Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a 43-year-old man and I feel like I am a good person. I am honest and hard-working and I try to be very considerate of people but people just don’t seem to like me. Women don’t want to date me and my co-workers don’t invite me out with the gang but they seem to invite most of the other fellows. I read a lot of books about how to get along with people and try to do the right things but I just don’t understand what is going on. Why don’t people like me?

–FEEL LIKE GIVING UP AND LIVING IN A CAVE (United States)

DEAR CAVEMAN (BUT PLEASE DON’T BE ONE UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO):

Please do not go live in a cave unless you particularly wish to live in a cave for some other reason than giving up.

There are many reasons why people don’t wish to hang out with wonderful folk, whether they’re male or female.

Here are some common reasons I have noticed:

• Sometimes people bond in “coolness,” which is actually sometimes pictures of pain or exclusion. They may not know how to relate to someone who just cares about other people and wants to get to know them.
• Sometimes kind and well-meaning people are not aware of what they’re doing with their energy. They may mean well but sometimes they may not be aware of energetic boundaries or responses from people. Or sometimes even other energies come through them that they’re unaware of,  particularly if they tend to be ungrounded. You’ve probably seen examples of this in a person who is usually very kind but turn into someone quite different when they’re drinking or stressed.
• Some people cannot handle someone who is authentic or someone who has energies that bring out the truth. I suspect you are one of these types of people. You may not realize it, but when you’re around, all the lies start to reveal themselves, even the lies people have been telling themselves for years. This does not always make people happy and may make them run away from you. In which case, laugh and keep shining your light until you meet other like-minded souls, which you will.
• As far as women not wanting to date you, some women (although they may complain they want a nice guy) prefer the “bad boys.” And some people just can’t “have” a really great guy—i.e., they may feel undeserving of someone who really respects them or treats them wonderfully. You might even, if you’re friends with anyone you’ve dated in the past, ask them to have a coffee with you and give you feedback on what you can do to strengthen your dating and relationship skills.
• Sometimes people just try too hard. Effort is actually a form of resistance, and when you try too much, it can create a barrier between you and others. Be yourself and just keep liking people and eventually you will meet people who like you back.
• Sometimes choose a certain type that they’re not necessarily compatible with. Expand your circle of people you meet and get to know and notice what you notice.

I encourage you to start by loving yourself. Also, expand your social horizons. Join a club or something where you can meet like-minded individuals. Take initiative. Ask a few co-workers to join you for lunch one day instead of waiting to be invited to lunch. Someone with a kind heart like you is bound to make friends and meet someone. Keep the faith and know that you are made of love.