HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE?

25 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is a wonderful woman but I feel so bored with my life and with my marriage. How do I know when it is time to go?

–Trying (United States)

DEAR TRYING:

Well, first you might want to have a conversation with her and maybe try couples counseling. If you’re feeling bored with your marriage, it’s quite likely she might be feeling the same way.

Talk together and see what you can both do to cultivate passion, excitement, and a fresh perspective on your marriage and on each other. Try dating each other too. Do fun things neither of you have done before. Take a class together, visit a new place, or buy a tandem bike that you can ride together to explore new places while staying healthy. You may come to know each other in a whole new way when you give yourselves a chance by giving yourself fresh situations, new environments, and novel stuff to do and discuss together. You both have probably evolved in ways you don’t even recognize and this is a great chance to get to know your new selves with fresh eyes.

Also, keep in mind that when you were first dating, you worked to get to know each other and you made plans to do fun things together. That’s got to continue. Every relationship needs work to maintain it and to help it grow and thrive.

Finally, if you feel bored with your life, you’ve got to start by addressing that. Once you feel stimulated in your own life (your hobbies, interests, learning new things, pursuing your dreams), that stimulation and enthusiasm will likely spread into your marriage.

I wish you much enjoyment of the rediscovery of both who you are and who your wife is and who you are as a couple in the present moment.

CAN A RELATIONSHIP BE SALVAGED AFTER MY BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN SEEING A DOMINATRIX, PAYING FOR IT WITH OUR CREDIT CARD?

20 May 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I recently found out my boyfriend of several years has been into S&M and has been frequenting a dominatrix. We have been living together for two years and I found out because of strange and repeated large charges of $250-$500 at a time on our credit card. I don’t know how I could have not known this was going on and feel that this is the breaking point of our relationship. Can it be salvaged or is there even any point? I feel like I don’t even know who he is. That I never ever actually knew him.

–Confused & Hurt (United States)

DEAR CONFUSED & HURT:

I completely understand how your confusion and pain. This is a case of financial betrayal as well as emotional and sexual betrayal, although S & M is a lot more about control and punishment and domination and submission than it is about intimacy and sex.

I suggest you start by both seeing a relationship counselor as well as individual counseling and that you get a little more neutral to the situation first, and then decide on what is the best course of action for you. Either way, it will help you process what happened whether you decide to stay or to go.

You might also want to talk to your individual therapist or counselor about the possibility of separating out your finances, at least for now, so you are not liable for such charges if they put your finances in a precarious position.

%d bloggers like this: