HOW DO I GIVE MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND AN ORGASM?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been with my girlfriend for three months and I have never made her come. Not even once. I know she’s had orgasms before so I’m thinking it’s just me. I was able to please my previous girlfriends. I don’t know really what’s going on. Any thoughts?

–Losing Confidence (United States)

DEAR L. C.:

Let me start out by saying you have the most important quality of a good lover—desire to please your partner.

You might want to ask her (sometime when you’re not in bed or just about to be in bed) open questions such as “Is there anything you’d like me to do in particular to please you?” and see what she says. You could mention you’re happy to know what she likes and how she likes it and to experiment.

Perhaps you could start by playing and exploring together. Maybe you could play a game where you try different kinds of types of touches on her with your fingers and tongue (gentle, stroking, light, firmer but gentle pressure, circles, etc.) for a couple minutes and have her give feedback on how that feels. Start touching her even just on her back or her arm or her legs and see what feels good. Then you can move to other areas if it feels comfortable to both of you. Keep getting feedback on how she feels. This will help you both explore together what feels good and also develop a space of trust and openness in your sexual space together. You could even take turns and alternate, drawing circles or writing simple messages on each other’s backs or arms with your fingers like “beautiful eyes” or “strong arms” while the other guesses what you wrote, for example. And you can choose to take it from there or even just have a session where you do nothing but writing messages with your fingers on each other’s arms or holding each other in bed and massaging each other’s backs lightly.

It’s important to create a space where there’s no pressure on either of you—pressure on her to have an orgasm or pressure on you to “give” her one. That will help as well. When either of you feel pressure to perform, it will make it more difficult for her to relax and enjoy herself and let loose.

Another thing you could try eventually is (if she feels comfortable) to have her masturbate and please herself and you can watch and notice how she likes to be touched and try to do the same moves. Again, you can make a game of it and make it fun and exploratory. You could also ask her to guide your hands where she wants them and to help you know how to please her. Play with these things and explore together.

Keep in mind, too, that there are a number of factors that could affect her ability to have an orgasm with you that are completely unrelated to you—prescription or other drugs, health conditions including hormonal imbalances, even being able to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship, and more. Communicate openly and explore together and, most of all, have fun with the process.

HOW DO I HAVE ANOTHER FEMALE EJACULATION?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Years ago, I had an ejaculation as a female. I have since been trying to replicate the experience but never could. What advice do you have so that I can do it again? It was out of this world and I want so badly to do it again.

–Trying (New Zealand)

DEAR TRYING:

The very act of trying to recreate a particular experience, whether it’s female ejaculation, a magical date, or a performance of a song you sang really well, creates a resistance that ultimately blocks the energy.

There are some great books about sex and female ejaculation. I recommend you read them and play on your own and with a partner and really be in the moment, enjoying whatever happens with no particular attachment to a specific outcome. Also, let go of any pictures of you have or how it has to happen or pictures of it needing to be “perfect.” That way, you open up the energy to have another wonderful orgasmic experience, whether you ejaculate or not.

Perhaps it can be even more amazing once you give it space and permission to unfold in whatever unique way it will happen next time.

Have fun with that. I am sure you will. Ha ha.

 

HELP! I DON’T HAVE ORGASMS WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have never had an orgasm with my new boyfriend. What can I do to help this?

—Isabel (Spain)

DEAR ISABEL:

There are a number of factors that may contribute to this situation. If you have never had an orgasm, write to me again and clarify and I will give you some additional recommendations. If you have been able to have an orgasm on your own and/or with past boyfriends in the recent past, then you might want to consider the following:

1) Communication is very important. Let your boyfriend know what feels good to you, both verbally and by showing him what pleases you.

2) Relax as much as possible. Maybe you could take a nice hot bath first or do some yoga or meditation so you can really be in a relaxed and open state of mind.

3) Prolong the foreplay. You might also want to incorporate some fun toys into your foreplay. Try the butterfly, the JimmyJane,  or the Eroscillator (http://www.eroscillator.com). I’ve heard good things about the Eroscillator although it does have a slightly disturbing resemblance to dental equipment. Ha ha.  You might also want to try some lube like Sylk or Astroglide.

4) Practice safe sex with condoms and whatever form of birth control your health-care provider recommends. Ease of mind translates to ease of body. There are all kinds of  fun condoms, including ribbed and other textured ones that may be fun for you as well.

5) Explore different positions, perhaps with you on top so you can set the rhythm and pace that your body needs. You might want to play with the coital alignment technique (CAT) as well, which is a very popular position that will allow full-body contact and eye contact if you wish. And even with the CAT, experiment. Even an almost imperceptible shift in positioning or angle can make a huge difference in your experience and pleasure, so play and see what you like and what is right for you and for the two of you together.

6) Notice the energetic dynamics between you and your boyfriend. In order to have an orgasm, you must let go of control energetically.  If this is difficult for you only with this boyfriend in particular and you haven’t had this issue with previous boyfriends, that could be your body telling you that it just doesn’t feel that safe with this particular person. If this is the case, notice that and think about if there is something in particular that can be addressed that makes you not feel safe with this particular man. If not, it could be that your body’s knowingness is telling you there may be some reason this isn’t really the right  match for you.

7) Be in the present moment and enjoy each part of the journey of your time with your boyfriend, from conversation to foreplay to each phase after. Enjoy each moment and each sensation for what it is. If you focus too much on an end goal of orgasm, you are in effort, and effort is a form of resistance, which will tend to push away an orgasm energetically. So just enjoy and let the orgasm unfold from within you organically. You might even want to play with just relaxing in bed together initially, with no intercourse. Play and touch each other and ask each other what feels good in a no-pressure situation, and just explore and have fun.

8) Contact your physician if you continue to have difficulties reaching an orgasm. There could be medical reasons for this, or even different prescriptions you’re taking that are affecting your body’s sexual drive and response.

The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the exploration. Enjoy your body, enjoy the love, and enjoy your boyfriend!

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