26 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: evolving friendships, friendships i've outgrown
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have had certain friends for decades but almost feel like I outgrew them. How do I handle this?
—Loyal (United States)
DEAR LOYAL:
You can always be friends with them in some way but perhaps it’s time for your relationship to evolve or shift. Perhaps you can shift to seeing them less or, if it’s a group of friends you’ve outgrown, shift to doing occasional reunions or whatever feels comfortable.
Ultimately, you must ask yourself whether specific friendships are helping you grow or holding you back. Continue on your path and the ones who are meant to stay close friends will grow with you or perhaps join up with you later. Let the others fall away and you can continue to love and honor them as ones who helped you become who you are today.
19 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: body language, crossing your arms, dating, eye contact, getting asked out, getting to know someone
How can I get guys to ask me out more?
—Wilting Wallflower (Canada)
DEAR W.W.:
If you want to get to know somebody, maybe you could take the initiative and invite them for coffee or something casual.
Notice too how you’re coming across to people. Perhaps you may want to meet people, but do you give off vibes through body language or other means that keep people away (avoiding eye contact or crossing your arms, for example). You might want to ask a couple close friends that have good people skills what they notice about what kind of signals you’re putting out, and let your signals match your intention by having as much fun as possible as you get to know various people, whether romantic possibilities or just generally cool people.
Enjoy!
10 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Money
Tags: authenticity in friendship, authenticity in relationship, friend who complains about not having any money, neutrality
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am having financial trouble and things are so tight, it’s really scary. I have a part-time job but it doesn’t pay much and I’m still trying to find a full-time job. My question is not about this but that is the back story. I have a friend I went to school with who has such a lot of money—or at least it seems that way to me. She is always taking cruises and going abroad and buying things like $5,000 purses or a new fancy car every year. That’s fine but I get really annoyed because she always says she doesn’t have any money. Clearly that is not the case. Should I say something to her about how I feel when she talks like this?
—More and More Annoyed (United States)
DEAR M.A.M.A.:
If she is really your friend, it is worth it to have a conversation about how you feel when you hear her talk like this. Try to get really neutral first on your own, then start an honest conversation in the vibration of wanting to have a real and authentic relationship with your friend. Perhaps you could say something like, “We’ve been friends for a long time and I appreciate that but I’d like to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me because otherwise it might get in the way of our friendship. Sometimes I feel annoyed when I often hear you say you don’t have any money, but you seem to have money. This probably bothers me even more because I’ve been struggling financially.” See how your friend responds and you can go from there.
The important thing to remember is to be honest and loving, to validate your reality and be open to hearing your friends, and to talk in the spirit of deepening a long-lasting friendship with authenticity.
08 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: getting triggered, horrible roommates, projection, signing a lease with a roommate
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I hate my roommate so much that I don’t know what to do. We have 11 months left on the lease. I don’t many people around here so don’t know anyone I could switch with. Help!
—Desperate (United States)
DEAR D.:
Start out by looking at why exactly you hate your roommate. Is he/she messy? Inconsiderate? Loud? Really look at what’s going on and think about what is triggering you so much. Sometimes, too, we can even project things on someone without realizing it or sometimes we think we are annoyed by something but the real reason you are annoyed may not even be about that—you might be getting triggered from something from your childhood, for example.
Next, try to see the big picture and really get neutral about your roommate and the whole situation.
Once you are neutral, if you still want to move, start looking for alternatives while trying to switch roommates. If there’s a housing board or committee or landlord, see what kind of possibilities you have. Then, I would have a neutral talk with your roommate and try to create closure with both of you treating each other with respect and compassion. Even if your roommate does not treat you with respect and compassion, at least you will know that you did your best.
Next time, arrange to really get to know your roommate before you sign a lease together. It’s important to feel safe and have a positive living environment, including regarding whom you live with.
Good luck, my friend.
06 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: throwing a party, why don't i get invited to parties
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do I always get excluded from parties? I feel like I’m a pretty decent person and I even shower regularly but somehow….
—Feeling Left Out (England)
DEAR F.L.O.:
There are many reasons one might get excluded from parties, including reasons that have nothing to do with your worth as a person.
Perhaps you could start by throwing a party of your own and invite all the people you like and would like to get to know better. Who knows, maybe some of these people might even want to reciprocate the next time they have a party. At the very least, you can have a very nice time at your party!
Spread the love, my friend!
05 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: accomplishing positive goals, ego, healthy church, leading by example, mission, people politics, politics, power struggles, PTA, squabbling
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why can’t people just get along? It seems like in every group, from the deacon’s group at church to the PTA to the government, everyone is constantly fighting. How do we change this?
—Tired of the Squabbling (United States)
DEAR T.O.T.S.:
It helps when we all focus together on the ultimate goal—whether a healthy church that helps the community and its members; the parents and teachers working together to provide a good education and a safe and nurturing environment for the students; or a strong government that truly helps the people. Sometimes it is very human to get stuck in the ego or get caught in power struggles or wanting to be right or respected or elevated and we can lose sight of what the true mission of a group is. The more we focus on the mission of any group and on working together towards that mission, the less we will get caught in energy-draining traps of fighting against other members who ideally want to work towards the same goal and the more positive goals we will accomplish.
Lead the way by example, my friend!
03 Jan 2018
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: anger, boundaries, changing your reactions, gratitude, triggering
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am fuming at a loved one. I can’t seem to shift my anger. I’m trying to learn the lessons from the situation, which seems to repeat itself over and over again because of this person’s behaviour towards me. What do you do with anger?
—Angry (New Zealand)
DEAR A.:
There’s nothing inherently wrong with anger. Anger can be a signal where your boundaries aren’t being honored or there’s something you need to look at, even if it’s an energetic match with whatever is triggering you. For example, if someone is being disrespectful towards you or dismissive of you, are they mirroring the ways or energies in which you don’t entirely value or respect yourself?
People do unpleasant things sometimes and less-than-ideal situations will occur. You can’t always avoid that, but you can change your own reactions to their behavior.
So thank your anger for pointing out where it’s time for you to look at something more closely, then let it go and don’t get stuck in it. Then you can transform that energy into gratitude towards yourself for changing the way you handle certain situations.
08 Dec 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: dancing, film, hiking, international societies, making friends, meeting people, meetup.com, moving to a new country, moving to a new place, throwing a party, writing
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I moved with my husband to a different country three years ago but I still don’t really have any friends here. I am shy and it is hard for me to meet people. Sometimes people have parties but they don’t invite me. How do I make friends?
—Lonely in a New Country (Hong Kong)
DEAR L.I.A.N.C.:
You may be lonely right now but I guarantee that you are not alone in feeling lonely and feeling like it is hard to meet people.
Perhaps you could look on Meetup.com to see if there are any local groups you’re interested in. They have all different topics—film, hiking, dancing, writing, international societies, and much more. Many cities also have local clubs that are listed in the paper. You could also perhaps reach out to the wives of your husband’s friends and extend a friendly hand.
If people have parties but don’t invite you, how about hosting a party yourself? It’s a great way to show your interest in developing friendships with people and you’d probably make someone’s day who is also feeling a little lonely and isolated.
25 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: behavior, controlling, getting triggered, hate, hate at first sight, love, love at first sight, mannerisms, mirroring, mirrors, projection, spirit recognition
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do I sometimes meet people and love them or hate them?
—Regular Person (United States)
DEAR R.P.:
Sometimes we have a spirit recognition of folks in our soul group or sometimes you just sense something beautiful about that person. Sometimes when we “hate” someone upon just meeting them, that could also be a spirit recognition of someone with whom you had disharmonies. Sometimes, too, people get under our skin when they are mirroring something in ourselves we don’t like. For example, sometimes a controlling person may meet someone and get triggered by their controlling energy or behavior or mannerisms or sometimes may even simply project controlling energy onto that person, so it’s always good to look within ourselves to understand what we’re really getting triggered by through that other person.
Thanks for your question!
24 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Energy Techniques, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: art, bullies, bullying, creating positive things, energy vampires, hanging out with friends, hiking, how to get rid of a spirit, medium, Meetup, meetup.com, movies, negative people, spirits, worries
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a medium and having worked on myself for forever, you would think I would be free of negative attachments (spirits). However, there is one spirit in particular that tries to upset me and it manages to do just that.
It feeds off my need for “external romantic love” and company and comes in and imitates loving energies very similar to those of my partner. It is very conniving and good at getting me off track. It also knows I get angry at its presence and plays on that. I’m losing the will to live here! I have tried EVERYTHING to get rid of it.
Being an amazing medium, can you see anything I can’t see regarding why it’s here? Maybe I’m doing something wrong as surely there’s a reason it’s still hanging around? Please help.
—On My Last Nerve (Bolivia)
DEAR O.M.L.N.:
We are all in process, no matter how long we’ve worked on ourselves (and that includes past lives).
Spirits are just like people, who are of course spirits in human bodies. There’s a saying, “What we resist, persists.” Anything we resist energetically keeps sticking around or we’ll manage to get rid of something and something of a similar vibration comes along. For example, if a student is being bullied at school, the more he resists, the more the bully may bother him and may even escalate. However, once the student learns to get neutral to the bully and starts to have more of his true power, the bully will generally find someone else to go persecute. This is of course easier said than done but it is possible with practice and retraining of your attitudes to learn to get neutral to what you are resisting.
Another example is when dealing with energy vampires, people who suck and suck and suck our energy, whether they are narcissists or people who try to ingratiate themselves, then pester to get some kind of reaction and to pull energy from you, even if it negative attention. Once you stop resisting them and give them space to be without giving them any attention, they generally tire and go suckle the energy from someone else, whether that is by charming them or creating drama or pretending to be helpless, or whatever techniques they use to suck energy.
Keep your focus on what’s important to you. Since you want love and good company, use your energy to take practical steps like joining a meetup group for a topic that interests you (hiking or art or movies or whatever) or just get a group of friends together and encourage them to bring their nice friends as well. You’ll meet people, have fun, and who knows what else? And your focus will be on creating positive things you want rather than giving your energy to this spirit or your worries or any negative people or anything else you don’t really want in your life.
Good on you for your awareness and making these changes!
20 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: compatible values, lifestyle, paying attention to gut, sexual needs, values
DEAR DALI MAMA:
What is the most important thing to look for when picking a spouse?
—Looking for Love (Brazil)
DEAR LOOKING FOR LOVE:
For me, that would probably be compatible values. For example, if the biggest priority to one person is humanity and making the world a better place for all and the other person’s biggest priority is having stuff, they might not be that compatible in the long run. That doesn’t mean you can’t have stuff AND make the world a better place, but if one partner prioritizes having stuff over helping others, for example, it might not work out.
Values can entail lifestyle (for example, someone prioritizing health and clean living might tire of a partner that is always doing drugs or drinking or eating only bacon fat, or someone who loves hiking and skiing and being active might be frustrated with someone who prefers to lounge on the couch, and of course the couch lounger would undoubtedly feel frustrated if their person were always trying to drag them along to climb some mountain) or sexual needs (a person to whom sex is very important might feel frustrated if with someone who doesn’t give a fig about sex).
And even though you asked me about the most important thing, I’d have to add that it’s important to pay attention to how you feel in your body when you’re with a potential mate. Do you feel comfortable and secure? Happy and confident? Or something else? Listen to your gut.
18 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: bachelors, divine spirits, fantasies, inner work, long-term relationships, projections, relationship issues
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a man in my fifties. I was married for 10 years and then divorced and since then, have dated many women. Things go well for a while and inevitably, even though they are each and all great, things go south and not in a good way! Why does this happen? I am beginning to think a happy long-term monogamous relationship (much less a good marriage) is a myth like a unicorn or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
—Baching It for Too Long (United States)
DEAR B.I.F.T.L.:
There are many reasons relationships go south (and not in a good way haha). Is there a theme in what you hear from the women you have been with? If they have all (or mostly) mentioned certain things (for example, feeling like you’re not present or whatever else they mention if they mention anything), pay attention to that and look within to see what you can do to change these patterns if you would like to address issues that seem to consistently get in the way of you having a good relationship.
It’s also very difficult (but certainly not impossible) for relationships to succeed in general because different issues and energies come up in relationships. If you can imagine, each of us have our own issues that we are working through, whether it’s self-worth or addiction or whatever else. When you put two people together, no matter how great each person is, these issues are compounded and will come up more and more, particularly as you get to know each other beyond the fantasies and projections of what you each believe each other to be initially. However, it is worth doing the inner work and also working with each other to see just how deep your love can grow when you grow to know each other as divine spirits living within perfectly flawed human personalities if it is important to you to have a loving relationship.
14 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: decompressing, gaming, stress, therapy, video games
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a professional man in my fifties and I am in management and make a lot of money. The thing is I spend a lot of time playing video games in the evenings and on the weekends. It helps me wind down. However, this is not going down well with the wife and she wants me to go to therapy. I do not think this is an issue that warrants a therapist as it doesn’t interfere with work and at least I am not out getting drunk and sleeping around. She reads your column and I want to know if you agree with me.
—Gamer (United States)
DEAR GAMER:
You didn’t mention how much time you spend gaming so let me just ask you a few questions. Are the video games taking a disproportionate amount of your free time? Is your urge to play video games out of control sometimes? For example, are you unable to relax without playing video games? Do you feel like you sometimes use games as a way of avoiding dealing with stress or dealing constructively with the cause of stress? If the answer to these questions is yes, you may want to explore therapy and figure out alternative ways of winding down. Maybe even fun stuff, including more quality private time and also couples time, including sex!
Think about these questions. It seems that the games are causing some stress in your marriage. It sounds like your wife would like more quality time with you and also would like you to be more emotionally present with her rather than playing games. Is there some way you and your wife could compromise, perhaps spending more quality time together while still giving you time to decompress by playing the games.
10 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: come-on lines, common interests, getting to know someone, pick-up lines, sexual harassment, shared experiences
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Can you tell me how to get to know a woman without seeming creepy or like I’m harassing someone? I know these days it can be considered harassment to comment on a woman’s looks so how do I make my interest known without being a creep?
—A Good Guy (United States)
DEAR GOOD GUY:
That’s a great question and wonderful that you’re cognizant of avoiding potentially creepy come-on lines. How about just saying, “Hi. I’m ____. Nice to meet you.” Or even, “Hello. How are you?” Or comment on a shared experience. For example, if you’re at a bar and listening to a band, you can comment on the music. After you start a general conversation, if you seem to be hitting it off and have things in common, you could say something like, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you. Would you be interested in coffee (or dinner or whatever) sometime?”
Personally, as a woman, I am always much more interested in getting to know people who treat me like a person rather than getting to know men who just comment on my looks without knowing anything about me.
Thanks, Good Guy!
09 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: autopilot, being heard, checked out, couples therapy, couples' yoga, hiking in nature, improving your relationship, nature, orgasmic meditation, tantra, therapy, unconscious, walking in nature, yoga
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am in a long-term relationship with a man who is very kind and polite to me but he is almost on autopilot and I feel like he never really listens to me. When I try to talk about my feelings, his eyes glaze over or he becomes even busier with work. How do I improve this relationship? I am not happy but I also care about him a lot and don’t want to leave him.
—Is There More Than This? (United States)
DEAR I.T.M.T.T.:
You can do your part but ultimately the relationship will not change unless he himself is willing to make some changes. Sometimes when people are working too much and perhaps not sleeping enough, this lifestyle can affect their cognitive functions such as focus or the ability to really listen. Another factor could be that some people feel overwhelmed when dealing with emotions (theirs or someone else’s) and they check out even more than they already are because they get overwhelmed and go unconscious to what’s going on around them or even inside of themselves.
Perhaps you can simply tell him how much you care about him and say that, because you care about him a lot and you’re invested in the relationship, you’d like to figure out a way that you can connect on a deeper level with each other. One thing you might want to try is couples therapy (and possibly individual therapy for him). Maybe you could also explore meditating together, or a grounding exercise like yoga or couples’ yoga, or spend more time together outside in nature where they are less distractions. You might even want to explore orgasmic meditation or tantra as well to help you both connect more deeply.
If he is unwilling to make any changes, you will need to decide whether the pleasure of being with him outweighs your feeling of not being heard or feeling like you are with someone on autopilot. Also, I encourage you to examine if this feeling of not being heard or of being on autopilot is something inside of you that he is simply reflecting back to you. I encourage you to work too to own your voice and your own consciousness and see if you start to notice some changes in him as you are working on yourself.
Much love.
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