I am married to a woman who no longer wants to have sex at all. It’s been almost a year. The last time was on our anniversary. Do you think it’s ok for me to have sex with other people under these circumstances? I wouldn’t tell her because it would hurt her feelings but I also feel it’s hurting me to go without sex when she has zero interest.

–Basically a Good Guy (United States)


That is a difficult situation. I suggest that your wife see her doctor to see if there is some underlying medical issue (or some issue from her past) causing her to not want to have sex anymore and that the two of you see a marriage counselor and that both of you might want to see a counselor individually as well to get to the root cause of why she does not want to have sex. This might be emotionally painful at first, but necessary in order for the healing and true change to begin.

Then, after doing everything you can to resurrect your sexual connection, including perhaps taking a tantric workshop together, you both can make an informed decision that is best for you individually and as a couple.

Once you have each tried all you can to salvage and nurture your sexual and general relationship, at that point, you can make a decision together as far as what will work for both of you.

Even though it must be both frustrating and difficult to be in a marriage where your partner does not want to have sex, I would advise you to keep other people out of your marriage even under these challenging circumstances. A lie of omission is still a lie and seeing other people without your wife’s knowledge would introduce deception into the marriage, which is not a good energy for any healthy relationship.

Once you’ve had counseling together and addressed any potential medical issues and tried everything you can to address the cause of the lack of sex, then you and your wife can make a plan together—to concertedly improve the sexual relationship between the two of you (having sex, for starters), for her to possibly consider participating in giving you some kind of sexual relief (manually perhaps) to foster some kind of sexual connection between the two of you even if she does not wish to have actual intercourse, for her to give you permission to have your sexual needs met elsewhere if she does not want to engage with you that way, or for both of you to go your separate ways and find people more sexually compatible.


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