Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Sometimes when I’m with my boyfriend (usually with him but sometimes with my sister or once in a while with friends), I’ll hear something that makes me feel insecure and then I’ll say something really awful to make him or them feel the same way I do. What is wrong with me and why do I do this and how do I change this?

–Mean Motormouth (United States)

DEAR M.M.:

Well, you’ve already done the most important thing in changing this behavior, which is taking a look at why you engage in this pattern and being aware that you do this.

And there’s nothing wrong with you, per se. You’re just being human. Perhaps, though, you are learning in this lifetime about how to use the power of your words in a way that is both constructive and positive. When you have power using negative words, that means that you can have even more power than you harness your gift of language for good and for the light.

To start changing your old patterns, take an extra breath and pause for a moment when you feel that impulse to say something mean to make someone else feel insecure. First, reset your space so that you validate yourself. For example, if you’re insecure about your schoolwork, validate that you’re great in a particular subject. If you’re insecure about your looks, validate a part of you that is beautiful. Once you do this and get more and more in a habit of doing this, you’ll notice the urge to say something to cut someone down or make them feel insecure will start to dissipate more and more until maybe you rarely feel like you need to say those kinds of things anymore.

Congratulations on taking a look at this so you can evolve into the powerful-tongued (perhaps even a writer) self that you were born to be.