft, multicolored fun populating their ice-cream bowl. Perfect for the thorough sensualist who likes to savor each bite.

Whipped cream: You can have a lot of fun with this one. Need I say more?

Food is one of my favorite topics—something I could discuss at great length. (As you can probably tell.)

Thanks, B.A.! Happy eating!

(Readers, what toppings do you love and what energies do you associate with the different toppings?)

HOW DO I STAY TRUE TO MYSELF?

DEAR DALI MAMA:
I get influenced very easily and by many people. I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Please advise.
—N.C., Nepal
DEAR  N.C.,
Your simply asking this question exhibits the wisdom of your soul and the readiness to make a change towards being able to make decisions from your spirit’s wisdom and knowingness rather than being influenced by others.
Being influenced easily in and of itself is not necessarily a good or bad thing because it means you are open-minded and not stuck in some kind of dogma. Instead, you are open to learning and being present to your own divine truth. This being said, it is important to learn to be grounded so that you can make decisions and act from your truth rather than swayed by others’ truth or perhaps others’ agendas that are not be based on your best interest (e.g., someone who wants to sell something you don’t really need or wants to manipulate you for their own benefit). Or even if they are well intentioned, they may not know the truth, much less the best choice for you. What if Mozart’s father had believed Mozart could never succeed as a musician? Or if religious institutions successfully convinced Galileo his work was against God?
There are two great steps you can take to start to be able to discern what influences support you in your path and which don’t: 1) grounding and 2) cultivating discernment.
Grounding will help you stay centered and be more aware of what is right for you. Contact me through www.holdinglightproductions.com, requesting a free recording of a grounding exercise if you would like one. Those who practice martial arts know how important is it to stay grounded. If someone is not grounded, they can easily get thrown by an opponent, or can even stumble or trip all on their own. If a martial artist is grounded, however, it is much more difficult for an opponent to knock them down and they can also be much more agile and move quickly and instinctively when they remain grounded.
Cultivating discernment will help you objectively notice different influences in your life and how they are influencing you. When you are with certain people, do you find yourself constantly doing things that go against yourself? For example, if you are a student, do you have any friends who always urge you to go party with them instead of studying? Or if you are single, do you have any friends who seem to sabotage (perhaps  not consciously) any new relationships, perhaps by disparaging (without reason) a new potential partner or getting angry if you spend any time with anyone but them?
If there are any people with whom you keep making choices that go against your highest good, notice that and make sure that you make choices that really feel good to you and that ultimately build your life in the direction you want. Spend more time with people who encourage you to be your best self and encourage you to be the best you can be, if only by modeling what that means to them in their own life. And even with people who are generally good influences, stay grounded and learn to listen to what your spirit says is the right choice for you in each moment. This is ultimately the way you learn to become the leader of your life, a leader of  your family, at your workplace, in your community, place of worship, or anywhere else you are.
Congratulations for the courage to look at this very important question.

HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been through a break-up and thought I was over him. By doing a lot of meditation, plus taking care of myself, I thought I had already moved on, especially because I haven’t thought about him in a while. Then, today, I ran into him briefly while I was with someone else. The conversation was basically hi and goodbye but I felt something in my heart, something heavy, like a pain. I do not understand why I felt this way. Also, he even gave me a small gift later that day. Please help me to understand what is going on and how to move on completely from him.
Regina (Brazil)

DEAR REGINA:

Love can be one of the most challenging issues, as well as the most rewarding. It’s very natural to feel pain about an old relationship, especially after running into an ex, as that can trigger more waves of old feelings and energies to release from the past. Validate that you could feel that heartache because it shows how much you are capable of feeling, and that’s a very beautiful thing. Also, the more you can feel (and thus have) that heartache, the more that you can feel (and have) joy, love, and more.

Seeing you with someone else may have triggered a little jealousy or regret in your ex, and him giving you a present was a way of trying to pull you back in. Receive the gift as a validation of what you had together, and keep on the path that is right for you, whatever that is.

Think about what makes you happy and focus first on creating a solid relationship with yourself and creating a life that you love. Have your energy for you. Don’t give any energy to your ex, whether that’s in the form of regretting the past, waxing nostalgic about what could have been, or resistance towards running into him. Just validate the past and what you and your ex learned from each other and let it all go to make space for something new and amazing.

Stay your beautiful and open-hearted self and enjoy the ride!

HOW CAN I GET EVERYTHING DONE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I can’t seem to manage the logistics of everyday life. Between the pressures of work, finances, establishing a social life, dealing with maintaining relationships, and running a household, I can’t seem to get everything done. Other people seem to manage those things but I feel like I am drowning in a pile of things I have to take care of. Please help.

John (from the United States)

DEAR JOHN:

You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the stress of managing your life and time. It’s called being human! That’s why there’s such a plethora of great resources out there—because so many are in the exact same boat. One great resource to begin with includes  the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey (www.franklincovey).

In getting yourself organized, start with five basic steps:

1) Ground yourself .  To ground, imagine a grounding cord going from the base of your spine, going deep into the center of the earth, allowing that grounding cord to help you release any energies you no longer need (stress, tension, chaos, etc.) deep into the center of the earth, where that energy will be neutralized. After you ground, fill up with energies that you would like (ease, amusement, your wholeness, your connection to the divine, etc.)  (For a free recording of a grounding meditation, email holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com with FREE GROUNDING EXERCISE in the subject line.)

2) Get enough rest. Getting enough sleep is key to feeling like you can cope. When you don’t rest, you’ll feel exhausted and then it’s even more difficult to get anything accomplished. When you take care of your body, giving it enough rest and anything else it needs (exercise, healthy food, etc.), it can support more effectively so you can get things done.

3) Set your intention and visualize what you’d like your life to look like. If you want calm mornings instead of running around to get everything done before you leave for work, set that intention and visualize (and FEEL) yourself getting up, calmly getting a simple breakfast ready, leisurely enjoying your breakfast, then walking out the door with plenty of time to spare in case of traffic.

4) Log how you are spending your time on a weekday. You might be surprised at where chunks of your time are going. Many people watch a few hours of TV per day as a way to try to recharge their batteries, but that time (or at least part of it ) might be better spent sleeping or taking care of things that don’t require a lot of focus. You can enjoy your favorite show while folding laundry or preparing the next day’s lunch or cleaning out your inbox, for example.  Once you know how you spend your time, you can change that according to your priorities. If there are things you are doing that you no longer enjoy, it’s time to reevaluate old habits or obligations, and to perhaps let some of them go.

5) Simplify. What is one easy way you can simply your life? Choose one small adjustment per week and incorporate it into your routine. For example, when you invite friends over, do you stress about having to prepare a whole meal for them? If so, have a potluck or just order pizza and serve it with ice tea or beer. True friends are really there for the company, right? And you just might set an example for everyone how to do it simply and allow everyone, including the hosts, to have fun. Or maybe instead of cooking a whole big breakfast, you could throw some fruit and veggies and flaxseeds into the blender and drink it on the way to work.

Many people get stressed trying to manage the logistics of being human. Sometimes perfectionism can be a part of that stress. Break things into small, manageable chunks and validate yourself for accomplishing each small task rather than looking at everything you have to do as one enormous unmanageable blob and punishing yourself for not tackling the huge blob that is everything you can’t deal with.

Also, inject each task with the energy of fun. While you’re doing the dishes, play your favorite songs and do a little victory “I finished the dishes” dance. Or whatever fun means to you.

Enjoy! And congratulations on looking at different ways to manage your life. It’s the first step towards change.

HELP! HOW DO I CHANGE CAREERS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I need to renter the workplace soon, after having done unconventional work for the past 2 1/2 years and had some time out. I really don’t want to do office work anymore (I find it soul destroying) even though that’s what my strength on paper is.  How do I go about manifesting a different type of work, something I have never done before, completely tailored to my needs and that pays abundantly?  S.P. (from the United Kingdom)

DEAR S.P.,

I applaud your courage in changing careers.

What do you love to do so much that time disappears when you’re doing it? Remember too the things you used to do as a kid when hours would go by without you noticing. Write those things down and start from there. For example, if your passion is movies, write down “Movies” and think about where you can go from there. What aspect of movies do you love the most?

If you love to watch movies and analyze them, you could start your own movie-review blog. If you do a good job consistently and get it out there, you can bring in revenue or even syndicate your column.

If you’d like to make movies, start by doing a short and posting it on YouTube. One of my clients made their own short animation for fun, posted it on YouTube and aired it on public TV, and got a lucrative offer from an international movie-production company. These days, many people’s phones can produce decent-quality shorts that can be edited on your computer. Modern-day technology offers us a miraculous democratization of creative expression and foray into worldwide access and resources without a lot of additional expense–something that was not readily available to previous generations.

Another option is to take your administrative skills and experience and use them to segue it into a field a little closer to your passion. For example, you could apply as an administrative person in a production company or a talent agency, then try to work your way up from the inside into being promoted as a script reader or whatever you’d like to do as the next step. Although since you feel this kind of work destroys your soul, I highly recommend the previous options as you probably will need your soul to fully enjoy the abundance and joy of a career that fits you perfectly!

Notice any energies that come up for you (reasons or fears why you can’t do what you want, why your dreams will never work, etc.). You can consider them neutrally, learn what you need to from those fears, let them help point you to creating a vision unhampered by avoidable obstacles, and then keep going, step by step, creating your dream job and accompanying benefits.

You can go in any direction you wish, but start. Every small step towards your goal brings it closer to you. Also, when you start down your path, you will encounter people and opportunities waiting to assist you. The main thing is to start! Kudos and blessings on your journey.

I invite you to email your question to askdalimama@gmail.com.  I will answer at least one question a day, providing practical solutions from a spiritual and energetic perspective. For information on scheduling full intuitive and energy sessions, see http://www.holdinglightproductions.com. 

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