Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have never had an orgasm with my new boyfriend. What can I do to help this?

—Isabel (Spain)

DEAR ISABEL:

There are a number of factors that may contribute to this situation. If you have never had an orgasm, write to me again and clarify and I will give you some additional recommendations. If you have been able to have an orgasm on your own and/or with past boyfriends in the recent past, then you might want to consider the following:

1) Communication is very important. Let your boyfriend know what feels good to you, both verbally and by showing him what pleases you.

2) Relax as much as possible. Maybe you could take a nice hot bath first or do some yoga or meditation so you can really be in a relaxed and open state of mind.

3) Prolong the foreplay. You might also want to incorporate some fun toys into your foreplay. Try the butterfly, the JimmyJane,  or the Eroscillator (http://www.eroscillator.com). I’ve heard good things about the Eroscillator although it does have a slightly disturbing resemblance to dental equipment. Ha ha.  You might also want to try some lube like Sylk or Astroglide.

4) Practice safe sex with condoms and whatever form of birth control your health-care provider recommends. Ease of mind translates to ease of body. There are all kinds of  fun condoms, including ribbed and other textured ones that may be fun for you as well.

5) Explore different positions, perhaps with you on top so you can set the rhythm and pace that your body needs. You might want to play with the coital alignment technique (CAT) as well, which is a very popular position that will allow full-body contact and eye contact if you wish. And even with the CAT, experiment. Even an almost imperceptible shift in positioning or angle can make a huge difference in your experience and pleasure, so play and see what you like and what is right for you and for the two of you together.

6) Notice the energetic dynamics between you and your boyfriend. In order to have an orgasm, you must let go of control energetically.  If this is difficult for you only with this boyfriend in particular and you haven’t had this issue with previous boyfriends, that could be your body telling you that it just doesn’t feel that safe with this particular person. If this is the case, notice that and think about if there is something in particular that can be addressed that makes you not feel safe with this particular man. If not, it could be that your body’s knowingness is telling you there may be some reason this isn’t really the right  match for you.

7) Be in the present moment and enjoy each part of the journey of your time with your boyfriend, from conversation to foreplay to each phase after. Enjoy each moment and each sensation for what it is. If you focus too much on an end goal of orgasm, you are in effort, and effort is a form of resistance, which will tend to push away an orgasm energetically. So just enjoy and let the orgasm unfold from within you organically. You might even want to play with just relaxing in bed together initially, with no intercourse. Play and touch each other and ask each other what feels good in a no-pressure situation, and just explore and have fun.

8) Contact your physician if you continue to have difficulties reaching an orgasm. There could be medical reasons for this, or even different prescriptions you’re taking that are affecting your body’s sexual drive and response.

The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the exploration. Enjoy your body, enjoy the love, and enjoy your boyfriend!