Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My friend is a bombshell and is smart and talented and employed and also goes for the worst kinds of guys. Plural on both counts. Many wonderful men ask her out and she always ignores them. I am sick and tired of listening to her cry and complain about her own self-created drama but what kind of friend would I be if I ignore her in her times of crises (plural)? I have tried to warn her about some of the men but she never listens. What do you advise someone who is trying to be a good friend to her friend who makes questionable choices?

—Bewildered in Brazil

DEAR BEWILDERED:

She’s lucky to have you as a friend. As she obviously doesn’t listen to what you tell her, I would simply ask her various questions along the process of her picking out unsuitable men. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t go out with that guy. He has a reputation for using women,” ask a series of questions.

For example, the dialogue might go something like this:

Friend: “I really like [User Guy].”

You: “I heard he tends to use women. What is it about him that attracts you?”

Friend: “He’s so sexy [or cute or funny or whatever].”

You: “What about him do you feel is sexy [or cute or funny or whatever] as opposed to [Guy That Treats Women Well]?” or “Why do you think you are interested in him even though we’ve both heard a lot about how he hasn’t treated his past girlfriends well, do you think?”

I suggest asking her questions that make her think rather than trying to tell her what to do or how to think or whom to love. Ultimately, recognize you have no real say or control over what she does.

It can be very difficult for us when we see people we love making bad choices and then living the consequences, even more so when we know we will be helping pick up the pieces. However, recognize that she is creating the situation out of her soul’s desire to learn things such as discernment and what the consequences of one’s choices can look like.

It is up to you to set boundaries on what you can do to help and support her. When you see her continually making poor choices, it is not your responsibility to stay up with her on the phone comforting her every night till 3 a.m., for example. Decide what you can do without hurting yourself or draining you and stick to those boundaries while doing what you can.

Bless you. May all your kindness and support come back to you a millionfold.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend of seven years just broke up with me. He says he loves me but not that way. Should I try to change his mind? Is it possible to and if so, how do I make him come back to me? I really thought we’d get married someday. I still love him and he is my best friend too.

—Hurting (United States)

DEAR H.:

As painful as this time must be for you, do not try to change his mind. You love him and so let him go to pursue the kind of relationship he wants. As he loves you too, perhaps walking away at this point is the kindest thing he could have possibly done for you—rather than to let things drag on knowing he does not love you in the way you deserve and that he is making space for you to meet someone who wants to marry you since that seems to be something you want. He can still be your good friend but perhaps it would be best for both of you to take time apart to establish new routines for yourselves and to make space for new relationships down the road.

Use this time to practice being your own best friends and loving yourself and rediscovering who you are now outside of the context of this relationship. You may be quite delighted at what you find and it will serve you well in building a future that fits the person that you are now.

Much love.

I love artist Julie Maren’s work. It is full of whimsy, spirit, color, light, and form. Her work ranges from large-scale installations made from recycled and repurposed paintings to sculpture and carvings to large-scale ceramics to paintings and much more. Please check out her website at https://www.juliemaren.com to see for yourself.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What are some practical tips for getting my mojo running? I’ve been single for years and not feeling very sensual or desirable. I don’t even feel like masturbating but I’d like to awaken my sexual energy. Do you have a few tips for a single woman?

—Feeling Nonsexual (Canada)

Dear F.N.:

Congratulations on taking responsibility for your mojo!

Here are a few suggestions:

• Start by doing things you’re passionate about—whatever you do that makes the time go by instantly! That might be writing or painting or being in nature—whatever floats your boat!
• Get your sexy on. Dress sexy even if you’re hanging out at home—wear soft cloth in silky colors and something that makes you feel beautiful and nurtured.
• Eat sexy. See if there are any ways you can clean up your diet—a healthy diet supports a stronger sex drive. You might also want to try incorporating some aphrodisiac foods such as chocolate or oysters and chili peppers.
• Turn on your mind. Do things that stimulate your mind—learning a new class, joining a Meetup group targeted to one of your interests. They have Meetup groups on everything from speaking Portuguese to films groups to nature walks, and everything else. In addition, you could read erotic literature or watch a sexy movie such as The Piano or Bull Durham or Kama Sutra: A Tale or Love or something that features an actor or actress you find particularly sexy.
• Take a workshop on orgasmic meditation (https://onetaste.us) and go to their weekly circles or play on your own. You might not feel like you’re in the mood at first, especially if you’ve taken a break from sexual activity for a while, but once you prime your body to get your sexual energy running and you get in the habit, it will be much easier for your body to get into that turned-on state.
• Ask your doctor or naturopath to look at your blood chemistry. Ask them to check your hormones and other numbers and factors that might be affecting your libido and see what they suggest.

Have fun, my friend!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband farts incessantly. It’s not woefully odorific (usually) but annoying nevertheless. What say you, Dali Mama?

—Yucked Out (United States)

DEAR Y.O.:

Well, perhaps it’d be more fun for you to be amused rather than to be yucked out. Haha. And thank your lucky stars that his gas isn’t usually too noxious.

Now, as far as dealing with the cause of his flatulence, could he perhaps have food allergies? He might want to keep a log of what he eats and what causes his gas, and then to go consult his doctor with this record in hand. His doctor might want to do an allergy test. Many people are unknowingly allergic to common foods such as wheat or dairy or a combination thereof. These allergies can often cause gas and other symptoms.

You might also want to google causes of flatulence and the two of you could try to avoid gas-causing foods, which may help as well.

Perhaps you could also thank him and thank God that that’s his annoying thing he does versus gambling away your joint savings or cheating and lying about it or any number of alternative transgressions he could have.

Also, as strange as it sounds, that’s the beauty of intimacy between two perfect souls in very human bodies—appreciate the close but sometimes messy intimacy of humans who love and trust each when they are close to each other and living together. If he were gone, you might even miss his inconvenient noises. Cherish even this because this is a part of your current life together.

That being said, I hope you both can enjoy a lot of laughs about this and I hope that perhaps his doctor can help him eliminate the cause of excess gas for his health and comfort and, even then, then it can become a long-distant, funny memory for you two to laugh at together.

P.S. If he is embarrassed about his constant farting, maybe you could be silently amused while having compassion. We’ve all been “betrayed” by our bodies doing their jobs at some point (whether it is gas or a tampon leaking) and we know how it feels to be embarrassed. If he doesn’t want to make a joke of it together, just keep going about your business and don’t let his farting bother you too much. Just enjoy the other gifts of your life together. xoxo

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What is the meaning of life?

—Wondering (Brazil)

DEAR WONDERING:

That is an excellent question, my friend. The fact that you are thinking about this means you are living in a way that will embrace the meaning in your life because it requires thinking about this question to ensure you live a life of deeper meaning than those who don’t stop to wonder about the meaning of life.

I could write the rest of my life on what the meaning of life is (and some have) but here are some basic highlights:

Personally, I believe that part of the meaning of life in general is our eternal quest as humans to understand and live our connection to the Divine and to the oneness of all while appreciating and loving our uniqueness as individuals. I believe it also includes the journey of discovering that we are made of love and that we can create so much when we act from the spirit of divine love–peace, harmony, prosperity, great works of art and technology used to better humankind and all living beings, and much more.

I believe that part of this journey entails different smaller lessons for each of us as individuals or as part of larger groups (cultures, governments, countries, organizations, etc.) that we’re studying and practicing in each lifetime. The wisdom and learning we garner in one lifetime create foundations we can build upon in another lifetime once we have mastered those earlier lessons. For example, this lifetime, I am studying how to express myself as an individual while contributing to the greater whole of society, which includes many specific lessons, including how to get along with large groups of people and how to work together with many.

I wish you peace and joy on your journey of exploring and embracing the meaning of your life.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a workaholic and every area of my life is suffering because of it (my health, my relationships, etc.), but I can’t seem to stop this vicious cycle. How do I stop this?

–Corporate Drone (United States)

DEAR C.D.:

Congratulations on thinking about how to halt this cycle and make a change. That is the first and most important step towards a new kind of life.

Often, people are workaholics (or alcoholics or drug or sex addicts or hoarders or addicted to video games or movies or any number of things) because they’re trying to fill the void they feel inside themselves when there is any space in their lives—whether that’s a spare moment to really feel their emotions or whether it’s an empty space in their home. Think about if this is the case with you.

What thoughts and emotions start to come up in you when you’re not working? These are the thoughts and emotions it’s important to say hello to and feel and process so you can find another way of living—a life full of the things that truly satisfy you—friendships and love, good health, and time to nurture yourself through rest and relaxation and healthy habits such as exercise.

Also take time to say hello to the fears that goad you into continuing your workaholic lifestyle even when you know it is affecting you negatively. Are you afraid you’ll lose your job if you don’t work all the time? Are you afraid of having the time to really explore who you are and your own unique passions without the barrier to yourself formed by your busy work schedule?

I suggest meeting with a counselor regularly to help you grapple with these complicated issues. Start, too, by making even a short appointment with yourself every day of quality quiet time with yourself when you sit with yourself—no tv, no smartphone, no work. Just you and your spirit. Communicating with your higher self will give you some valuable guidance as well.

I congratulate you on having the courage to address these issues and create the life you want. May you have good health, love, and all the rest that comes with making time for yourself.

Much love.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How to associate financial health and spiritual health? It seems that there is a trouble or difficulties to have both at the same time.

—J.B. (Haiti)

DEAR J.B.:

Are you referring to how some people who are very spiritual sometimes don’t seem to be very rich and sometimes people who are extremely rich don’t always seem to pay attention to their spirituality? I will write the answer accordingly and you can write me again if I am not understanding your question correctly.

It is possibly to be both extremely spiritually and financially healthy. Sometimes, however, people who are focused only a spiritual matters may not be paying attention to financial or other practical matters. Also, sometimes when people pay attention to spiritual matters, they may have a lot of their energy outside of their bodies and thus it is important to ground your energy to keep things balanced. (Email holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com to request a free recording of how to ground your energy if you want more information about this.) Even when you are spiritual, it is important to be balanced and grounded in order to handle both the administrative and financial matters of living as well as attending to your spiritual interests.

In some cases, you may also see people who are very spiritual be carrying around old spirit agreements from past lives. For example, someone who works very hard but can’t seem to make much money may have old vows of poverty they’ve been carrying around from past lives, including lives as nuns or priests.

In the case of people who are extremely wealthy and in great financial health, sometimes the spiritual work they’ve done in this or previous lifetimes has helped them achieve financial health. However, if they haven’t done the work and ignore their spiritual health, you may see them in situations where they eventually lose their money as a way to push themselves to attend to their spiritual health and other important matters.

In all things, balance is important. Thank you for this excellent question, my friend.