MY CHILD IS REPEATING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT ME THAT MY EX SAYS ABOUT ME. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?

28 May 2014 2 Comments

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been divorced for a year. I have two small children for whom I share custody with my ex-wife. Sometimes my daughter who is four will say bad things about me, which I believe she is repeating, like “That’s because you’re a bad daddy and you don’t care about any of us.” My wife says things like that on the phone to me and I think she is parroting what she has heard, but it hurts me a lot. How do I handle this?

–Hurting Dad (Australia)

DEAR HURTING DAD:

I would start by having a neutral conversation with your ex-wife, possibly with a family therapist, and emphasizing the importance for each of you to speak with respect to each other. Even though your daughter is probably parroting what she has heard her mother say to you, this will impact her thinking, possibly for years to come or for the rest of her life if this is not addressed as soon as possible.

You might want to go with the whole family as well to therapy so you can all start building a new and positive way of relating to each other in the context of the new family structure.

No matter what your ex says to your children, never say anything negative about her. If you are defending yourself, I suggest not saying things like that she was wrong or whatever, but just stating the positives as related to your own self. For example, if your daughter says that you don’t care about any of them, simply state with love that you will always love her and her sibling. Maybe you could even say that you will always love her mother because she gave birth to her and her sibling and that you’ll always be thankful for that. Talk to the family therapist, though, and get some specifics guidelines on what would be appropriate for the ages of children you have and for the particular family dynamics you’re working through.

I applaud your courage in working through this and for finding a way to improve this situation with positivity and love. In the end, love is the only thing that matters.

SHOULD I CONTACT MY OLD SWEETHEART?

14 May 2014 5 Comments

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married and have been to a wonderful man for 20 years. I can’t help thinking about my high-school sweetheart from time to time, though. Sometimes I dream about him too. Should I contact my old sweetheart? I’ve seen him on my former classmates’ Facebook pages but have not friended him nor has he friended me.

–Longing for Someone from My Past (United States)

DEAR LONGING:

First, I would think about what you’re hoping to achieve by contacting your old high-school sweetheart. Are you hoping to rekindle things with him? Are you happy in your marriage? Do you love your husband? Are you willing to give him up for someone who may or may no longer be the person you used to know? And maybe he never even really was the person you thought he was. These are just a few of the questions to start with as you make your decision whether or not to contact him.

Also, I recommend your talking to your husband about this before contacting this man from your past. I’m a bit old-fashioned this way—trust in a marriage is sacred and is very difficult to rebuild once it is broken. Marriages may look completely different for each couple but trust and respect are keys foundations for every successful marriage no matter what type of marriage it is. If you don’t want to tell your husband you are contacting this man, is it because you have something to hide?

Just think about these different factors and notice what you notice. Sometimes we long for someone but what we’re really longing for is what that person symbolizes—the person you were when you knew him, the innocence or passion of your life at the time, or something else entirely.

You might want to start by examining this. If you’re longing for the passion or excitement of that time, how can you create it in your current life? Perhaps a romantic weekend with your husband playing with new positions or energies in a fresh environment. Or maybe a weekend oil-painting workshop if you’ve always loved art and longed to paint. Start by giving yourself whatever it is you feel you are missing in your life before trying to create it from anything external and just notice what happens.

If you feel something is missing in your relationship with your husband, give yourself that energy (for example, through classes, fun adventures, simple breaks in your routines, or a weekend on your own) and let it spread through all aspects of your life, including your marriage.

NOTE TO READERS: TODAY I DISCOVERED AWONDERFUL FEATURE ON WORDPRESS WHERE YOU CAN SCHEDULE YOUR PRE-WRITTEN BLOGS. SO NOW I CAN JUST DO THAT IN ADVANCE WHEN I’M GOING TO BE ON THE ROAD. I HAD WISHED SUCH A FEATURE EXISTED, AND VOILA! ISN’T THAT OFTEN THE CASE THAT WHAT WE SEEK IS RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES? HA HA.

%d bloggers like this: