Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been with my girlfriend for three months and I have never made her come. Not even once. I know she’s had orgasms before so I’m thinking it’s just me. I was able to please my previous girlfriends. I don’t know really what’s going on. Any thoughts?

–Losing Confidence (United States)

DEAR L. C.:

Let me start out by saying you have the most important quality of a good lover—desire to please your partner.

You might want to ask her (sometime when you’re not in bed or just about to be in bed) open questions such as “Is there anything you’d like me to do in particular to please you?” and see what she says. You could mention you’re happy to know what she likes and how she likes it and to experiment.

Perhaps you could start by playing and exploring together. Maybe you could play a game where you try different kinds of types of touches on her with your fingers and tongue (gentle, stroking, light, firmer but gentle pressure, circles, etc.) for a couple minutes and have her give feedback on how that feels. Start touching her even just on her back or her arm or her legs and see what feels good. Then you can move to other areas if it feels comfortable to both of you. Keep getting feedback on how she feels. This will help you both explore together what feels good and also develop a space of trust and openness in your sexual space together. You could even take turns and alternate, drawing circles or writing simple messages on each other’s backs or arms with your fingers like “beautiful eyes” or “strong arms” while the other guesses what you wrote, for example. And you can choose to take it from there or even just have a session where you do nothing but writing messages with your fingers on each other’s arms or holding each other in bed and massaging each other’s backs lightly.

It’s important to create a space where there’s no pressure on either of you—pressure on her to have an orgasm or pressure on you to “give” her one. That will help as well. When either of you feel pressure to perform, it will make it more difficult for her to relax and enjoy herself and let loose.

Another thing you could try eventually is (if she feels comfortable) to have her masturbate and please herself and you can watch and notice how she likes to be touched and try to do the same moves. Again, you can make a game of it and make it fun and exploratory. You could also ask her to guide your hands where she wants them and to help you know how to please her. Play with these things and explore together.

Keep in mind, too, that there are a number of factors that could affect her ability to have an orgasm with you that are completely unrelated to you—prescription or other drugs, health conditions including hormonal imbalances, even being able to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship, and more. Communicate openly and explore together and, most of all, have fun with the process.