For practical spiritual advice
26 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in Love & Relationships Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, false pretenses, football, girlfriend changed when we got married, lack of sex, parents’ behaviors, parents’ patterns, sex, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am married to this chick that I feel misrepresented herself when we were dating. She said she liked football and we had lots of action too in the bedroom. As soon as the wedding was over, all of that stopped. She complains about me watching football and doesn’t want to watch it with me or my buddies. I won’t even get into the lack of action around here. I feel like I got married under false pretenses and now I’m either in hell or have to get a divorce and end up shelling out for alimony or whatever for years.
–Stuck (United States)
DEAR STUCK:
I can imagine the frustration you’re feeling. I think the first step would be to talk with her and find out what is going on. Did she ever really like football (or sex, for that matter), or was she behaving a certain way in order to try to get you to commit to her? I suggest you both go to couples counseling as well.
Sometimes people’s behaviors change once they get married because they fall into a trap of living out their parents’ dynamics or patterns without even being aware that this is what they’re doing.
It’ll be up to you both to get to the root of what is really going on here.
If she was pretending about those things the whole time you were dating, then you’ll have to see if there’s enough there in common between you two to continue down this path. You might be able to find new ways you can bond and connect, including improving the amount of “action,” or maybe, if the whole marriage was based on lies, cut your losses and make space for a relationship that suits you better.
NOTE TO READERS: I invite you to send in any questions to askdalimama@gmail.com or to write your question in the comments section.
05 Sep 2014 Leave a comment
in Sex Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, casual sex, celibate, dali mama, sex, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a single would but would like to have sex again. It’s been a long time and I’m thinking maybe I should just have casual sex rather than continuing being celibate while waiting for the right person. Your thoughts?
–Getting Nun (Canada)
DEAR GETTING NUN:
I suggest taking matters into your own hands. Ha ha. And maybe getting a vibrator.
With the different diseases floating around as well as general weirdness, you might want to be careful whom you let into your life, much less your body. Also, people (particularly women) tend to take on a whole lot of energy from their sexual partners, so it can be somewhat unhealthy energetically as well as physically.
Of course, you’ll have to decide what’s best for you, but those are factors I would consider as you’re deciding.
Also, when you’re sexually satisfied (including with yourself) and your sexual energy is running smoothly, you will tend to attract people into your life, some of whom may be a better match for you for something more than for simply sex.
05 Jun 2014 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, female creative energy, female energy, frustrated sexually, sex, sex drive is petering out, sex life, sex life is diminishing, spicing up your sex life, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have been dating this guy for a year and things were going really well in bed but lately things have started to peter out. No joke. I felt like we have good chemistry but am concerned about this turn of events. Do you have any advice?
–Frustrated woman (United States)
DEAR FRUSTRATED:
You might want to have a candid conversation with him. Perhaps neutrally say you loved how you connected sexually before but that you notice the energy feels different and ask him what’s going on. Hopefully he will share his thoughts with you. If there’s nothing physical (medications, a health conditions that needs to be investigated, etc.) or emotional (stress or worry at work, for example), it could be that you two can actively spice things up between you.
Sometimes, too, when men haven’t fully cleared their mother’s energy from their energetic space, once they get deeper into a relationship and the novelty between you has worn off, once he starts to hit that female creative energy in you that he experienced in utero within his mother’s body, sometimes that has quite a dampening effect on the man’s sexual energy. It’s kind of the psychic equivalent about thinking about one’s mom during sex, which just doesn’t do it for most guys unless their name is Oedipus. For most men, it’s the ultimate anti-Viagra.
Some men will subconsciously think it’s the woman’s fault or they get bored and chase the next fresh woman with different sex energy, only to discover they once again fell into the same energetic rut no matter how wonderful the woman is if they haven’t worked through letting go of their mother’s energy from their space and reclaiming their own energy.
In any case, I wish you much good sex.
20 May 2014 Leave a comment
in Uncategorized Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, betrayal, dali mama, domination, emotional betrayal, financial betrayal, intimacy, punishment, relationship counseling, s & m, sex, sexual betrayal, spiritual advice column, submission
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I recently found out my boyfriend of several years has been into S&M and has been frequenting a dominatrix. We have been living together for two years and I found out because of strange and repeated large charges of $250-$500 at a time on our credit card. I don’t know how I could have not known this was going on and feel that this is the breaking point of our relationship. Can it be salvaged or is there even any point? I feel like I don’t even know who he is. That I never ever actually knew him.
–Confused & Hurt (United States)
DEAR CONFUSED & HURT:
I completely understand how your confusion and pain. This is a case of financial betrayal as well as emotional and sexual betrayal, although S & M is a lot more about control and punishment and domination and submission than it is about intimacy and sex.
I suggest you start by both seeing a relationship counselor as well as individual counseling and that you get a little more neutral to the situation first, and then decide on what is the best course of action for you. Either way, it will help you process what happened whether you decide to stay or to go.
You might also want to talk to your individual therapist or counselor about the possibility of separating out your finances, at least for now, so you are not liable for such charges if they put your finances in a precarious position.
31 Mar 2014 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: addiction, advice column, ask dali mama, being present during sex, counseling, couples' counseling, dali mama, escaping, intimacy, porn addiction, running away, sex, spiritual advice column, tantric class, therapy
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My husband of twenty-three years is addicted to porn. He watches it on the Internet, staying up late at night in his office, and hides magazines in the garage and other places. His porn life has largely replaced our actual sex life and on the rare occasion we do have sex, I feel like a live blow-up doll and it makes me sick and I’m pretty much at the point I don’t even want him to touch me anymore. We’ve had many conversations and now fights about this but nothing ever changes. What do you recommend?
–Fed up (United States)
DEAR FED UP:
Porn addiction is an extremely common problem these days in “developed” countries. Whether porn itself is a problem depends on the couple and their agreement with each other, but when it’s affecting your satisfaction with the relationship, particularly in regards to your sex life, it is definitely a problem. And your comment that you feel like a live blow-up doll suggests that he isn’t emotionally or energetically present even when you two are actually having sex.
When someone’s addicted to anything—whether it’s porn, drugs, alcohol, or work, they’re usually running away from something in themselves, so it’s important that your husband get counseling or therapy to get to the root of this issue. Once he’s been in therapy for a little while, I would recommend couples’ counseling as well. Eventually, you might even want to look into taking a tantric class together so you can rebuild your relationship and sex lives on true intimacy, helping both of you be fully present in the new vibration of your relationship.
Great job at looking at this issue in your marriage.
31 Jan 2014 Leave a comment
in Uncategorized Tags: ask dali mama, Astroglide, body's knowingness, cat, coital alignment technique, communication, dali mama, difficulty achieving orgasm, energetic dynamics between a couple, Eroscillator, foreplay, JimmyJane, orgasm, relaxing, sex, Sylk
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have never had an orgasm with my new boyfriend. What can I do to help this?
—Isabel (Spain)
DEAR ISABEL:
There are a number of factors that may contribute to this situation. If you have never had an orgasm, write to me again and clarify and I will give you some additional recommendations. If you have been able to have an orgasm on your own and/or with past boyfriends in the recent past, then you might want to consider the following:
1) Communication is very important. Let your boyfriend know what feels good to you, both verbally and by showing him what pleases you.
2) Relax as much as possible. Maybe you could take a nice hot bath first or do some yoga or meditation so you can really be in a relaxed and open state of mind.
3) Prolong the foreplay. You might also want to incorporate some fun toys into your foreplay. Try the butterfly, the JimmyJane, or the Eroscillator (http://www.eroscillator.com). I’ve heard good things about the Eroscillator although it does have a slightly disturbing resemblance to dental equipment. Ha ha. You might also want to try some lube like Sylk or Astroglide.
4) Practice safe sex with condoms and whatever form of birth control your health-care provider recommends. Ease of mind translates to ease of body. There are all kinds of fun condoms, including ribbed and other textured ones that may be fun for you as well.
5) Explore different positions, perhaps with you on top so you can set the rhythm and pace that your body needs. You might want to play with the coital alignment technique (CAT) as well, which is a very popular position that will allow full-body contact and eye contact if you wish. And even with the CAT, experiment. Even an almost imperceptible shift in positioning or angle can make a huge difference in your experience and pleasure, so play and see what you like and what is right for you and for the two of you together.
6) Notice the energetic dynamics between you and your boyfriend. In order to have an orgasm, you must let go of control energetically. If this is difficult for you only with this boyfriend in particular and you haven’t had this issue with previous boyfriends, that could be your body telling you that it just doesn’t feel that safe with this particular person. If this is the case, notice that and think about if there is something in particular that can be addressed that makes you not feel safe with this particular man. If not, it could be that your body’s knowingness is telling you there may be some reason this isn’t really the right match for you.
7) Be in the present moment and enjoy each part of the journey of your time with your boyfriend, from conversation to foreplay to each phase after. Enjoy each moment and each sensation for what it is. If you focus too much on an end goal of orgasm, you are in effort, and effort is a form of resistance, which will tend to push away an orgasm energetically. So just enjoy and let the orgasm unfold from within you organically. You might even want to play with just relaxing in bed together initially, with no intercourse. Play and touch each other and ask each other what feels good in a no-pressure situation, and just explore and have fun.
8) Contact your physician if you continue to have difficulties reaching an orgasm. There could be medical reasons for this, or even different prescriptions you’re taking that are affecting your body’s sexual drive and response.
The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the exploration. Enjoy your body, enjoy the love, and enjoy your boyfriend!
Ask Dali Mama 
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