WHAT DO YOU ADVISE FOR SOMEONE WAITING FOR HER BOYFRIEND TO LEAVE HIS UNHAPPY MARRIAGE?

05 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am so in love with a married man. He is unhappy in his marriage and does not sleep with her anymore but they have been married for more than 20 years and he has two children. He says he is going to leave her and marry me but it has been a long time and I spend every holiday without him and I am giving up hope that he will ever leave her. What do you advise?

–Torn (United States)

DEAR TORN:

Let me just ask you a few questions (with love) for you to think about as you make your decision about your next steps. You mention he has children but is it more accurate perhaps to say that “they” have two children? Do you notice that his words or promises don’t match his actions? And do you really want to be with someone that is sleeping with someone else (probably without his wife’s knowledge or consent) while he is married to and living with his wife and children? Even if he ever leaves his wife, would you like to be in his wife’s current role with this man and what do you imagine that might look like, based on his current and past behavior?

Maybe you could contemplate these questions and also think about what it means to respect marriage. Others’ marriages as well as perhaps your own marriage someday. Respecting others’ marriages and marriage in general can help you create a solid foundation for you to find the right person to build the kind of marriage you want for yourself.

WHAT DO MY HUSBAND AND I DO IF WE’RE DRIFTING APART?

12 Sep 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA: sept 12

I love my husband dearly and we have been married 17 years. I feel we’ve grown apart, however, and he has no interest in talking about or doing many of the things that have come to be very important to me. What should I/we do?

–Drifting Away (United States)

DEAR DRIFTING AWAY:

That’s important that you’re recognizing this drifting so you can both do something to address it. First, keep in mind that no one person can ever be everything that you want or have compatible characteristics on every level. For example, if you love going to the theater and your husband would rather be hung upside down for three hours than stuck in a theater for three hours, find a friend who loves the theater as much as you do and buy season tickets with that friend.

And hopefully there is at least one thing in all of the million possible things to do that you can both enjoy together. Play with the possibilities and find one or two things you can do together regularly to bond and spend quality time with each other. Since you still love him dearly, that is the most important thing and there is hope for the two of you. Ultimately, though, you both will have to do the work necessary or to decide together to let the marriage go if you’ve both truly drifted away to the point of no return.

Congratulations on doing the hard work necessary and taking a look at this.

 

AM I OBLIGATED TO MARRY SOMEONE IF I’VE BEEN WITH THEM A LONG TIME?

06 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a 53-year-old man and have never been married. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She is pushing to get married, but I just don’t want to. I feel like I owe her because we’ve been together so long. Any advice?

–Feeling obligated (Canada)

DEAR FEELING OBLIGATED:

Be clear with her you don’t want to get married if you don’t want to get married. Obligation and guilt are not good reasons to make a lifelong commitment with someone.

Also, a marriage built on obligation is unlikely to succeed, much less last.

If you are very clear with her that you do not want to get married and never want to get married, it is her choice to stay or to go under those circumstances.

Also, if the two of you end up breaking up, if you want, be clear right from the get-go that you never wish to get married when you start dating someone (preferably before you sleep with them).

I wish you both whatever is for your individual and mutual highest good.

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE?

25 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is a wonderful woman but I feel so bored with my life and with my marriage. How do I know when it is time to go?

–Trying (United States)

DEAR TRYING:

Well, first you might want to have a conversation with her and maybe try couples counseling. If you’re feeling bored with your marriage, it’s quite likely she might be feeling the same way.

Talk together and see what you can both do to cultivate passion, excitement, and a fresh perspective on your marriage and on each other. Try dating each other too. Do fun things neither of you have done before. Take a class together, visit a new place, or buy a tandem bike that you can ride together to explore new places while staying healthy. You may come to know each other in a whole new way when you give yourselves a chance by giving yourself fresh situations, new environments, and novel stuff to do and discuss together. You both have probably evolved in ways you don’t even recognize and this is a great chance to get to know your new selves with fresh eyes.

Also, keep in mind that when you were first dating, you worked to get to know each other and you made plans to do fun things together. That’s got to continue. Every relationship needs work to maintain it and to help it grow and thrive.

Finally, if you feel bored with your life, you’ve got to start by addressing that. Once you feel stimulated in your own life (your hobbies, interests, learning new things, pursuing your dreams), that stimulation and enthusiasm will likely spread into your marriage.

I wish you much enjoyment of the rediscovery of both who you are and who your wife is and who you are as a couple in the present moment.

SHOULD I CONTACT MY OLD SWEETHEART?

14 May 2014 5 Comments

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married and have been to a wonderful man for 20 years. I can’t help thinking about my high-school sweetheart from time to time, though. Sometimes I dream about him too. Should I contact my old sweetheart? I’ve seen him on my former classmates’ Facebook pages but have not friended him nor has he friended me.

–Longing for Someone from My Past (United States)

DEAR LONGING:

First, I would think about what you’re hoping to achieve by contacting your old high-school sweetheart. Are you hoping to rekindle things with him? Are you happy in your marriage? Do you love your husband? Are you willing to give him up for someone who may or may no longer be the person you used to know? And maybe he never even really was the person you thought he was. These are just a few of the questions to start with as you make your decision whether or not to contact him.

Also, I recommend your talking to your husband about this before contacting this man from your past. I’m a bit old-fashioned this way—trust in a marriage is sacred and is very difficult to rebuild once it is broken. Marriages may look completely different for each couple but trust and respect are keys foundations for every successful marriage no matter what type of marriage it is. If you don’t want to tell your husband you are contacting this man, is it because you have something to hide?

Just think about these different factors and notice what you notice. Sometimes we long for someone but what we’re really longing for is what that person symbolizes—the person you were when you knew him, the innocence or passion of your life at the time, or something else entirely.

You might want to start by examining this. If you’re longing for the passion or excitement of that time, how can you create it in your current life? Perhaps a romantic weekend with your husband playing with new positions or energies in a fresh environment. Or maybe a weekend oil-painting workshop if you’ve always loved art and longed to paint. Start by giving yourself whatever it is you feel you are missing in your life before trying to create it from anything external and just notice what happens.

If you feel something is missing in your relationship with your husband, give yourself that energy (for example, through classes, fun adventures, simple breaks in your routines, or a weekend on your own) and let it spread through all aspects of your life, including your marriage.

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SHOULD I ACQUIRE A HUSBAND?

04 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have spent my life as a single female. Mostly, I have preferred solitude. Yet, I have many friends and activities. But I am in my 50s, and as I get older I wonder if it is cognitively healthy for me to spend so much time alone. Should I consider attempting to acquire a husband? I want to do everything necessary to retain my physical vitality and cerebral longevity.”

—Wondering in Quebec (Canada)

DEAR WONDERING IN QUEBEC:

Thank you, dear soul, for making me laugh. I recommend attempting to acquire a husband ONLY if you actually want one. You are obviously a lovely and witty soul and could certainly procure one if you so choose. And someone as intelligent as you can certainly find other ways to retain your physical vitality and cerebral longevity—exercise, extramarital sex, and crossword puzzles, for example. Ha ha. And if you feel like you are spending more time in solitude than you feel is optimal for you, invite friends over for dinner more or spend more time with people.

Seriously, though, although society seems to like to encourage people (especially women) to wed, marriage is not for everyone. There are many forms of love and many forms of family, including the family we create, none of which you seem to be lacking. As you’re still relatively young, a lifetime of marriage for mental stimulation and qi building can seem very long if not for the right reasons—the reasons of your heart’s truest desires.

Wishing you much continued love, energy, and mental acuity.

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