HOW DO I GIVE MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND AN ORGASM?

26 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Sex Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been with my girlfriend for three months and I have never made her come. Not even once. I know she’s had orgasms before so I’m thinking it’s just me. I was able to please my previous girlfriends. I don’t know really what’s going on. Any thoughts?

–Losing Confidence (United States)

DEAR L. C.:

Let me start out by saying you have the most important quality of a good lover—desire to please your partner.

You might want to ask her (sometime when you’re not in bed or just about to be in bed) open questions such as “Is there anything you’d like me to do in particular to please you?” and see what she says. You could mention you’re happy to know what she likes and how she likes it and to experiment.

Perhaps you could start by playing and exploring together. Maybe you could play a game where you try different kinds of types of touches on her with your fingers and tongue (gentle, stroking, light, firmer but gentle pressure, circles, etc.) for a couple minutes and have her give feedback on how that feels. Start touching her even just on her back or her arm or her legs and see what feels good. Then you can move to other areas if it feels comfortable to both of you. Keep getting feedback on how she feels. This will help you both explore together what feels good and also develop a space of trust and openness in your sexual space together. You could even take turns and alternate, drawing circles or writing simple messages on each other’s backs or arms with your fingers like “beautiful eyes” or “strong arms” while the other guesses what you wrote, for example. And you can choose to take it from there or even just have a session where you do nothing but writing messages with your fingers on each other’s arms or holding each other in bed and massaging each other’s backs lightly.

It’s important to create a space where there’s no pressure on either of you—pressure on her to have an orgasm or pressure on you to “give” her one. That will help as well. When either of you feel pressure to perform, it will make it more difficult for her to relax and enjoy herself and let loose.

Another thing you could try eventually is (if she feels comfortable) to have her masturbate and please herself and you can watch and notice how she likes to be touched and try to do the same moves. Again, you can make a game of it and make it fun and exploratory. You could also ask her to guide your hands where she wants them and to help you know how to please her. Play with these things and explore together.

Keep in mind, too, that there are a number of factors that could affect her ability to have an orgasm with you that are completely unrelated to you—prescription or other drugs, health conditions including hormonal imbalances, even being able to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship, and more. Communicate openly and explore together and, most of all, have fun with the process.

HOW DO I COPE WITH FRIENDSHIPS FADING AWAY?

22 Jan 2015 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

It seems that all my friendships are fading away or already have. It seems that they all move on to other things, or to other friends.

I am a very loyal friend, and even when I am trying to reach out, they are all too busy! I am busy also with work and kids but I always have time for friends, and I feel very lonely and empty if I don’t have a people connection. Please advise.

–Lonely

DEAR L.:

You’re not alone in this feeling. As one moves through life, sometimes waves of friendships or relationships pass through due to life changes (friends may move away or get busy with their kids or work or other things or may simply drift away). Sometimes, too, friends may be feeling depressed and unable to deal with anything other than the bare necessities and can’t cope with anything else.

Friendships require maintenance and fortunately it sounds like you’re a loyal friend who knows what it takes to maintain and build friendships.

Sometimes, too, as you shift and grow, friends may fall away for a while or longer. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself to feel good. Exercise, eat right, and maybe join some classes or some clubs around your interests (painting or hiking or whatever makes you happy). Some of your old friends may catch up with you eventually and some may not. In any case, validate the fun you had together and create energetic space for wonderful friendships (new as well as old) that align with your true self.

See yourself as “the party” and do things for yourself and have a great time on your own. Go to your favorite café and have a cup of your favorite coffee while reading a great book or journaling and validate what a great time you’re having all on your own. Doing so will attract others into your life who want to join the party.

This can be a process and may take time, but use this as an opportunity to really learn to enjoy and love yourself and your own company! Have fun, my friend.

HOW DO I GET RID OF MY SEX ADDICTION?

21 Jan 2015 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Sex Tags: , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a sex addict and have been in and out of programs numerous times, with no lasting results. How do I stop this? I am surrounded by temptations and see no way out, barring finding a cave in the desert or finding an island in the middle of nowhere.

–Addicted (Brazil)

DEAR ADDICTED:

I applaud that you continue to take steps to conquer your addiction, which is the most important factor in recovery.

I recommend you go into therapy in addition to group work, perhaps something like https://saa-recovery.org. Also, whenever you refrain from making a choice born out of sex addiction, don’t look at your refraining from risky sexual behavior that is not aligned in your highest good like you’re missing out on something; look at that choice as giving yourself a foundation you’re entitled to, such as a foundation of trust for a loving sexual relationship or the maintenance and healthy building of a love relationship you’re already in.

TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE: POLE DANCER SHARING WHAT SHE’S GOT

18 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Sunday's Share Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

On Sundays, I share cool things I’ve come across.

Love this woman who owns what’s she’s great at and doesn’t try to shrink herself down energetically to fit anybody else’s expectations:

http://new.damn.com/chubby-girl-steps-stage-next-blew-everyone-away/?utm_source=ef&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=chubbyef.

HOW DO I ENSURE MY KIDS AND I CAN SPEND TIME WITH MY PARENTS AS WELL AS WITH MY IN-LAWS?

17 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Family Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My mother-in-law recently passed away.  Now that she’s gone, my husband’s aunts have really reached out to us, and have expressed more love and caring towards me than I’ve ever experienced in all the years my husband and I have been married.

While it feels nice to experience this, I also worry that my parents will get left out even more.  My husband’s family has never really included my parents/family as part of their family, and more and more it seems my husband’s family has gotten priority for visits, etc, due to my husband’s parents getting ill, etc. Since we live out of state from both sides of our families, and they live on opposite sides of the country, our vacations are often spent traveling to see one of our families.

My parents are not getting any younger, and have started having age-related health issues of their own as well.  I would like to see them and help them more.  My kids want to see them more too, but I am concerned that my husband’s family will try to see us even more now that my mother-in-law is gone.

My husband is understandably very upset about losing his mom. But I would like us to see my parents as much as we can while we still can. My parents don’t have a lot of family nearby, and most of my mom’s family is out of the country. I want to spend more time with them. I guess I’m feeling extra protective of them since my husband’s family doesn’t have any interest in having a relationship/connection to my parents/family. My question is, how do I ensure that my kids and I can at least spend more time with them, while not creating some conflict or competing dynamic in our family?

–Concerned Daughter (England)

DEAR CONCERNED DAUGHTER:

For you and your kids to spend more time with your parents, create a space to do so. If you want, also create a space for the whole family (your husband’s aunts and your parents and brother as well as your husband and kids) to bond and get closer as a family. Perhaps you could start by group emailing everyone in the family (your parents and brother, your kids if they are old enough, your husband, and your husband’s aunts) and sharing how much it means to you to have them in your life and to recently have been able to be able to better get to know your aunt-in-laws and to connect with them more deeply). You could also mention something (if this resonates for you) about the death of your mother-in-law making you realize how important family is and how important it is to enjoy quality time together with all of the family that you love. You might want to mention you’ve been thinking of a away to do this with the logistical difficulties of having family on both coasts. Then you could propose all of you getting together on an annual basis. (Of course, those who can afford it can still visit you on their own if your schedules allow.)

Since the two branches of your family live on each side of the coast, perhaps you could find somewhere in the middle of the country—maybe Kansas or Missouri or even Colorado or New Mexico. Costs for a family vacation are often more affordable than on the coasts and you can find places with family cabins or retreat cabins or a group of clustered yurts that would be affordable, fun, and also easy enough to navigate for older folk who may have more difficulty getting around.

Put it out there and see what happens. Even if not everyone wants to participate, do it for you and your immediate family and whomever else can join you. It might even be the beginning of a tradition you will continue with your family and their future partners and your future grandkids. Wishing for you your heart’s desire.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS AROUND THE LOSS OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW?

15 Jan 2015 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Family Tags: , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My mother in-law recently passed away.  It was a shock to many of us, as we thought we’d at least get to see her once more during the holidays.  I’ve been struggling with dealing with my sadness and grief over the loss, while also trying to come to terms with the fact that I had to put up with her not-so-kind words about my kids and me, her passive-aggressiveness, and just feeling like she never fully liked/embraced me or my side of the family as a part of hers.  I am a woman of color, and my husband’s family is white, so my kids and I visibly stand out when we’re with them.

My in-laws always treated my parents like they were beneath them, or just didn’t make any efforts to get to know them, communicate with them, etc.  It has been a source of pain and sadness for me over the years, especially since my parents/family have always made efforts to reach out, communicate or connect with them, treating them like they were family.  Maybe it’s a cultural difference, but in my family, when someone gets married, that person’s spouse and his/her family become a part of our family as well.  I have seen how my in-laws made more of an effort and were just more interested in connecting with my husband’s sister’s in-laws/family when she got married, so I don’t think it’s entirely cultural.

I’m grateful for what she gave us, and for her positive qualities. I want my kids to love their grandma, and of course remember good things about her, but I also want to someday share a more complete and honest picture of her when they are older.  Is that inappropriate or wrong?   I don’t want to dishonor her memory but I also don’t feel right going along with all the glorifying of her as this perfect saint.

I haven’t even talked to my husband about all the things she has said and done throughout the years.  I think he would not want to hear it anyway, particularly now that she’s gone.

What would you recommend I do to deal with my conflicting emotions around all this?

–Confused and Torn (Canada)

DEAR CONFUSED:

Great job at looking at a challenging situation of grieving for and honoring a woman who perhaps didn’t know how to love like you do.

First of all, keep in mind that. no matter what else she did or didn’t do, she created your husband and therefore your children, none of whom would have existed in their exact form without her.

Intuitively, I feel that there are two key issues in how your mother treated you and your family: 1) conscious and subconscious racism and 2) perfectionistic expectations towards her son’s wife. Some mothers have a very difficult time with any woman (even of the same ethnic background) living up to what she believes her son deserves. This combined with a conscious (and not) value placed on men over women (including her own value of herself) combined to create this very challenging situation.

I agree with your assessment that it might not be the best idea to talk to your husband about this now that she is gone. I think it’s important to give yourself an honest channel to communicate this, however. Perhaps you might want to journal about it for yourself or to talk about it with a friend (preferably that had no connection to your mother-in-law) in a way that you can release speak freely and honestly about your feelings (the grief of losing her as well as the grief you experienced in relating with her) and experiences you had with her so you don’t hold all the grief and the energy inside of you.

As far as sharing the whole story with your kids, it’s probably not necessary. Maybe you could just share the positive stories with them and always bring it back to the fact that because she gave birth to your husband, you were able to meet him and to then have your kids eventually. If they ask specific questions when they’re older, or even have questions on how to deal with their own mother-in-law, perhaps at that point, you could generally mention some of your experiences in a way that is constructive and can assist them in working through similar issues.

Also, take good care of yourself and let yourself really feel all of the conflicting feelings coming up for you and let them go to make more space for more joy in your life and validation of all that you’ve learned through this relationship.

You also might want to use this experience as practice living the truth of the necessity of loving and honoring yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks of you or how they treat you. Do this and it will help your children to learn the same by watching you.

HOW DO I STOP OVERSPENDING?

14 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Money Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a problem with my spending. I am in debt but cannot seem to stop. I buy things in stores and online that’s I don’t really need and even have multiples of (how many little black dresses does one girl need?) but I am reaching a critical point here. What can I do?

–Digging Myself a Big Hole (United States)

DEAR DIGGING:

You’re starting with the most important thing you can do—asking yourself what you can do!

First, take some time to think about why you’re buying things. What hole in your life are you trying to fill with stuff (physical stuff as well as the distraction and busy-ness of acquiring more things).

Intuitively, I believe you’re an extremely creative person. Are you using your creativity to do what you love (drawing, painting, knitting, sculpting, etc.) or are you diverting your creative energy into creating debt. Keep in mind that as much as you’re able to create debt, that’s how amazingly you can create something else when you direct your energy towards that.

Also, take some time to think about whether you’re distracting yourself from thinking about or looking at other areas in your life. Are you in a relationship that is draining you, for example? If so, are you trying to distract yourself from dealing with the issues in the relationship with shopping?

I applaud your courage in looking at this issue that affects many people. Congratulations on taking the first step towards creating prosperity in your life.

HOW DO I TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT HIS UPCOMING SURGERY?

13 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Family Tags: , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My dad is going in for major surgery. He acts like it’s no big deal but I want to be as helpful as I can. Should I bring it up and try to talk to him about it or would that scare him or make him worry more?

–Concerned Son (United States)

DEAR CONCERNED SON:

Your father is lucky to have you as a son. Sometimes when people are afraid, they try to minimize their worry both so they don’t have to deal with their own fear and as a way to be brave for their loved ones. I think this is especially true for many parents because they feel they always have to be in charge and strong for their kids, no matter what is going on. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work so well because not only are they avoiding dealing with their own anxiety (which can make surgery even more stressful) but they are depriving their loved ones a chance to talk and be real with them and to support them.

Keeping these things in mind, in deciding how to handle this with your father, I often look intuitively at what someone can handle. Let your father take the lead. If you ask him an open-ended question like “How are you feeling about your upcoming surgery?” and he says “Fine. Not a problem,” just give him space to act like it’s not a big deal to him and tell him that you love him and that you’re there for him if he needs anything, keeping things light.

If, on the other hand, he answers that he’s a little nervous, you can take it from there, using your intuition to gauge how far to take the conversation while giving him space to feel whatever he’s feeling and letting him know you love him.

Blessings to you and your family.

HOW DO HANDLE A BABYSITTER WHO MOCKED MY CHILD?

09 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Children Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I work full-time and came home early one day and overheard the babysitter mocking my son while she was on the phone to her friend. My son was watching TV in the same room and perhaps did not hear her, but I am concerned nevertheless. What do you advise?

–Working Mom (Canada)

DEAR WORKING MOM:

Find a different babysitter and screen all applicants very carefully. Whether your son heard the babysitter or not, he does not need someone taking care of him who is making fun of him for any reason. Even if he did not hear her or catch what she/he said, he is being exposed to negative and invalidating energy. Also, you might want to also have a conversation with your sitter about how much television and what kind of television your child can watch. You may want to pick a caregiver who will not park your son in front of the TV all day as a substitute for engaging dialogue or cognitive stimulation or simply a caring presence.

Once you find a babysitter, keep tabs on the sitter to ensure your son is getting the kind of care that you need. You might even want to pop in unexpectedly one day and also regularly ask your son open and neutral, non-leading questions such as “What did you do today?” or “How do you feel about your new sitter?” to get a feel for whether he is getting adequate attention and intellectual stimulation and whether he feels comfortable with the new sitter and if not, why.

Wishing you and your son the best.

WHY DON’T I GET ANY RESPONSES FROM THE DATING SITE?

07 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I joined a dating site a couple weeks ago but noticed that none of the women even bother responding to my messages although my profile shows that I am an employed professional with a good salary and decent photo (I’m a decent-looking man, some say handsome even). Why haven’t I even gotten one single response?

–Frustrated (United States)

DEAR FRUSTRATED:

First, get some feedback from some of your friends (both male and female) to get some opinions on how you can improve your profile. Of course, you don’t have to incorporate all suggestions but just consider the feedback as research and then, if any of them resonate for you, you might want to tweak your profile slightly. Some small changes can make a big difference.

Second, keep in mind that some women are deluged with messages and people may be particularly busy or traveling right because we just got through with the holiday season.

Third, consider what kind of messages you’re sending. Are you just saying “Hi” or sending a wink? Are your messages thoughtful, demonstrating that you’ve actually read their profile or are they messages like “You’re pretty,” where it’s ambiguous whether you’ve actually read about their interests or hobbies or anything about them beyond seeing their photo? Tailor your messages to demonstrate you’ve read what they wrote about themselves and perhaps ask a question or two to engage them on a little deeper level than just hello, for example.

Finally, create an energetic space for them to respond to you if they want. Sometimes both men and women, in their enthusiasm to connect with someone, don’t realize they’re not creating an open and inviting space to hear back from someone or respond. Experiment with being both neutral and enthusiastic about getting to know someone while letting go off all expectations or demands or notions about how and when they respond to you. Play with this and have fun, no matter whether you hear from anyone or not. If you set the energy of your correspondence and of your dating to fun, it’s much more likely some woman will match that energy of fun and want to get to know you more.

HOW DO I LOSE WEIGHT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS?

06 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Health Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I put on a lot of weight over the holidays, largely because of stress eating while spending Christmas and New Year’s with my parents and my brother and his family. How do I stop this and how do I lose the weight? Are there any energetic “tricks”?

–Stuffed (United States)

DEAR STUFFED:

It is very common for people in the United States and some other countries to gain weight over the holidays as well as to stress eat. Overeating (particularly sugar or other processed foods) and excessive drinking (alcohol in particular but even too much caffeine can have a similar effect) can pop you out of your body, leaving you numb to whatever stresses you’re experiencing or to the issues that are getting lit up for you by being around your family.

I am sending you the free grounding exercises for you to do, which can help lose the excess weight. Also pay attention to any feelings (during the holiday or otherwise) that make you want to get the heck out of Dodge by overeating or overconsuming alcohol or even caffeinated drinks. When you feel like you want to pop out by overeating or overdrinking, it’s even more important to stay grounded so you can look at any release any energies pushing you out of full awareness so you can full enjoy being in a healthy body with choices that support your optimal health.

WHAT DO YOU ADVISE FOR SOMEONE WAITING FOR HER BOYFRIEND TO LEAVE HIS UNHAPPY MARRIAGE?

05 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am so in love with a married man. He is unhappy in his marriage and does not sleep with her anymore but they have been married for more than 20 years and he has two children. He says he is going to leave her and marry me but it has been a long time and I spend every holiday without him and I am giving up hope that he will ever leave her. What do you advise?

–Torn (United States)

DEAR TORN:

Let me just ask you a few questions (with love) for you to think about as you make your decision about your next steps. You mention he has children but is it more accurate perhaps to say that “they” have two children? Do you notice that his words or promises don’t match his actions? And do you really want to be with someone that is sleeping with someone else (probably without his wife’s knowledge or consent) while he is married to and living with his wife and children? Even if he ever leaves his wife, would you like to be in his wife’s current role with this man and what do you imagine that might look like, based on his current and past behavior?

Maybe you could contemplate these questions and also think about what it means to respect marriage. Others’ marriages as well as perhaps your own marriage someday. Respecting others’ marriages and marriage in general can help you create a solid foundation for you to find the right person to build the kind of marriage you want for yourself.

CAN GIFTS OR OBJECTS HOLD ENERGY?

29 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Energy Techniques, Work Tags: , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My office manager who hates me gave each of us a holiday gift, including me. The gifts are all the same except for the color. I feel very yucky energy on the leather portfolio she gave me. Is this possible? And what do I do about it?

–Sensitive Office Drone (United States)

DEAR SENSITIVE:

Yes, it is possible for objects to carry negative energies, including resentment, especially when they are gifts given out of obligation and not love.

Sometimes even a recipient who wants to give you something out of love can inadvertently give you something with challenging energies. For example, someone who loves you may search far and wide for that “perfect” gift, and may give you a gift full of love, perfectionism (worry that is it not the perfect gift), insecurity, fear (fear that you won’t like the gift), and other energies.

You can neutralize the energies you don’t want to keep by simply receiving the gift in love despite any difficult energies that came with the gift.

You might also want to imagine putting a grounding cord on the leather portfolio, releasing any resentment and ill will (on either side of the relationship) and any other energies that no longer serve you or the relationship. Then, intend to set the energy of the portfolio to support and delight you and to help you in your career. At this point, you can meditate and see how you feel and decide whether you want to keep the portfolio or get rid of it.

If you do get rid of it, just donate it to your favorite nonprofit with love and good wishes for the perfect person who can enjoy a wonderful new leather portfolio.

TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE: COLORS OF INFINITY DOCUMENTARY

28 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Sunday's Share Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE

Every Sunday I share something cool I’ve come across.

Watch Arthur C. Clarke’s documentary, Colors of Infinity. Fascinating stuff on fractals, the Mandelbrot set, and more.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=colors+of+infinity

IS IT OKAY TO DONATE PRESENTS YOU JUST RECEIVED THAT YOU DON’T WANT OR NEED?

27 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Is it okay to donate presents you just received that you don’t really want or need? My family gave us tons of presents but none of them really suit are tastes or needs or space in our apartment, for that matter. My wife wants to donate them all but I feel like we should hang onto them, at least for a little while. What do you think?

–Torn (Canada)

DEAR TORN:

If you really don’t want to use them or can’t use the presents, I suggest donating them to your favorite nonprofit organization or place of worship and letting those gifts that were given to you in love be free to go out into the world and spread the love and benefit those who absolutely need them. Of course, if it’s a unique handmade item, hopefully your Aunt Martha will not recognize the hand-knitted beret your she made. But if you live in a small town and they see that item on someone else, you can lovingly and truthfully explain you just didn’t have the space/it didn’t fit/you don’t really wear hats, etc., and explain that you didn’t know what to do because you wanted to keep it for a while because the gift was given in love but that you ultimately decided that the best way you could honor that gift was to share it now with someone in need.

Keeping something you cannot or will not use ultimately does you no good nor does it do any good for the kind person who gave you the gift.

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