Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What is the most important thing to look for when picking a spouse?

—Looking for Love (Brazil)

DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE:

For me, that would probably be compatible values. For example, if the biggest priority to one person is humanity and making the world a better place for all and the other person’s biggest priority is having stuff, they might not be that compatible in the long run. That doesn’t mean you can’t have stuff AND make the world a better place, but if one partner prioritizes having stuff over helping others, for example, it might not work out.

Values can entail lifestyle (for example, someone prioritizing health and clean living might tire of a partner that is always doing drugs or drinking or eating only bacon fat, or someone who loves hiking and skiing and being active might be frustrated with someone who prefers to lounge on the couch, and of course the couch lounger would undoubtedly feel frustrated if their person were always trying to drag them along to climb some mountain) or sexual needs (a person to whom sex is very important might feel frustrated if with someone who doesn’t give a fig about sex).

And even though you asked me about the most important thing, I’d have to add that it’s important to pay attention to how you feel in your body when you’re with a potential mate. Do you feel comfortable and secure? Happy and confident? Or something else? Listen to your gut.