Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Why do groups always break up? Bands, families, clubs, etc.? I keep trying to join groups but things always disintegrate for some reason or another—politics, in-fighting, boredom, I don’t know. I want to find some kind of community that can gel and stay the course.

–Loner but don’t want to be (United States)

DEAR L.B.D.W.T.B.:

That’s an excellent question. I believe it has to do with everyone’s issues being exponentially magnified when in a group. Of course, even an individual has his/her own issues that need to be addressed. When you get two people together, you have the first person’s issues, the second person’s issues, and then the issues of the joint entity that is made up of the two individuals. This becomes more and more complicated the more people are in a group, so you can only imagine although you don’t have to because, no doubt, you’ve seen a lot already without having to imagine.

It takes a lot to keep a group together. Often it is one or more key people—a social lynchpin, if you will. But it takes commitment on the part of each member of the group to stay the course even when difficult issues come up. It helps to have the group focus on a common goal (the fun of playing together if it’s a band or even a common goal such as getting to a certain level of fame or whatever). Only the most committed can stay the course. Sometimes, too, the group evolves and some members may decide they simply no longer fit, and that is okay as well.

Perhaps it is up to you now to find like-minded people and to create a space and forum to bring all of you together. Enjoy the process of building a community.