CAN A RELATIONSHIP BE SALVAGED AFTER MY BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN SEEING A DOMINATRIX, PAYING FOR IT WITH OUR CREDIT CARD?

20 May 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I recently found out my boyfriend of several years has been into S&M and has been frequenting a dominatrix. We have been living together for two years and I found out because of strange and repeated large charges of $250-$500 at a time on our credit card. I don’t know how I could have not known this was going on and feel that this is the breaking point of our relationship. Can it be salvaged or is there even any point? I feel like I don’t even know who he is. That I never ever actually knew him.

–Confused & Hurt (United States)

DEAR CONFUSED & HURT:

I completely understand how your confusion and pain. This is a case of financial betrayal as well as emotional and sexual betrayal, although S & M is a lot more about control and punishment and domination and submission than it is about intimacy and sex.

I suggest you start by both seeing a relationship counselor as well as individual counseling and that you get a little more neutral to the situation first, and then decide on what is the best course of action for you. Either way, it will help you process what happened whether you decide to stay or to go.

You might also want to talk to your individual therapist or counselor about the possibility of separating out your finances, at least for now, so you are not liable for such charges if they put your finances in a precarious position.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SPANKING?

19 May 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What do you think of spanking? Is it bad to spank a child, even lightly? That was how I was brought up and I am doing fine but I have heard that spanking children, even lightly, is not good for them. What do you think?

–Mom (United States)

DEAR MOM:

Although many of us were brought up being spanked as discipline (myself included), I prefer to teach children through positive reinforcement. Spanking, even light spanking, is still violence and is humiliating and disempowering to boot. Is that really what we want to teach our young people? To NOT do things because of fear of punishment rather than to strive for excellence for other self-motivated reasons? Some studies suggest that spanking might even be related to physical issues such as sciatica.

Here’s an interesting site by Jordan Riak I came across from Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE) that addresses spanking: http://nospank.net/pt2011.htm. Read it if you want and take what resonates for you. 

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