HOW DO I WORK THROUGH MY FEARS OF SUCCESS AND FAILURE?

15 Nov 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Money, Uncategorized, Work Tags: , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been paralysed by my fears from taking action in my professional life for the past few months. This lack of action has affected my mental as well as financial well being. It all comes down to a fear of success, as crazy as that might sound. And also, a little fear of failure and rejection.

Ultimately I am scared that if I take action and make things happen in my business, it will propel me towards success that I won’t be able to handle and that it will bring me added responsibilities. I’m scared that new responsibility will tie me down and make me less of a free spirit and be a noose around my neck. Also I will have to take responsibility towards others who buy my product: I am a perfectionist so it kinda scares me, the potential fault finding and finger pointing of others.

My fear of rejection by clients is the flip side of the coin. I don’t deal with rejection well or bounce back up quickly. I retreat even more.

How can I break out of this self-sabotaging behaviour? And how can I drastically change perspective and shed my fears?

—Success Hungry Yet Success Scared (S. Africa)

DEAR S.H.Y.S.S.:

Many people have fear of success as well as fear of failure but don’t understand that those fears are holding them back. Your awareness of these fears will help you work through them more quickly since you can do so consciously.

Perhaps you can take the first step of breaking down your bigger goals into small concrete tasks in order of priority and tackle them one by one. Focusing on concrete tasks will ultimately be more productive for you than focusing on abstract worst-case scenarios or fears of being successful and then tanking or fears of being rejected (or your products rejected) by clients.

As you complete each small task, ensuring that they are part of your larger goals, validate each step you took and validate yourself for taking that step. Do this consistently and build small changes and, over time, this will result in a drastically changed perspective that you will have created by practicing changing your way of thinking over time.

You might want to work with a counselor also to help you work through those fears and the root causes.

I wish you any success that you want. I have no doubt you are capable of success as you work through these energies. I applaud your efforts.

HOW CAN I HELP MY FRIEND GET THROUGH A HORRIBLE BREAKUP?

02 Nov 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend because recently she found out that actually he already has a girlfriend and has been in a very stable relationship. But whenever they met each other, he pretended so well to be single and lied to my friend that he loves her very much. Even his family helped him act out this stupid play.
Her heart is broken and this affects her work performance and life. She cries a lot and can’t fall asleep. How can I help her to deal with this terrible experience?

— Roger (Taiwan)

DEAR ROGER:

Thank you for being a caring friend. The world will be a better place when there are more people like you and less people who are busy deceiving and hurting others. Right now, the best thing you can do is just listen to her and hold space for her to grieve and to rebuild her life without this cad.

Perhaps you could help remind her of who she is by doing some things together once and a while that the two of you used to do before—whether that’s going and having coffee or shopping or cooking a good meal together. When she’s feeling more herself, perhaps you could get a small group together to do the same—cook a yummy meal together and eat it together! You can all remind her of all the people in her life who are real and true and who love her.

If things are still too difficult for her after a while (as well as too taxing on you because of course you alone cannot provide everything she might need right now), you might want to suggest she find a therapist or a counselor to help her process this deceit and to rebuild her ability to trust.

Thanks for being you, Roger!

IS IT OK TO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER WISHES TO HAVE SEX?

07 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married to a woman who no longer wants to have sex at all. It’s been almost a year. The last time was on our anniversary. Do you think it’s ok for me to have sex with other people under these circumstances? I wouldn’t tell her because it would hurt her feelings but I also feel it’s hurting me to go without sex when she has zero interest.

–Basically a Good Guy (United States)

DEAR BASICALLY:

That is a difficult situation. I suggest that your wife see her doctor to see if there is some underlying medical issue (or some issue from her past) causing her to not want to have sex anymore and that the two of you see a marriage counselor and that both of you might want to see a counselor individually as well to get to the root cause of why she does not want to have sex. This might be emotionally painful at first, but necessary in order for the healing and true change to begin.

Then, after doing everything you can to resurrect your sexual connection, including perhaps taking a tantric workshop together, you both can make an informed decision that is best for you individually and as a couple.

Once you have each tried all you can to salvage and nurture your sexual and general relationship, at that point, you can make a decision together as far as what will work for both of you.

Even though it must be both frustrating and difficult to be in a marriage where your partner does not want to have sex, I would advise you to keep other people out of your marriage even under these challenging circumstances. A lie of omission is still a lie and seeing other people without your wife’s knowledge would introduce deception into the marriage, which is not a good energy for any healthy relationship.

Once you’ve had counseling together and addressed any potential medical issues and tried everything you can to address the cause of the lack of sex, then you and your wife can make a plan together—to concertedly improve the sexual relationship between the two of you (having sex, for starters), for her to possibly consider participating in giving you some kind of sexual relief (manually perhaps) to foster some kind of sexual connection between the two of you even if she does not wish to have actual intercourse, for her to give you permission to have your sexual needs met elsewhere if she does not want to engage with you that way, or for both of you to go your separate ways and find people more sexually compatible.

 

HELP. MY HUSBAND WATCHES TV CONSTANTLY

18 Jun 2014 2 Comments

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband watches TV constantly. He watches sports, reality TV, garbage TV, whatever. It doesn’t even seem to matter. It’s on from the second he gets back from work to the moment he goes to sleep. It drives me crazy. He says it’s his way of relaxing and there’s nothing wrong with it and that I should chill out. What do you think?

–Frustrated wife (United States)

DEAR FRUSTRATED:

Well, there is one thing wrong with it and that his constant TV-watching is upsetting you. Another question is whether his constant TV viewing is interfering with other things—getting chores done, quality time with you (and with kids if you have them), with work, and with your sex life.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with watching TV, if television becomes a crutch or a way of avoiding life and other people, or a way of being basically unconscious to his life, that is indeed an issue and perhaps even an addiction.

I suggest having a neutral conversation and ask him what he is getting out of watching tv constantly and what he is missing by watching TV constantly. Depending on what he says, maybe you both can create a more positive plan of action from there. Perhaps you could suggest some fun things to do together on an outing if you haven’t already. Perhaps he might want to look into counseling as well to help him go deeper into the causes of this behavior.

 

MY HUSBAND IS ADDICTED TO PORN

31 Mar 2014 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband of twenty-three years is addicted to porn. He watches it on the Internet, staying up late at night in his office, and hides magazines in the garage and other places. His porn life has largely replaced our actual sex life and on the rare occasion we do have sex, I feel like a live blow-up doll and it makes me sick and I’m pretty much at the point I don’t even want him to touch me anymore. We’ve had many conversations and now fights about this but nothing ever changes. What do you recommend?

–Fed up (United States)

DEAR FED UP:

Porn addiction is an extremely common problem these days in “developed” countries. Whether porn itself is a problem depends on the couple and their agreement with each other, but when it’s affecting your satisfaction with the relationship, particularly in regards to your sex life, it is definitely a problem. And your comment that you feel like a live blow-up doll suggests that he isn’t emotionally or energetically present even when you two are actually having sex.

When someone’s addicted to anything—whether it’s porn, drugs, alcohol, or work, they’re usually running away from something in themselves, so it’s important that your husband get counseling or therapy to get to the root of this issue. Once he’s been in therapy for a little while, I would recommend couples’ counseling as well. Eventually, you might even want to look into taking a tantric class together so you can rebuild your relationship and sex lives on true intimacy, helping both of you be fully present in the new vibration of your relationship.

Great job at looking at this issue in your marriage.

WHAT TO DO WITH AN ACCUSING GIRLFRIEND?

17 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her. I am a faithful woman who has been in this relationship for several years and used to be very committed but now every time she does this, it just makes me want to actually go out and cheat on her although this is not my style at all. Should I break it off? Or is there a way to fix this?

–Had It up to Here (Portugal)

DEAR HAD IT:

You might want to try relationship counseling if you have not already and she should also go to counseling on her own to address the root of her self-sabotaging behavior and fears. With the guidance of your relationship counselor or therapist, perhaps you could both set a timeframe for this behavior to change and agree on the consequences of this behavior continuing past this time.

Communicate clearly to your girlfriend how this behavior is damaging the relationship and what the consequences of this behavior entail; e.g., your leaving the relationship since it seems you’re near a breaking point.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Do the positive aspects of this relationship outweigh the frustrations of this ongoing issue? If not, perhaps it is time to go once you’ve given it your best.

Your girlfriend’s behavior is a good example of how people can create the situations they dread the most through their own resistance and fear.

Either way, let go of any resistance to her false accusations. It is natural to want to do something you’re accused falsely of but it will only hurt both of you. 

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