WHAT ABOUT HAVING SEX JUST FOR ENJOYMENT?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I’m thinking about enjoying sex without any love involved for the first time. I’ve always said I could only have sex when I loved someone but do you think I’m capable of having sex just for enjoyment?

— Thinking (France)

DEAR THINKING:

You might be capable of it, but does that mean that you should? Only you can decide what’s right for yourself, but pay attention to the energy of people with whom you engage in sex with. When you have intercourse, and especially when you have an orgasm, your energy field is much more open to the energies of your partner—good and bad.

If you want sex for enjoyment, consider having fun with yourself or maybe exploring a new toy (love the eroscillator—see www.eroscillator.com). You can enjoy yourself and not worry about breaking someone’s heart or about getting an STD!!!

WHAT KIND OF EXERCISE DO YOU LOVE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What kind of exercise do you love for yourself?

—Just Curious

DEAR JUST CURIOUS:

Oh, thank you for this very easy-to-answer question. I love zumba and Pure Barre (especially at the studio in Broomfield, Colorado, http://purebarre.com/co-broomfield) and yoga and I also love to go hiking with my friends. I also love snorkeling although I have not gotten to do it all that often. Oh, and of course sex, which is great cardio, great glute and other exercise, and just plain fun. Haha.

HOW CAN A GUY TELL IF OTHER GUYS ARE CHECKING YOU OUT?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How can you tell if a guy is checking you out? I’m a guy but I feel like sometimes guys are looking at me.

—Creeped Out (United States)

DEAR C.O.:

Well, guys might be checking you out, just as guys check us women out. They may be sometimes but that is nothing to get disturbed about. Notice what you are getting disturbed about. Are you feeling objectified, as we women and people in general often are? Are you creeped out because somehow you are afraid of your reaction to being checked out? That might be something to notice for yourself.

In any case, if you don’t want to be checked out by other guys, just don’t give it any energy or resistance and that energy will just go right through you or slide off of you. If you keep resisting it, you might notice it starts to happen even more. You can’t stop people from checking you out but you have the power to decide how you respond to it and how you let it affect you.

HOW DO I TELL MY PARENTS ABOUT MY SEXUALITY?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am in high school and I guess I am popular but I’m a big fake. My whole life is fake. My parents are fake. My sister is fake. I’ve been into a couple of girls but mostly I’m not into girls. My parents will go ballistic if I try to tell them the truth. What can I do? I don’t want to be a big fake like my family.

—Scared Sh*tless (United States)

DEAR S.S.:

I congratulate you for your quest for living an authentic life. Many people, no matter what age, are “scared sh*tless” to be who they are in the world. Your asking this question means you have the courage and also the means to be REAL instead of fake.

No matter what your parents’ reaction is to your truth, honor yourself for being who you are and for taking steps to live your truth. This is a process and you are taking the first steps.

You might want to check out this website for some resources: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Gay-Lesbian-and-Bisexual-Teens-Facts-for-Teens-and-Their-Parents.aspx. There are many other resources online, so check those out as well.

Above all, know that you’re not alone. Many other people of all ages are on all different ranges in the spectrum of sexuality and this is just one aspect of who you are—like your hair color, your talents, your intelligence, etc. It is part of the unique recipe of what makes you the person you are. So keep getting to know who you are and celebrate all parts of your individuality and celebrate your courage to express your unique brand of authenticity in the world.

I applaud your courage and your walk of authenticity, my friend.

OUR CHILD STILL SLEEPS IN OUR BED AND OUR SEX LIFE IS NONEXISTENT

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for five years and we have a four-year-old whom we love beyond words. What I don’t love is that our beautiful son has been sleeping in between us for four years. He will start kindergarten next year and I don’t think he should be sleeping in our bed any longer but my wife does not agree. Obviously, this does nothing for our sex life. We haven’t had sex since a month before he was born. While I wouldn’t trade my family for the world, this is not the life I envisioned when I proposed to my wife. I feel like a monk and a father but not a husband. Lately I have been thinking more and more of just going but I don’t know what this would to do my son or to my wife or if I would even get partial custody as I’ve heard that custody decisions tend to favor the mother. I’m 46 and is this the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me? Will he be sleeping between us when he is in high school? I am joking of course and yet I don’t even really know any more.

—Monk Man (Canada)

DEAR MONK MAN:

There are a couple issues here.

First, is there a particular reason your son is still sleeping with you? Are you doing attachment parenting or is there perhaps a medical reason? Do you know why you haven’t had sex since before your child was born?

As I’m guessing you’ve probably had occasional opportunity, even with your son in your bed, for the two of you to slip into another room and enjoy some alone time so it is quite possible that there is some reason for this married celibacy. I know some women who, upon having pushed a head the size of a bowing ball, they said they never want anything to go in there again. Sometimes too they are issues such as post-partum depression or certain medications or hormonal imbalances that can affect a woman’s libido. Sometimes too they may be issues within the marriage or for one or both partners that need to be addressed with a therapist or counselor as sometimes one of both partners may subconsciously or consciously use their child in their bed as an excuse to not be sexually intimate.

Ask your wife in a neutral and curious way about why you haven’t had sex. If she doesn’t answer or offers excuses, it is time for both of you to see a marriage counselor. Many couples’ sex lives fall by the wayside for a while after having a baby, what the difficulty juggling work and sleep and the needs of a child. It is important however for the couples’ relationship to be solid in order to create a solid foundation for the family as a whole. Even physiologically, sex is important hormonally with oxytocin, etc.,  for couples to retain that chemical bond that will keep them strong as a unit.

Your counselor can also help you figure out ways to gently transition your child to his own bed. Perhaps a doggie friend to cuddle with at night might be a nice segue.

Even once you begin couples’ counseling, it is up to both of you to address the issues and do the inner work to make the changes. This may be challenging and could take quite some time but the benefits will be worth every ounce of effort if you both do the work.

If she is unwilling to look at the issues and make changes, you will need to decide for yourself what you need to live and be happy and how to create that in a way that honors all of you.

I wish you and your family the best, my friend.

MY WIFE WANTS AN OPEN MARRIAGE BUT I DON’T.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife wants our marriage to be open but I don’t want that. What do you think of polyamory? I may be old-fashioned but I don’t get it. If I wanted for us to sleep with other people, why would I have even proposed? I don’t want my wife having sex with anyone else. I don’t even want to have sex with anyone else but her. And what can I do if I don’t want our marriage to be open? I might lose her if I say no.

—Caught Between a Rock (United States)

DEAR CAUGHT:

If you don’t want an open marriage, you must communicate that honestly to your wife. Yes, you might lose her if you say no but the other alternative is to be in an unhappy marriage since you don’t want an open marriage and she does. I would start with couples counseling to see if there is some way you both can make changes to your relationship that would make both of you happy.

It is up to each couple to define and create the kind of marriage they want. As long as they are open and honest with each other, it is their right to set the parameters of what is acceptable and what is not for their marriage. Unfortunately, often married people in supposedly traditional, monogamous marriages cheat on the side and lie about it even though they don’t have an “open” marriage. In my opinion, an honest and open poly relationship beats a relationship that pretends to be monogamous but is not.

I know some who embrace polyamory in an effort to love without possessiveness and ownership and with permission for the partners to explore outside of the relationship. I think that ideal of honesty is admirable when the parties are truly honest and open with each other.

Some of the challenges of poly life, however, are that it can perhaps be difficult to go deeper into a relationship and to stick with a partner when things get difficult when there are easier options (and potential distractions). That doesn’t mean that it can’t be done—it just takes work, even more work perhaps than with just two people in a marriage, which in itself can be a heck of a lot of work. Also, I feel that some live the poly lifestyle with an undercurrent of a kind of sexual materialism or acquisitiveness, which doesn’t resonate for me personally although I admire poly couples that live with complete honesty and openness. I’m friends with a couple who also say their goal is to love without borders or limits defined by society.

If any polyamorists have anything to add to this discussion, please share your opinions and suggestions as people who actually live or have lived this lifestyle as far as the benefits or challenges of this lifestyle as well as your philosophy of relationship.

HOW DO I GIVE MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND AN ORGASM?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been with my girlfriend for three months and I have never made her come. Not even once. I know she’s had orgasms before so I’m thinking it’s just me. I was able to please my previous girlfriends. I don’t know really what’s going on. Any thoughts?

–Losing Confidence (United States)

DEAR L. C.:

Let me start out by saying you have the most important quality of a good lover—desire to please your partner.

You might want to ask her (sometime when you’re not in bed or just about to be in bed) open questions such as “Is there anything you’d like me to do in particular to please you?” and see what she says. You could mention you’re happy to know what she likes and how she likes it and to experiment.

Perhaps you could start by playing and exploring together. Maybe you could play a game where you try different kinds of types of touches on her with your fingers and tongue (gentle, stroking, light, firmer but gentle pressure, circles, etc.) for a couple minutes and have her give feedback on how that feels. Start touching her even just on her back or her arm or her legs and see what feels good. Then you can move to other areas if it feels comfortable to both of you. Keep getting feedback on how she feels. This will help you both explore together what feels good and also develop a space of trust and openness in your sexual space together. You could even take turns and alternate, drawing circles or writing simple messages on each other’s backs or arms with your fingers like “beautiful eyes” or “strong arms” while the other guesses what you wrote, for example. And you can choose to take it from there or even just have a session where you do nothing but writing messages with your fingers on each other’s arms or holding each other in bed and massaging each other’s backs lightly.

It’s important to create a space where there’s no pressure on either of you—pressure on her to have an orgasm or pressure on you to “give” her one. That will help as well. When either of you feel pressure to perform, it will make it more difficult for her to relax and enjoy herself and let loose.

Another thing you could try eventually is (if she feels comfortable) to have her masturbate and please herself and you can watch and notice how she likes to be touched and try to do the same moves. Again, you can make a game of it and make it fun and exploratory. You could also ask her to guide your hands where she wants them and to help you know how to please her. Play with these things and explore together.

Keep in mind, too, that there are a number of factors that could affect her ability to have an orgasm with you that are completely unrelated to you—prescription or other drugs, health conditions including hormonal imbalances, even being able to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship, and more. Communicate openly and explore together and, most of all, have fun with the process.

HOW DO I GET RID OF MY SEX ADDICTION?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a sex addict and have been in and out of programs numerous times, with no lasting results. How do I stop this? I am surrounded by temptations and see no way out, barring finding a cave in the desert or finding an island in the middle of nowhere.

–Addicted (Brazil)

DEAR ADDICTED:

I applaud that you continue to take steps to conquer your addiction, which is the most important factor in recovery.

I recommend you go into therapy in addition to group work, perhaps something like https://saa-recovery.org. Also, whenever you refrain from making a choice born out of sex addiction, don’t look at your refraining from risky sexual behavior that is not aligned in your highest good like you’re missing out on something; look at that choice as giving yourself a foundation you’re entitled to, such as a foundation of trust for a loving sexual relationship or the maintenance and healthy building of a love relationship you’re already in.

IS IT OK TO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER WISHES TO HAVE SEX?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married to a woman who no longer wants to have sex at all. It’s been almost a year. The last time was on our anniversary. Do you think it’s ok for me to have sex with other people under these circumstances? I wouldn’t tell her because it would hurt her feelings but I also feel it’s hurting me to go without sex when she has zero interest.

–Basically a Good Guy (United States)

DEAR BASICALLY:

That is a difficult situation. I suggest that your wife see her doctor to see if there is some underlying medical issue (or some issue from her past) causing her to not want to have sex anymore and that the two of you see a marriage counselor and that both of you might want to see a counselor individually as well to get to the root cause of why she does not want to have sex. This might be emotionally painful at first, but necessary in order for the healing and true change to begin.

Then, after doing everything you can to resurrect your sexual connection, including perhaps taking a tantric workshop together, you both can make an informed decision that is best for you individually and as a couple.

Once you have each tried all you can to salvage and nurture your sexual and general relationship, at that point, you can make a decision together as far as what will work for both of you.

Even though it must be both frustrating and difficult to be in a marriage where your partner does not want to have sex, I would advise you to keep other people out of your marriage even under these challenging circumstances. A lie of omission is still a lie and seeing other people without your wife’s knowledge would introduce deception into the marriage, which is not a good energy for any healthy relationship.

Once you’ve had counseling together and addressed any potential medical issues and tried everything you can to address the cause of the lack of sex, then you and your wife can make a plan together—to concertedly improve the sexual relationship between the two of you (having sex, for starters), for her to possibly consider participating in giving you some kind of sexual relief (manually perhaps) to foster some kind of sexual connection between the two of you even if she does not wish to have actual intercourse, for her to give you permission to have your sexual needs met elsewhere if she does not want to engage with you that way, or for both of you to go your separate ways and find people more sexually compatible.

 

ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR SORENESS WHEN HAVING SEX WITH BOYFRIEND WITH CURVED PENIS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a woman dating a man with a curved penis. Sometimes certain internal spots get irritated because of the constant pressure on certain areas because of the curvature. Your suggestions?

–Sore (Canada)

DEAR SORE:

Perhaps you could play with different positions and switch things up regularly so that the same spots are not affected by too much pressure over time. For example, maybe you could do cowgirl one time, then reverse cowgirl the next time, then the coital alignment technique the next. Fortunately, there’s a multitude of different positions you can try and experiment with. Switch things up a lot and that will not only alleviate the issue of too much pressure on certain areas but might be some fun variety for your sex life as well. Have fun exploring!

Your guy might want to see his doctor as well and make sure there is nothing physical going on that can easily be addressed. For example, sometimes scar tissue or certain conditions can cause penile curvature, which can sometimes increase over time.

 

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A BOYFRIEND WHO IS SELFISH IN BED?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My guy is pretty selfish in bed. I always give him lots of foreplay (oral and manual) and I love doing so. But he just accepts it then just wants to have intercourse without reciprocating at all and I am starting to feel pissed. What do you think? I’m even getting a little turned off at the idea of having sex and I’ve always been a woman that loved having sex.

–Frustrated (United States)

DEAR FRUSTRATED:

First, communicate about this to him. Second, the operative phrase here is quid pro quo, my friend. And I think you should have him pleasure you before and intercourse to lessen the chance of him rolling over and passing out without ensuring you have been satisfied.

Maybe you could even make it fun and play a game of he does one thing for you, you do one thing for him. Tit for tat. Ha ha.

Remember: quid pro quo!

WHAT ABOUT CASUAL SEX AS AN OPTION OTHER THAN CELIBACY?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a single would but would like to have sex again. It’s been a long time and I’m thinking maybe I should just have casual sex rather than continuing being celibate while waiting for the right person. Your thoughts?

–Getting Nun (Canada)

DEAR GETTING NUN:

I suggest taking matters into your own hands. Ha ha. And maybe getting a vibrator.

With the different diseases floating around as well as general weirdness, you might want to be careful whom you let into your life, much less your body. Also, people (particularly women) tend to take on a whole lot of energy from their sexual partners, so it can be somewhat unhealthy energetically as well as physically.

Of course, you’ll have to decide what’s best for you, but those are factors I would consider as you’re deciding.

Also, when you’re sexually satisfied (including with yourself) and your sexual energy is running smoothly, you will tend to attract people into your life, some of whom may be a better match for you for something more than for simply sex.

 

WHAT CAUSES LOW LIBIDO IN WOMEN AND HOW DO I BOOST MY LIBIDO?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a woman in her mid-40s and I feel my libido is low. It’s been that way for some time. What can cause this and how do I boost my libido?

–Low Libido (Canada)

DEAR LOW LIBIDO:

First, check with your doctor. He or she might want to do some tests, including a hormone test, which can affect your libido. If your low libido has medical causes, there are always allopathic or naturopathic treatments you can try.

Also, I recommend you do more activities to foster passion in your life. If time flies when you’re painting, take a painting class. If you get an adrenal rush performing, try doing music or comedy at open-mic night at your local café. Do something that feels a little scary but fun.

If you are single, go meet new people. You can meet nice folks in groups through places like Meetup.com. Meeting new and interesting people can reawaken your spark, even if it is simply making new platonic friends. It’s also important to rev up your sexual energy to get it flowing more. Perhaps you could find some tasteful erotic literature or movies to get the energy moving. You might want to also invest in a vibrator and use it every day, even if you’re not that into it at first. It’ll at least start to get the energy moving gradually in your sexual space. The more you feed your sexual energy and space, the stronger it’ll get.

If you are in a relationship, try spicing things up together. Go out like you’re on a first date and flirt madly with each other and make each other laugh, forbidding each other to talk about the groceries or the laundry or the kids or the car needing a tune-up. Tell each other what you find sexy about each other. Maybe even go on a double-date with some new friends and see things about your partner from fresh eyes and remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

 

IS IT EVER OKAY TO SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN EVEN WHEN HE’S NO LONGER SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend is married. He says he no longer sleeps with his wife and that they have an understanding. I am really not feeling good about this, though. Is it ever okay to sleep with someone that’s married even in these circumstances?

–Doormat (United States)

DEAR DM (I so don’t want to call you “Doormat”:

I think the main issue here is that you don’t feel good about the situation and that you feel like a doormat for sleeping with someone even though he says he’s no longer sexually involved with his wife. Because of this, I would end it unless/until he is actually divorced.

Also, sometimes unfortunately some people say they have an understanding with their partner and are no longer sleeping with them but that is not always the truth. The energy is much cleaner and clearer if they’re either legally divorced or if his wife comes up to you and says, “Yeah, we’re married but no longer sleep together and you have my blessing.” Which is not terribly likely.

Even if you’re alone for a while, being alone and proud of your choices will be worth it and will create space for you to meet someone who is truly available.

 

 

DOES PENIS SIZE MATTER TO WOMEN?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Do you think penis size matters to women? Women have told me it doesn’t but I wonder.

–Worried (Somewhere)

DEAR WORRIED:

The way you use your penis is probably much more important than its size. Also, the majority of the interior of the vaginal canal doesn’t really have a whole lot of nerve endings. It’s the outer third of the vagina, especially near the opening, that’s more sensitive.

Also, keep in mind the G-spot is generally within 1 to 3 inches from the vaginal opening. Maybe you could actually invent some cool technique with your assets and use it to target your woman’s G-spot perhaps.

Remember, too, that confidence is the sexiest thing in a man, so be confident and proud of your penis. Validate it and your woman will appreciate you (and it) all the more.

I would also add that your heart, your mind, and your spirit and the way you treat your woman are much more important and invaluable than anything that can be measured by a ruler.

At any rate, the woman who is right for you will love all of you and find your penis to be the perfect one for her.

 

Previous Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: