HOW CAN I HELP MY FRIEND GET THROUGH A HORRIBLE BREAKUP?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend because recently she found out that actually he already has a girlfriend and has been in a very stable relationship. But whenever they met each other, he pretended so well to be single and lied to my friend that he loves her very much. Even his family helped him act out this stupid play.
Her heart is broken and this affects her work performance and life. She cries a lot and can’t fall asleep. How can I help her to deal with this terrible experience?

— Roger (Taiwan)

DEAR ROGER:

Thank you for being a caring friend. The world will be a better place when there are more people like you and less people who are busy deceiving and hurting others. Right now, the best thing you can do is just listen to her and hold space for her to grieve and to rebuild her life without this cad.

Perhaps you could help remind her of who she is by doing some things together once and a while that the two of you used to do before—whether that’s going and having coffee or shopping or cooking a good meal together. When she’s feeling more herself, perhaps you could get a small group together to do the same—cook a yummy meal together and eat it together! You can all remind her of all the people in her life who are real and true and who love her.

If things are still too difficult for her after a while (as well as too taxing on you because of course you alone cannot provide everything she might need right now), you might want to suggest she find a therapist or a counselor to help her process this deceit and to rebuild her ability to trust.

Thanks for being you, Roger!

HOW TO BUILD TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP ONCE THE TRUST IS BROKEN?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do I build trust in a relationship again after it’s been broken?

—Samba (Mali)

DEAR SAMBA:

Whether you have lost someone’s trust or whether someone has lost yours, it will take time and consistency to rebuild the trust.

If you are the one who broke someone’s trust, it is important for you to look at your part in breaking the trust and the reasons behind it. If you do not do this, you are likely to repeat similar mistakes. Next, apologize to the person and explain that you realized why you did that (and share the reason if it feels appropriate) and tell them you are working to regain their trust. Finally—and this will be a process—you will have to work consistently to prove to them you are trustworthy—you are going to have to show up and be impeccable in doing what you say you’re going to do. And then you’re going to have to do it again and again and again.

This is a wonderful journey, however, not just for them but also for you because, in regaining their trust, you are practicing becoming a more trustworthy individual, not just for them, but for yourself, and this will only make your life better in the long run.

If someone broke your trust, look at your energetic matches with them in yourself. Are there ways that you break promises to yourself? Or let yourself down in your goals towards your betterment as an individual? Are there similar ways you let others down? Next, sit down with that person and talk about how you felt and what needs to happen for you to regain trust in that person. Their reaction to this conversation will be a good clue as to whether they will work to regain your trust or not. If you feel that they are sorry and are truly going to try to make amends and gain your trust back, you can think about moving forward with them.

Keep in mind, however, that some people may give lip service but not follow through on their actions in becoming more trustworthy. Over time, you will have to decide whether you truly want this person in your life. If someone is not loyal to themselves or strong in themselves, they can not truly be loyal or trustworthy to you, much less anyone else, and this is no reflection on your worth as a person.

Thank you for bringing up this important topic, Samba.

HOW TO HANDLE A FRIEND THAT CONSTANTLY FLAKES OUT ON ME?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a friend that constantly schedules with me, then cancels at the last minute. My friend’s sweet and fun but I’m beginning to feel the friendship is not worth it. What are your thoughts?

–Feeling Not So Friendly Anymore (United States)

DEAR FEELING:

Well, first you might want to use this opportunity to clear any energetic matches you have with your friend. It sounds like you’re not the type of person to schedule then flake out with your friends. Are you just as reliable at work? Or with family? Or with things that are just for you—like exercise, quiet time for yourself, journaling, staying within your budget, or whatever it is that you need to do just for you? Observe if you have any similar energetic matches with your friend and release them if you want, and call back all your reliability for yourself.

Next, you might want to sit down with your friend and have a talk if you haven’t already. Let them know this habit bothers you and let them know some specifics of how it has inconvenienced you—for example, maybe you turned down an invitation to a concert because you had already committed to getting together with this friend.

You might want to decide on the consequence of this behavior should it recur in the future. For example, in the future, maybe either you’ll only invite them to group parties where it doesn’t matter exactly how many people there are, or maybe you will decide to just use your time and energy getting together with people who keep their commitments to you in the same way you keep your commitments to them.

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GUY IS THE ONE FOR YOU?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you know if a guy is the one for you? I’ve been with someone for almost a year now but I’m still not sure.

–Love-Confused (Brazil)

DEAR LOVE-CONFUSED:

Congratulations on having the courage to look at this so you can make a conscious choice for your relationship.

Some things to think about…. Is your life better with this guy or without him? Do you feel comfortable with this guy yet also motivated to continually grow and improve yourself with this guy? If everything fell away from this guy (his looks, his job, his title, his home, his car, etc.), would you want to be with this man? Is he strong in himself? Do you share core values? Do you trust him? Can you be yourself with him? Can he communicate with you when things get tough? Do you make each other laugh? If he never changed at all, would you be happy being with him exactly as he is?

Relationships are complex but these are some starter questions to look at in contemplating whether or not you wish to continue this relationship.

Wishing you much love.

 

SHOULD I CONTACT MY OLD SWEETHEART?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married and have been to a wonderful man for 20 years. I can’t help thinking about my high-school sweetheart from time to time, though. Sometimes I dream about him too. Should I contact my old sweetheart? I’ve seen him on my former classmates’ Facebook pages but have not friended him nor has he friended me.

–Longing for Someone from My Past (United States)

DEAR LONGING:

First, I would think about what you’re hoping to achieve by contacting your old high-school sweetheart. Are you hoping to rekindle things with him? Are you happy in your marriage? Do you love your husband? Are you willing to give him up for someone who may or may no longer be the person you used to know? And maybe he never even really was the person you thought he was. These are just a few of the questions to start with as you make your decision whether or not to contact him.

Also, I recommend your talking to your husband about this before contacting this man from your past. I’m a bit old-fashioned this way—trust in a marriage is sacred and is very difficult to rebuild once it is broken. Marriages may look completely different for each couple but trust and respect are keys foundations for every successful marriage no matter what type of marriage it is. If you don’t want to tell your husband you are contacting this man, is it because you have something to hide?

Just think about these different factors and notice what you notice. Sometimes we long for someone but what we’re really longing for is what that person symbolizes—the person you were when you knew him, the innocence or passion of your life at the time, or something else entirely.

You might want to start by examining this. If you’re longing for the passion or excitement of that time, how can you create it in your current life? Perhaps a romantic weekend with your husband playing with new positions or energies in a fresh environment. Or maybe a weekend oil-painting workshop if you’ve always loved art and longed to paint. Start by giving yourself whatever it is you feel you are missing in your life before trying to create it from anything external and just notice what happens.

If you feel something is missing in your relationship with your husband, give yourself that energy (for example, through classes, fun adventures, simple breaks in your routines, or a weekend on your own) and let it spread through all aspects of your life, including your marriage.

NOTE TO READERS: TODAY I DISCOVERED AWONDERFUL FEATURE ON WORDPRESS WHERE YOU CAN SCHEDULE YOUR PRE-WRITTEN BLOGS. SO NOW I CAN JUST DO THAT IN ADVANCE WHEN I’M GOING TO BE ON THE ROAD. I HAD WISHED SUCH A FEATURE EXISTED, AND VOILA! ISN’T THAT OFTEN THE CASE THAT WHAT WE SEEK IS RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES? HA HA.

CAN I STAY FRIENDS WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND EX WHO ARE NOW DATING EACH OTHER?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

This is kind of a stupid question. Nobody wants to sleep with me. Women find me really creepy. But I don’t see where I’m any different than my buddies who say the same kinds of things or dress the same way or drive the same kinds of cars or have the same sorts of jobs or whatever the hell else.  But women go off with them and one even told my friend that I am creepy. What do YOU think is going on?

–What the $@C!? (United States)

DEAR WHAT THE:

Congratulations on taking a look at this. Many people would not have the courage to look at this and would simply dismiss it and not deal with it.

“Creepiness” doesn’t really have anything to do with clothes or car or jobs per se although certain things can contribute to a creepy vibe.

Maybe one of the things that is going on is that women are noticing things on an energetic level, which may not even have to do with your own authentic energy.

When I have met people who had a creepy vibe, usually what was happening was one or more of the following:

1)    They were unaware of what their energy was doing and they were cording other people energetically (hooking into their energy and sometimes sucking it sort like an energy vampire) and/or their energy was invasive and not respecting of the other person’s boundaries. In this case, it’s helpful to meditate regularly and keep intending to call all your energy back to you in divine form and intend to release any cords. Also release any anger, any resistance, and any “creepy energy” and any other energy that is not yours and intend to fill in your body and aura layers with your true divine energy.

2)    They had other people’s creepy energy absorbed into and running through their bodies, making them seem creepy. For example, if you’ve been on a fishing boat, cleaning fish or just riding on the boat, you’d probably come home with your body and your hair and your clothes smelling like fish even if you aren’t a fish. Which would require you to take a shower and wash your clothes before you no longer smelled fishy. Fortunately, you can do the same thing with your energy, cleaning off energy that’s not yours, by meditating or getting a healing.

3)    Sometimes people carry around pictures that get stuck on them that they resist and they attract even more pictures in a similar vibration. For example, maybe one day, someone a long time ago told you that you were creepy or you heard them say their were creepy and you resisted that because of course who wants to be thought of as creepy? But when you resist the picture that gets in your space that you unconsciously wear around on your auras, it attracts even more creepy pictures or maybe people just notice the big old creepy picture on you and mistakenly think that you are creepy. Try not to resist being thought of as creepy and just keep validating the beautiful clean, respectful, light spirit you are inside and it’ll act like Teflon for any creepy pictures that happen to be stuck to you.

Have fun developing and seeing and showing the real you.

HOW TO KNOW WHAT TO TRUST WHEN A HEALER TELLS YOU SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T RESONATE FOR YOU?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I just came back from a bodywork session and the practitioner did something where she’d ask me questions and then feel the resistance in my outstretched left arm for her answers. She told me a bunch of stuff and there were times during the session where the energy felt right, and I trusted her, and then she told me something that just doesn’t feel right.  I’m still open to the idea, and trying it on, but something about it feels off.

She somehow came up with the age 17 and asked me who during that age in my life, a man in my life, was very punishing, and I had the hardest time coming up with someone. The only person remotely close was my childhood close friend, Garth, who called me a lot for support, help, etc., whenever he was in some crisis, which was a lot. Anyway, according to this woman, I have, all these years been carrying around his punishing energy because of my empathy and wanting to help him…. I am having a hard time believing this, and wonder what you think of this. I have never heard this from anyone else before.

–Sara (New Zealand)

DEAR SARA:

Congratulations on taking a look at these energies. Ultimately, the most important thing is learning to trust your divine knowingness, which will never let you down. The only thing is that sometimes it takes a while to differentiate between divine knowingness and other energies, including that of our ego or fears or resistance or whatever other energies we’re carrying, which can sometimes feel more real than our divine knowingness when we’re not in full alignment with spirit.

As you continue to look at this, a couple things to think about:

  • No healer or psychic is ever 100% accurate. Even the most gifted may have an off day or be influenced by unclear energies.
  • Sometimes we may not recognize certain energies within ourselves, for a little while or even for a lifetime. We may recognize them after we release the karma or release the energies or maybe get some time and distance from them, at which point we can see the energy more clearly. Sometimes there may even be a lot of energetic programming or energy in the way of us seeing various energies that have been in place for some time with good intention or not-entirely-conscious motivations such as hiding the energy so we won’t notice and so we’ll keep carrying them around so the other person doesn’t have to.

I recommend you ground out any punishment energy (and any other energies that no longer serve your highest good) and notice what comes out. Keep doing this over time and also keep filling yourself in with wholeness and validation and notice what you notice.

Enjoy the journey of exploration.

%d bloggers like this: