Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a phobia of speaking in public. How do I overcome this fear? It hurts me both professionally and socially.

—Scared Silent (United States)

Dear S.S.:

Perhaps you could look into a public-speaking class at an extended learning program or a Toastmasters meeting.

Start with small steps, like saying loudly to a group of people something like, “Hey, they just put out more pizza,” or something simple like that. If you are more comfortable with being in front of others in a particular way, do more of those things—for example, playing basketball with others while people are watching, or singing a song during karaoke or open mic at a small café, or maybe doing a fancy spin on the dance floor. You can try heading a meeting of three people if you’re working together on a project (maybe just standing up and saying, “Thank you for coming,” before the meeting starts). Gradually, do more and more as your comfort level increases. Don’t worry if you feel afraid—validate taking small steps and know that over time, that fear will decrease the more you desensitize yourself to the anxiety of speaking in front of a group.

Congratulations on taking these steps.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What do you recommend for someone who wants to change her life completely?

—Ready (Brazil)

DEAR READY:

You might want to start by brainstorming what you want to create. Sky’s the limit.

Also let go of things that are draining your time and energy that no longer fit your goals or who you are today.

Then think about some practical steps (small and large) you need to take to get things moving. Get to know other people who are doing what you want to do and be inspired by them and learn from them.

If you’ve something you’re passionate about, make it happen and don’t let anything stand in your way, including yourself.

Congratulations on these changes, my friend.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My parents are always on their iPhones. Help!

—Fed Up (United States)

DEAR F.U.:

Perhaps you could tell your parents you wish you had more time without the distractions of the iPhones. Maybe you could even ask if you could plan a camping vacation where there is no wi fi or electricity. Or if that doesn’t work, text them from across the dinner table, “Hello. Is anyone there?” or something like that.

If this doesn’t work, write back. Some people are truly addicted to their smartphones and sometimes that addiction needs a hello.

Congratulations on being aware of the dynamics here so that hopefully they can change.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Since I was 6 years old I seem to get fixated on the girl that’s “always out of reach.” I seem to be invisible to them and they always choose the other guy over me. I see a pattern since then and now throughout my adult life.

Do you think there’s a lesson to learn from this?

And how do you deal with obsession? How do you get past it? And should I try to get some counselling for it or can I resolve this one myself?

—Obsessed (Paraguay)

DEAR O.:

Perhaps you could start by looking at why you choose the girl that’s “out of reach” rather than a girl that’s within reach. Do you believe you’re unlovable and don’t deserve love? Does it feel safer to pine after someone out of reach than to open yourself up to the love that’s waiting for you? Does choosing someone out of reach keep a relationship safely in the realm of fantasy versus a human, real relationship with all the potential mess and delight that entails, with both of you showing up in your divine imperfection? Or do you love the “chase” more than the reality of a relationship?

Looking at these questions and developing your awareness of these matters will help you work through obsession in conjunction with counseling. Perhaps one of the lessons you’re working through is how to put your energy towards what you’re building versus what you’d like to build that is not based in reality. Perhaps you’re also learning to focus within on you versus on someone else and learning that true happiness and love comes from within.