MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband of twenty-three years is addicted to porn. He watches it on the Internet, staying up late at night in his office, and hides magazines in the garage and other places. His porn life has largely replaced our actual sex life and on the rare occasion we do have sex, I feel like a live blow-up doll and it makes me sick and I’m pretty much at the point I don’t even want him to touch me anymore. We’ve had many conversations and now fights about this but nothing ever changes. What do you recommend?

–Fed up (United States)

DEAR FED UP:

Porn addiction is an extremely common problem these days in “developed” countries. Whether porn itself is a problem depends on the couple and their agreement with each other, but when it’s affecting your satisfaction with the relationship, particularly in regards to your sex life, it is definitely a problem. And your comment that you feel like a live blow-up doll suggests that he isn’t emotionally or energetically present even when you two are actually having sex.

When someone’s addicted to anything—whether it’s porn, drugs, alcohol, or work, they’re usually running away from something in themselves, so it’s important that your husband get counseling or therapy to get to the root of this issue. Once he’s been in therapy for a little while, I would recommend couples’ counseling as well. Eventually, you might even want to look into taking a tantric class together so you can rebuild your relationship and sex lives on true intimacy, helping both of you be fully present in the new vibration of your relationship.

Great job at looking at this issue in your marriage.

OPERA STAR DIVA JONES, TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE FEATURED ARTIST

For today’s Sunday Share, I am honored to feature Diva Jones, a powerhouse voice and spirit. The London Times calls Diva Jones  “a mezzo with the stature of (opera legend) Shirley Verrett, plus the flash of Dorothy Dandridge.”  Make sure you’re sitting down before you listen to the recording of her singing!  Click on http://www.msdivajones.com/ABOUT.html and http://www.msdivajones.com/LISTEN.html to listen. You may find out more about her at www.msdivajones.com, and you can also find out about her wellness work at http://thewellthydiva.com as well as hearing her sing a blessing song written by composer Ricky Beckwith.

Diva Jones is truly a star as well as an exceptional teacher of intuitive voice lessons, which she gives in person and on Skype. Each lesson she gives is tailored for each student, with her guides helping shape each lesson. She helps each student own their voice as the original expression. “I believe we all can sing and need that expression,” says Ms. Jones.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GARAGE SALES, ETC.?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife likes to buy everything at thrift stores and garage stores and she even picks up junk she finds on the street but it grosses me out to use stuff like that. What do you think about garage sales and thrift stores and stuff?

–Grossed Out (United States)

DEAR G.O.:

Validate your wife’s thrift. Thriftiness is actually a trait many men are looking for in potential mates these days. In actual mates too! Ha ha.

Certain things I wouldn’t buy used—underwear, shoes, mattresses or bedding, and other stuff like that. But sometimes you can get great deals at garage sales and thrift stores and  it’s fine as long as they’re things that can be washed and cleaned. It’s a great way to keep the energy of objects moving and the ultimate in recycling for the good of the planet and the people on it.

Sometimes you can even find clothes with tags on them at garage sales or thrift shops. If you think about it, it’s likely that even if you buy your clothes at a department store, someone probably tried those clothes on before you, so there’s not much difference.

As far as stuff from the street, it depends. Sometimes people throw out great stuff. Sometimes they throw out things because they’re gross. Like maybe they’re getting rid of that couch because their dog threw up on it or maybe they had an outbreak of bedbugs, which can infest all kinds of objects, including clothes. And clothes need to be washed in hot water and dried at a certain temperature to actually eradicate bed bugs, should there be anything like that.

One thing you might want to do, though, is clean the objects you buy used—both physically and energetically. If they can be washed, do so. Even wipe down any furniture or clean plastic toys with a nontoxic cleaning solution. To clean the energy from an object, imagine a grounding cord going from the object into the center of the earth, allowing any energy that no longer belongs there to be cleaned out. Then reset the object to your vibration and reset it to support you and give you joy.

Sometimes when we have a negative reaction to used stuff, what we’re actually responding to (whether we know it or not) is the energy of the previous owner that’s still in the object.

As far as you and your wife, maybe you can sit down together and make an agreement about what kinds of thing come (and don’t come) into the house. Because you both share the living space, of course you should feel completely comfortable with the things in your home as well and of course only objects that have a use in your home should be brought in. Free junk is still junk. But validate your wife and her thriftiness and reset the space of what comes into the home at an energy of smart and resourceful prosperity.

WAS I “HAD”?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I had a healing with this woman. She told me during the session that she was “giving” me an energy-infused bottle of water for ease, which is supposed to help me relax.  Well, at the end, when I was about to pay her, she casually informs me that the bottle is $26!  I’m sitting there in shock, not knowing what to say, but thinking “what the hell?” She said she was “giving” it to me, and didn’t even ask if I wanted to buy it!  So somehow, I end up biting my tongue, and convince myself it’s ok, when I know it’s not.  She already charged me $200 for the session.

–What the Hell? (Canada)

Dear WTH:

It is probably better protocol for the healer to have asked you if you wanted to buy the water after letting you know what it cost. She might have used the term “giving” loosely, as in “prescribing” or “distributing,” but I understand why it was a shock. She was not clear.

Perhaps this was a chance for you to own your truth and speak up for yourself. You say you know it wasn’t okay for things to go down the way they did, so it was a soul-agreement opportunity for her to present you with something so outrageous (that you paid for) that you had to speak up. It was also a reminder that you have a choice in every situation. Next time, you can always say no. But don’t worry. You will get another chance to learn this lesson if you haven’t already. Ha ha.

It’s not too late to tie things up with this healer and to speak up for yourself. If you want, you can write a letter, stating your truth about the whole experience from a neutral position of being in your power. You can be very clear and let her know why it was confusing since she said she was giving you the water, which will help her avoid unclear situations with other clients in the future if she chooses to. Write anything else you have to say and mail the letter, letting go of any other energy you no longer need to hold on to as you send it off. Then send her spirit a thank you for teaching you this lesson in a way that could have been even more outrageous and costly.

HELP! I LOOK LIKE ALL MY BOYFRIEND’S EXES

DEAR DALI MAMA:

We had some mold in our house from flooding from the upstairs bathroom and I was going through all the stuff from the master closet and found a bunch of photos (most of them moldy that had to be thrown away) of my boyfriend’s. I am blond with blue eyes and petite and they all (all former girlfriends, I’m guessing—lots of them) kind of look like me, even sort of similar facial structure, etc. Now I feel really weird about the whole thing. Am I just some type he’s attracted to or what?

–Creeped Out (Australia)

DEAR CREEPED OUT:

I understand why you would feel disturbed about this discovery. A few things for you to think about:

1)    Do you look like his mother or other family members at all? Sometimes people are drawn to those who look like them, which may include looking like their mothers. Is that creepy enough for you? Ha ha. No, seriously, in this case, it’s not necessarily something to be disturbed about unless he treats you like his mother or thinks of you as his mother.

2)    Sometimes people imprint on a certain type, or are simply attracted to a certain type of look. This is not necessarily a problem unless he, for example, doesn’t actually see you as an individual but rather more as a replicate or extension of the original petite blond (first girlfriend maybe, or even some celebrity?) on whom he imprinted. Then it is indeed pretty creepy. And if he’s having you dress in his mother’s old dresses or buying copies of his old girlfriend’s clothes, I’d say look for bodies in the basement and put on your running shoes and hightail it out of there. Or maybe just hightail it! Ha ha.

3) Here’s another thought–a possibility, although I’m sensing this is not the case here. All along, he’s been looking for you and had some vague idea as spirit what you looked like and kept picking your lookalikes in the hopes of finally finding you.

On a spiritual level, maybe one thing you’re working on is developing your own sense of identity and expressing your authenticity, whether that’s in thought, style, creative expression, or anything else. You’re also developing your own sense of discernment as far as what qualities are important in the mate of your choosing, which may include seeing you for who you are, as the unique one-of-a-kind divine original that you are. Enjoy the process of meditating and exploring this energy.

HELP! MY SON IS GETTING BULLIED

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My son gets bullied a lot at school. He’s short for his age. Maybe that’s why he gets picked on. How can I help him?

–Concerned father (United States)

DEAR FATHER:

Start by talking to him and making a plan with him and any other family members, taking into account of your son’s input and feelings. Ultimately, you will have to do what you think best as as parent and adult, but do listen to him and make sure he feels heard and incorporate any of his ideas and suggestions that are feasible. Then talk to his teacher and possibly the principal to make sure they know what is going on and agree on a plan to resolve and monitor this situation.

Another thing you might want to do is find something that helps him develop confidence as well as social skills in group settings.

You might want to consider something like either a children’s tai chi or qi gong class (or even some places offer father-son or family classes). This is something that will help him develop confidence and will help him practice allowing his body to let the energy flow and also help him learn neutrality and ease in a peaceful energy. When he is confident and not resisting the energy of bullying, the other kids will start to leave him alone more.

Also, keep the lines of communication open with him and his teachers and principal to monitor the situation while giving him space to learn how to handle himself (keeping a watchful eye from afar) and validating his inner strength and power. Don’t treat him like he is helpless or weak or a victim, as that gives more energy to those pictures. Do what you need to to ensure his safety and well-being while validating his spirit, which is strong and whole.

HOW DO I BUILD A BUSINESS TO GIVE ME GREATER GEOGRAPHICAL AND OTHER FREEDOM?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a man from Sri Lanka but have been living in United States for the last 8 years. I have a wife and one kid. I want to live a life that has freedom in the sense that we would be able to do whatever we want (such as going to live in Sri Lanka with my parents for a while and coming back to the United States and work again–and do this several times a year). With my current job, I cannot do that. Career wise, I want to do some kind of a business where I have more freedom than in my 9-5 job. Also, I am afraid to quit my job in case the business doesn’t work out. I want to live life on my own terms but am not quite sure how to go about it. What is your advice on this?

–S.V. (United States and Sri Lanka)

DEAR S.V.:

Since you and your wife have a child you are responsible for, it might be a little more complicated to make this happen but it is definitely doable if you make a solid plan and work hard. Be aware, however, that initially, you might less freedom as far as your time as you building your business but the initial investment can eventually give you much greater freedom.

Modern technology makes it much easier to start your own business that you can do from anywhere that has reliable Internet access. Entrepreneur.com has great resources for people starting businesses, including a list of businesses ideas you can start at low cost. See http://www.entrepreneur.com/lowcostbusinesses/ for details. You have an advantage, as you speak English fluently, and I’m guessing you probably speak Tamil and/or Sinhala fluently as well. Perhaps you can start a business that would serve both English-speaking markets as well as the Sri Lankan market.

If you need to develop more knowledge and skills, there are many great (and free) resources. Check out udacity.com. MIT and Stanford University also offer some free classes online.

I would start doing the research and make a business plan and start implementing it step by step while you keep your job. When you build up your business enough that you have some savings set aside (for your family as well as for your business), you can let go of your job and focus on your new business full-time. It will be a lot of work initially but the payoff as far as the freedom and potentially the financial rewards can be great.

As you get things going, be sure to take time to exercise, sleep enough, and play, as taking care of yourself is important to not only your well-being but be able to succeed in your plans. Perhaps you could even enlist the help of your wife when she is not at work if she works in the daytime and perhaps the help of your parents and other family members so you can pool your energy and resources and make it a successful family business without any one person (namely you) getting exhausted or burnt out. All of you will benefit in the long run.

Wishing you much success and freedom as you create the life you want.

ARTIST NANCY VOLPE, TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE

Today I would like to share the art of a woman who has and continues to be an inspiration to me. She only started art once the kids were grown and out of the house. Once she began, she very quickly had her studio, where she created all kinds of beautiful works in many different genres, and was exhibiting, selling her work, and winning awards. Anything she touches, she turns to art. She makes jewelry, prints, paintings, and more. Even the way she decorates her home is pure art. She is a living, breathing example of how it’s never too late to follow your heart, to create joy in doing your life’s passion, and to thrive. You can see more of her work at http://www.nancy.volpe.net.

Today I am featuring a few of her paintings, and next year I will feature a couple mandalas from her gorgeous and intricate manadala series.

Artist’s note: “My paintings are inspired by my fascination with texture, color and composition. Originally trained in calligraphy, my explorations of media have included printmaking, watercolor, pastel, acrylic, and oil painting. My abstract paintings draw heavily upon my exploration of color and medium and are influenced by the organic world around me. My focus has been Asian-inspired art and I continue to draw upon that genre of art in my abstract work.  Harmony and balance are key elements in this series of artwork.”

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“Buddha” by Nancy Volpe

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“Horse” by Nancy Volpe

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“Cranes” by Nancy Volpe

Thanks for stopping by and enjoying Nancy Volpe’s beautiful art. Have a great day!

HELP! MY YOUNG DAUGHTER THINKS SHE HAS TO DIET

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My daughter is eight years old but she already tells me she wants to go on a diet or that she’s fat but really she’s just at fifty-second percentile for her age and height.  Totally average so she really doesn’t need to worry. What should I do?

–Worried Mom (Canada)

DEAR MOM:

Start by having a conversation with her about why she thinks she is fat and needs to go on a diet. Kudos for being alert to these energies to keep an eye on her before these patterns can develop even further into a more serious disease.

Although modern-day kids are deluged by unrealistic expectations and pressures to look a certain way, you can counteract unhealthy influences. To support an optimal healthy body image in your daughter, try the following:

  • Be very aware how you (and anybody else in the household) speak about or judge your own or other people’s bodies, even when you don’t think she’s listening or paying attention.
  • Use loving, positive language about your body; e.g., “I love how strong my arms are” or “I love that my legs help me run these marathons” or “I love that my legs are so strong that I can be on my feet all day at work” or “I love my beautiful curvy hips that helped me give birth to you.”
  • Pay attention to what kind of television shows, movies, or other media she is exposed to. Try to choose shows that portray healthy body expectations and values.
  • Validate her health and her body’s health and emphasize health rather than looks.
  • Consider signing her up for a sport she is interested in so she can gain confidence in what her body can do in sports and the enjoyment of activities rather than just seeing her body as something that is supposed to look a certain way.

Also, notice her behavior and words and her eating patterns. If things continue without improvement or get worse, please seek out a health-care professional in the near future for assistance so this doesn’t become a life-threatening issue. Thank you for paying attention to this important issue at an early stage.

HELP! MY BOSS IGNORES ME

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I work at an advertising company. My boss never listens to me even when I have great ideas. But someone else will say the same thing I said, and suddenly she’ll listen to that person even though she completely ignored me or dismissed my idea that was exactly the same. What do you recommend?

–Invisible Woman (Singapore)

DEAR INVISIBLE:

Perhaps she is reflecting to you where you are still working on owning and expressing your authority, your power, and your voice. Cultivate these aspects of yourself and notice how the way she treats you starts to change over time. Also notice if you say things and hope or wait to be acknowledged or heard or appreciated, or if you say things knowing that you are heard and appreciated. It will make a difference as well if you communicate with power from inside of you.

You might also want to take note of the things that work in your company’s culture that she and other management responds to. Do the people that are heard in your company dress a certain way? Carry themselves a certain way? Or communicate in a certain style? Does she seem to treat the women differently? Notice what you notice and play and experiment with how people respond to you and then pick a way that aligns with your authentic self and make it all your own.

Enjoy the journey!

 

CAN CRIMINALS REALLY NOT REMEMBER A CRIME?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Sometimes you hear about criminals committing crimes they say they can’t remember? Is that really true, do you think?

–Curious (United States)

DEAR CURIOUS:

Sometimes people who commit violent acts or other crimes may in fact not remember if their spirit popped out of their body and a malevolent being came in and used their body to commit these crimes. That doesn’t mean, however, that we don’t have some kind of responsibility nevertheless, both in the justice system and with the universal karmic system. Another spirit can only come into our body to commit a crime when we allow it or through some kind of soul agreement. You have to be strong and aware and senior to any energies trying to use your body.

WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY WHEN LOOKING FOR A MATE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What do you think is the most important quality to look for when you’re looking for a special someone?

–Wondering (United States)

DEAR WONDERING:

I have a brilliant friend named Devin. I once asked him what kind of person he was looking for, in case I knew anyone who might be a good match for him. He told me something that stuck with me a decade and a half later. He said he was looking for someone with a core level of happiness. That didn’t mean that they never get sad or overwhelmed but that they are generally a happy person.

It makes sense to me because if you choose someone with a core level of happiness, they will not have unrealistic expectations of you making them happy or the relationship making them happy or that you will somehow complete them. If you pick someone with a core level of happiness, they can be happy, you can be happy, and you can maybe be even more happy together.

HOW TO DEAL WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T SUPPORTIVE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Growing up, my younger brother and I used to be close. Now he is generally irritated with me and dismissive of anything I have to say or do. How does one deal with family members who aren’t supportive anymore?

–M.M. (United States)

DEAR M.M.:

You might want to tell him you feel like he’s been acting irritable and dismissive and ask what’s going on if you haven’t already. If he refuses to talk about it, just give him space to be where he’s at and be extra loving and validating with yourself.

A lot of people are going through really intense growth periods (feeling irritable or emotional as they’re releasing old energies such as anger and grief as they shift vibrations) and unfortunately many may often take it out on those they love the most.

Don’t try to “heal” him or the situation—just let it be and see what happens as you continue to love and support yourself while continuing to move forward on your path. It’s all too easy to falter on your own path in a subconscious effort to hold yourself back till others catch up with you. But you can make the most difference for yourself (and ultimately even your brother and others by modeling a different way of being) by continuing on your spirit’s path. Don’t wait for anyone. It’s time to be the leader in your life, so move onward with joy.

WHAT TO DO WITH AN ACCUSING GIRLFRIEND?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her. I am a faithful woman who has been in this relationship for several years and used to be very committed but now every time she does this, it just makes me want to actually go out and cheat on her although this is not my style at all. Should I break it off? Or is there a way to fix this?

–Had It up to Here (Portugal)

DEAR HAD IT:

You might want to try relationship counseling if you have not already and she should also go to counseling on her own to address the root of her self-sabotaging behavior and fears. With the guidance of your relationship counselor or therapist, perhaps you could both set a timeframe for this behavior to change and agree on the consequences of this behavior continuing past this time.

Communicate clearly to your girlfriend how this behavior is damaging the relationship and what the consequences of this behavior entail; e.g., your leaving the relationship since it seems you’re near a breaking point.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Do the positive aspects of this relationship outweigh the frustrations of this ongoing issue? If not, perhaps it is time to go once you’ve given it your best.

Your girlfriend’s behavior is a good example of how people can create the situations they dread the most through their own resistance and fear.

Either way, let go of any resistance to her false accusations. It is natural to want to do something you’re accused falsely of but it will only hurt both of you. 

ARTIST CAROLINE DOUGLAS, TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE

Today I am blessed to feature another wonderful artist, Caroline Douglas, whose work I have admired for years. You can contact her or find our more about her work at www.carolinedouglas.com. She has taught and published extensively over the years. Her work has been exhibited and received awards and acclaim internationally.

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Ancient Sojourn, stoneware, 35″x19″x17″

Artist’s Note: “This is a piece from a dream. I dreamed I was floating above a turtle and when I woke, all I could think about was how to make clay float. I am still working that out. Turtles are my symbol for patience and the meditator celebrates our inner light and gives us permission to Be.”

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Healing Session, stoneware, salt fired. 14x10x10
Artist’s note: “Not only are hands-on healing sessions valuable, making it in clay is healing for me too.”

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