Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I joined a dating site a couple weeks ago but noticed that none of the women even bother responding to my messages although my profile shows that I am an employed professional with a good salary and decent photo (I’m a decent-looking man, some say handsome even). Why haven’t I even gotten one single response?

–Frustrated (United States)

DEAR FRUSTRATED:

First, get some feedback from some of your friends (both male and female) to get some opinions on how you can improve your profile. Of course, you don’t have to incorporate all suggestions but just consider the feedback as research and then, if any of them resonate for you, you might want to tweak your profile slightly. Some small changes can make a big difference.

Second, keep in mind that some women are deluged with messages and people may be particularly busy or traveling right because we just got through with the holiday season.

Third, consider what kind of messages you’re sending. Are you just saying “Hi” or sending a wink? Are your messages thoughtful, demonstrating that you’ve actually read their profile or are they messages like “You’re pretty,” where it’s ambiguous whether you’ve actually read about their interests or hobbies or anything about them beyond seeing their photo? Tailor your messages to demonstrate you’ve read what they wrote about themselves and perhaps ask a question or two to engage them on a little deeper level than just hello, for example.

Finally, create an energetic space for them to respond to you if they want. Sometimes both men and women, in their enthusiasm to connect with someone, don’t realize they’re not creating an open and inviting space to hear back from someone or respond. Experiment with being both neutral and enthusiastic about getting to know someone while letting go off all expectations or demands or notions about how and when they respond to you. Play with this and have fun, no matter whether you hear from anyone or not. If you set the energy of your correspondence and of your dating to fun, it’s much more likely some woman will match that energy of fun and want to get to know you more.