I am married to a woman who no longer wants to have sex at all. It’s been almost a year. The last time was on our anniversary. Do you think it’s ok for me to have sex with other people under these circumstances? I wouldn’t tell her because it would hurt her feelings but I also feel it’s hurting me to go without sex when she has zero interest.

–Basically a Good Guy (United States)


That is a difficult situation. I suggest that your wife see her doctor to see if there is some underlying medical issue (or some issue from her past) causing her to not want to have sex anymore and that the two of you see a marriage counselor and that both of you might want to see a counselor individually as well to get to the root cause of why she does not want to have sex. This might be emotionally painful at first, but necessary in order for the healing and true change to begin.

Then, after doing everything you can to resurrect your sexual connection, including perhaps taking a tantric workshop together, you both can make an informed decision that is best for you individually and as a couple.

Once you have each tried all you can to salvage and nurture your sexual and general relationship, at that point, you can make a decision together as far as what will work for both of you.

Even though it must be both frustrating and difficult to be in a marriage where your partner does not want to have sex, I would advise you to keep other people out of your marriage even under these challenging circumstances. A lie of omission is still a lie and seeing other people without your wife’s knowledge would introduce deception into the marriage, which is not a good energy for any healthy relationship.

Once you’ve had counseling together and addressed any potential medical issues and tried everything you can to address the cause of the lack of sex, then you and your wife can make a plan together—to concertedly improve the sexual relationship between the two of you (having sex, for starters), for her to possibly consider participating in giving you some kind of sexual relief (manually perhaps) to foster some kind of sexual connection between the two of you even if she does not wish to have actual intercourse, for her to give you permission to have your sexual needs met elsewhere if she does not want to engage with you that way, or for both of you to go your separate ways and find people more sexually compatible.




I spent many years in a sexless marriage and am newly divorced. Could you tell me, is there a profession or professions that typically have men with more of a sex drive and/or that are good in bed? Because if there is, I want to date someone in that profession.



Sexuality is a complex aspect of self so there are no hard (ha ha, yes, pun intended) rules as far as men in a certain profession. There are very sensual engineers and ardent accountants, so prevailing stereotypes are false (as are all stereotypes inherently).

I suggest having a conversation early on (before you sleep with someone but definitely way before you’re either getting undressed or are already naked!) about your individual priorities regarding sex. If you’re getting along well with someone and it’s a huge priority for you but not at all a priority for them (like maybe they’re happy having sex once a month or not at all), you both know right away that is an issue and you both have a chance to evaluate whether the compatible areas outweigh the differences in opinions about sex—frequency, quality, styles, etc.

Another option is getting a reading to determine your sexual and other compatibilities before the relationship progresses too far. But a general conversation on the topic is still important. And of course, certain factors may affect someone’s sex drive temporarily—stress, medications, illness, energy levels, etc.

When you’re on a first date, notice too how he eats. Does he savor each bite or does he wolf things down with one eye on the sports channel and the other on his smartphone?

Also, is he in a job where he can move a lot or is he in a desk job but goes for walks or goes to the gym? Men who exercise may tend to be healthier, which can sometimes translate into a healthy sex drive. Also, men who drink too much or do drugs may sometimes have impaired sexual function.

Personally, I have noticed that people who are doing in life what they love seem to generally have strong sex drives. This is true but not limited to many creative types. Some artists and musicians and chefs (yes, chefs) are quite delightful in bed. But then again, chefs or musicians or artists who are very in their heads (but the upper heads and not the lower heads—oh I am on a roll today, just cracking myself up) and more oriented to technical details without the energy or heart of the music or art or food, may sometimes reflect similar propensities in their lovemaking as well. Athletes can sometimes be a lot of fun, too, and tend to have lots of stamina.

In any case, for every person out there, there are a number of great matches for them, and of course certain partners may bring out certain aspects of their sexuality more than others simply because of the chemistry of that particular relationship combination.

For every person who finds it ideal to have sex once a month, there are a number of people who would be equally happy with this arrangement. It’s just a matter of finding someone with compatible needs.

NOTE: I invite you to write in with your own question, either in the Comments section or by emailing THanks for joining us today and every day, readers!

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