Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for five years and we have a four-year-old whom we love beyond words. What I don’t love is that our beautiful son has been sleeping in between us for four years. He will start kindergarten next year and I don’t think he should be sleeping in our bed any longer but my wife does not agree. Obviously, this does nothing for our sex life. We haven’t had sex since a month before he was born. While I wouldn’t trade my family for the world, this is not the life I envisioned when I proposed to my wife. I feel like a monk and a father but not a husband. Lately I have been thinking more and more of just going but I don’t know what this would to do my son or to my wife or if I would even get partial custody as I’ve heard that custody decisions tend to favor the mother. I’m 46 and is this the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me? Will he be sleeping between us when he is in high school? I am joking of course and yet I don’t even really know any more.

—Monk Man (Canada)

DEAR MONK MAN:

There are a couple issues here.

First, is there a particular reason your son is still sleeping with you? Are you doing attachment parenting or is there perhaps a medical reason? Do you know why you haven’t had sex since before your child was born?

As I’m guessing you’ve probably had occasional opportunity, even with your son in your bed, for the two of you to slip into another room and enjoy some alone time so it is quite possible that there is some reason for this married celibacy. I know some women who, upon having pushed a head the size of a bowing ball, they said they never want anything to go in there again. Sometimes too they are issues such as post-partum depression or certain medications or hormonal imbalances that can affect a woman’s libido. Sometimes too they may be issues within the marriage or for one or both partners that need to be addressed with a therapist or counselor as sometimes one of both partners may subconsciously or consciously use their child in their bed as an excuse to not be sexually intimate.

Ask your wife in a neutral and curious way about why you haven’t had sex. If she doesn’t answer or offers excuses, it is time for both of you to see a marriage counselor. Many couples’ sex lives fall by the wayside for a while after having a baby, what the difficulty juggling work and sleep and the needs of a child. It is important however for the couples’ relationship to be solid in order to create a solid foundation for the family as a whole. Even physiologically, sex is important hormonally with oxytocin, etc.,  for couples to retain that chemical bond that will keep them strong as a unit.

Your counselor can also help you figure out ways to gently transition your child to his own bed. Perhaps a doggie friend to cuddle with at night might be a nice segue.

Even once you begin couples’ counseling, it is up to both of you to address the issues and do the inner work to make the changes. This may be challenging and could take quite some time but the benefits will be worth every ounce of effort if you both do the work.

If she is unwilling to look at the issues and make changes, you will need to decide for yourself what you need to live and be happy and how to create that in a way that honors all of you.

I wish you and your family the best, my friend.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife wants our marriage to be open but I don’t want that. What do you think of polyamory? I may be old-fashioned but I don’t get it. If I wanted for us to sleep with other people, why would I have even proposed? I don’t want my wife having sex with anyone else. I don’t even want to have sex with anyone else but her. And what can I do if I don’t want our marriage to be open? I might lose her if I say no.

—Caught Between a Rock (United States)

DEAR CAUGHT:

If you don’t want an open marriage, you must communicate that honestly to your wife. Yes, you might lose her if you say no but the other alternative is to be in an unhappy marriage since you don’t want an open marriage and she does. I would start with couples counseling to see if there is some way you both can make changes to your relationship that would make both of you happy.

It is up to each couple to define and create the kind of marriage they want. As long as they are open and honest with each other, it is their right to set the parameters of what is acceptable and what is not for their marriage. Unfortunately, often married people in supposedly traditional, monogamous marriages cheat on the side and lie about it even though they don’t have an “open” marriage. In my opinion, an honest and open poly relationship beats a relationship that pretends to be monogamous but is not.

I know some who embrace polyamory in an effort to love without possessiveness and ownership and with permission for the partners to explore outside of the relationship. I think that ideal of honesty is admirable when the parties are truly honest and open with each other.

Some of the challenges of poly life, however, are that it can perhaps be difficult to go deeper into a relationship and to stick with a partner when things get difficult when there are easier options (and potential distractions). That doesn’t mean that it can’t be done—it just takes work, even more work perhaps than with just two people in a marriage, which in itself can be a heck of a lot of work. Also, I feel that some live the poly lifestyle with an undercurrent of a kind of sexual materialism or acquisitiveness, which doesn’t resonate for me personally although I admire poly couples that live with complete honesty and openness. I’m friends with a couple who also say their goal is to love without borders or limits defined by society.

If any polyamorists have anything to add to this discussion, please share your opinions and suggestions as people who actually live or have lived this lifestyle as far as the benefits or challenges of this lifestyle as well as your philosophy of relationship.