HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GUY IS THE ONE FOR YOU?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you know if a guy is the one for you? I’ve been with someone for almost a year now but I’m still not sure.

–Love-Confused (Brazil)

DEAR LOVE-CONFUSED:

Congratulations on having the courage to look at this so you can make a conscious choice for your relationship.

Some things to think about…. Is your life better with this guy or without him? Do you feel comfortable with this guy yet also motivated to continually grow and improve yourself with this guy? If everything fell away from this guy (his looks, his job, his title, his home, his car, etc.), would you want to be with this man? Is he strong in himself? Do you share core values? Do you trust him? Can you be yourself with him? Can he communicate with you when things get tough? Do you make each other laugh? If he never changed at all, would you be happy being with him exactly as he is?

Relationships are complex but these are some starter questions to look at in contemplating whether or not you wish to continue this relationship.

Wishing you much love.

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR DOG DOESN’T LIKE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I just started dating someone and my dog, who usually likes everybody, really hates my new boyfriend. She starts growling and barking at him. I’ve never seen her react like that to anyone else. Should I find a dog trainer? What should I do?

–Wondering What’s Going On (Australia)

DEAR WONDERING:

If your dog never acts like this with anyone else, pay attention. If your dog has seen you with other boyfriends and has not acted aggressively, she is probably trying to tell you something. If she has never seen you with a boyfriend before, she might just be protective or even jealous. Sit down and try to communicate with your dog about what she is trying to tell you. Notice, too, if there are particular times she barks at your boyfriend. Notice also how your boyfriend treats your dog. She might be trying to alert you to various energies coming through him that you’re not aware of. Or she may be trying to let you know something about your boyfriend in general.

I wouldn’t worry about a dog trainer just yet but keep an eye on how things are going and call one if you need to. 

Thank your dog for her communication. Most of all, though, pay attention to your own intuition and your own knowingness in response to your boyfriend.

HOW TO DEAL WITH PAIN DURING SEX

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am 36 years old and have a new boyfriend after having been single for a few years. I find intercourse painful every time and wonder what suggestions you might have. I almost want to give up dating but maybe there is another way.

–Embarrassed (England)

DEAR EMBARRASSED:

Please continue dating. There is no reason this has to keep you from being in a relationship.

Keep communicating with your boyfriend. If he’s the one for you, he’ll understand and work through this with you.

First of all, talk to your doctor or health-care professional to ensure there’s not a physical issue that needs to be addressed. There are a number of possible medical causes for this, so talk to your doctor about possible causes and solutions.

If there are no particular medical conditions, start by experimenting with the following:

1)    Be sure to use condoms and practice safe sex.

2)    Engage in lots of foreplay and wait till you feel completely comfortable and turned on before penetration, and use plenty of lubricant.

3)    When you’re not sexually active and your hormone levels could be changing, it may help to keep everything nicely elastic on your own while you’re single. It’s generally easier to keep things maintained through regular sex (including with yourself even when you are not with a partner). However, you can still get your body used to accommodating something inside of you with yourself or with your partner, perhaps starting with something smaller like maybe a finger, then two, etc. Medical vaginal dilator kits are also available, and you can go up in size gradually, getting your body used to accommodating something inside of you until you can physically enjoy intercourse with your new boyfriend without discomfort.

On an energetic level, release any fear or blocks about intimacy and any energy that doesn’t serve you between you and your partner as well as any fears about being vulnerable or getting hurt. Then reset your sexual space to comfort and ease and pleasure.

Enjoy the journey!

Aside

ARE CERTAIN PROFESSIONS MORE LIKELY TO HAVE MEN WITH A STRONG SEX DRIVE OR WHO ARE GOOD IN BED?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I spent many years in a sexless marriage and am newly divorced. Could you tell me, is there a profession or professions that typically have men with more of a sex drive and/or that are good in bed? Because if there is, I want to date someone in that profession.

–SINGLE WOMAN IN HER 30’S

DEAR SINGLE:

Sexuality is a complex aspect of self so there are no hard (ha ha, yes, pun intended) rules as far as men in a certain profession. There are very sensual engineers and ardent accountants, so prevailing stereotypes are false (as are all stereotypes inherently).

I suggest having a conversation early on (before you sleep with someone but definitely way before you’re either getting undressed or are already naked!) about your individual priorities regarding sex. If you’re getting along well with someone and it’s a huge priority for you but not at all a priority for them (like maybe they’re happy having sex once a month or not at all), you both know right away that is an issue and you both have a chance to evaluate whether the compatible areas outweigh the differences in opinions about sex—frequency, quality, styles, etc.

Another option is getting a reading to determine your sexual and other compatibilities before the relationship progresses too far. But a general conversation on the topic is still important. And of course, certain factors may affect someone’s sex drive temporarily—stress, medications, illness, energy levels, etc.

When you’re on a first date, notice too how he eats. Does he savor each bite or does he wolf things down with one eye on the sports channel and the other on his smartphone?

Also, is he in a job where he can move a lot or is he in a desk job but goes for walks or goes to the gym? Men who exercise may tend to be healthier, which can sometimes translate into a healthy sex drive. Also, men who drink too much or do drugs may sometimes have impaired sexual function.

Personally, I have noticed that people who are doing in life what they love seem to generally have strong sex drives. This is true but not limited to many creative types. Some artists and musicians and chefs (yes, chefs) are quite delightful in bed. But then again, chefs or musicians or artists who are very in their heads (but the upper heads and not the lower heads—oh I am on a roll today, just cracking myself up) and more oriented to technical details without the energy or heart of the music or art or food, may sometimes reflect similar propensities in their lovemaking as well. Athletes can sometimes be a lot of fun, too, and tend to have lots of stamina.

In any case, for every person out there, there are a number of great matches for them, and of course certain partners may bring out certain aspects of their sexuality more than others simply because of the chemistry of that particular relationship combination.

For every person who finds it ideal to have sex once a month, there are a number of people who would be equally happy with this arrangement. It’s just a matter of finding someone with compatible needs.

NOTE: I invite you to write in with your own question, either in the Comments section or by emailing askdalimama@gmail.com. THanks for joining us today and every day, readers!

WAS I MOLESTED?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a 45-year-old man and recently I’ve been thinking that maybe my father molested me when I was little. I’m not really sure, though, but sometimes I see pieces of what are maybe memories or maybe they’re dreams. My father is still alive. Should I talk to him about this?

–Am I Crazy? (Canada)

DEAR AM I CRAZY:

This is a difficult situation but you will be able to handle it. Sometimes we may have dreams or even strange astral experiences where someone may be disguised as your father. Or even flashes of past-life recall about someone, which makes “reality” a little murky. On the other hand, it could certainly be something you experienced in this lifetime that you have repressed that is now emerging into your consciousness.

You may want to consider seeing a reputable therapist, possibly a hypnotherapist that can regress you through your childhood. Be sure you choose someone excellent as some therapists who are not qualified may unintentionally lead their patient or plant memories of what they think happened versus what actually happened.

Depending on what you learn during your explorations, you may also want to speak to your father about this, perhaps in the presence of your therapist who can help you navigate the dynamics with your father and who can also provide a neutral opinion of his response when you discuss this with him.

In any case, to be on the safe side, if you have children, don’t leave them unsupervised with your father, just as a precaution. You can do this subtly and without accusing him if you are not sure. And if you have children and have left them with your father, you might ask them general questions (being careful not to lead them in any way) about what they do when they’re hanging out with your father. You may also wish to carefully broach the subject with your siblings if you have any. This might give you some answers as well.

In either case, I applaud your courage to discover the truth and work through these energies.

HELP! MY SON IS GETTING BULLIED

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My son gets bullied a lot at school. He’s short for his age. Maybe that’s why he gets picked on. How can I help him?

–Concerned father (United States)

DEAR FATHER:

Start by talking to him and making a plan with him and any other family members, taking into account of your son’s input and feelings. Ultimately, you will have to do what you think best as as parent and adult, but do listen to him and make sure he feels heard and incorporate any of his ideas and suggestions that are feasible. Then talk to his teacher and possibly the principal to make sure they know what is going on and agree on a plan to resolve and monitor this situation.

Another thing you might want to do is find something that helps him develop confidence as well as social skills in group settings.

You might want to consider something like either a children’s tai chi or qi gong class (or even some places offer father-son or family classes). This is something that will help him develop confidence and will help him practice allowing his body to let the energy flow and also help him learn neutrality and ease in a peaceful energy. When he is confident and not resisting the energy of bullying, the other kids will start to leave him alone more.

Also, keep the lines of communication open with him and his teachers and principal to monitor the situation while giving him space to learn how to handle himself (keeping a watchful eye from afar) and validating his inner strength and power. Don’t treat him like he is helpless or weak or a victim, as that gives more energy to those pictures. Do what you need to to ensure his safety and well-being while validating his spirit, which is strong and whole.

WHAT TO DO WITH AN ACCUSING GIRLFRIEND?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her. I am a faithful woman who has been in this relationship for several years and used to be very committed but now every time she does this, it just makes me want to actually go out and cheat on her although this is not my style at all. Should I break it off? Or is there a way to fix this?

–Had It up to Here (Portugal)

DEAR HAD IT:

You might want to try relationship counseling if you have not already and she should also go to counseling on her own to address the root of her self-sabotaging behavior and fears. With the guidance of your relationship counselor or therapist, perhaps you could both set a timeframe for this behavior to change and agree on the consequences of this behavior continuing past this time.

Communicate clearly to your girlfriend how this behavior is damaging the relationship and what the consequences of this behavior entail; e.g., your leaving the relationship since it seems you’re near a breaking point.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Do the positive aspects of this relationship outweigh the frustrations of this ongoing issue? If not, perhaps it is time to go once you’ve given it your best.

Your girlfriend’s behavior is a good example of how people can create the situations they dread the most through their own resistance and fear.

Either way, let go of any resistance to her false accusations. It is natural to want to do something you’re accused falsely of but it will only hurt both of you. 

HOW TO SLEEP BETTER/BEINGS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have for a while been having disrupted sleep. I have to go to bed really early as I know I will be woken up at least twice by upsetting or scary dreams that keep me up for an hour or so each time.

Is it beings (lost spirits) trying to scare me as I have heard this is possible? And if so, can I do anything before I sleep to safeguard myself and stop this from happening?

–T.W. (Brazil)

DEAR T.W.:

Part of the reason you are having disrupted sleep might be that things have been super intense on the astral level (as well as on the planet) lately.

Set your space before you go to sleep, imagining putting boundary roses on each of the walls of your space and on the ceiling and floor. And fill your room with rest, relaxation, safety, and security.

Sometimes beings do try to mess with people to scare them. For this particular level of activity, try asking them what they want. Have your certainty and neutrality as you’re communicating with them. Usually they will either communicate with you or leave you alone if you’re not afraid of them. 

WHY AREN’T MY SPIRIT GUIDES MORE CHATTY WITH ME?

Why is it that some spirit guides are so unhelpful or not forthcoming with any information at all?  As a clairvoyant, have you ever noticed this?  And if so, why do some people have guides that are continually like this and others don’t?

–Befuddled (Canada)

DEAR BEFUDDLED:

Spirit guides, like people, each have their own unique way of communicating, which can vary according to the person they’re communicating with or with what’s called for in each situation. Also, they must communicate in a way that does not interfere with their person’s free will or highest good.

Sometimes they do not explicitly communicate about things because it might create expectations where their person blocks the upcoming miracle or situation if they are told about it in advance out of nervousness or fear or simply misinterpreting the communication because of their own mental or energetic filters.

All spirits guides do communicate in some way if you ask for communication. Often, they communicate to people through their dreams where the person’s conscious, analytical mind can’t get in the way quite as much. Also, spirit guides often communicate to people but their communications might get interpreted as “having a hunch” or “getting a good or bad feeling about something” or getting an inspiration or an idea about something. Thus the person is getting the communication even if they don’t consciously recognize that their spirit guide was helping them out.

Even when you do not realize it, you are getting communication from your spirit guides as well as the information they are conveying, even if it is not on a fully conscious level. Start by communicating more with your spirit guides and getting to know each better on a daily basis, and your friendship and working relationship and communication will develop even further.

OUCH! MY BOYFRIEND IS HUGE

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend is really huge, if you know what I mean. It feels really painful when we have sex. What do you recommend?

–C.D. (United States) 

DEAR C.D.:

I’m going to answer this from the perspective of you being a female and if that’s not the case, let me know the specifics and I’ll answer it from a different perspective.

First of all, be sure to communicate what is going on so he can be more aware of what’s going on with you so he can go more slowly and gently, and so he can know the exact point that it becomes uncomfortable. Maybe you could start for a month or so with you being on top so you can have more control over how far he goes in and at what pace. Use tons of lubricant too. Try Sylk or you can even make your own with aloe if you have any aloe plants. Over time, your vaginal canal will start to stretch more to accommodate him (both girthwise and lengthwise) but never push yourself beyond what is comfortable for you, or your body will start to resist and you could also damage something.

Play with this gradually and see how it goes. At the very least, you both should be able to find a happy medium over time.

Note: Readers, I invite you to send in your own questions. You may email them to askdalimama@gmail.com or write them in the comments section.

 

 

HELP! I DON’T HAVE ORGASMS WITH MY NEW BOYFRIEND

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have never had an orgasm with my new boyfriend. What can I do to help this?

—Isabel (Spain)

DEAR ISABEL:

There are a number of factors that may contribute to this situation. If you have never had an orgasm, write to me again and clarify and I will give you some additional recommendations. If you have been able to have an orgasm on your own and/or with past boyfriends in the recent past, then you might want to consider the following:

1) Communication is very important. Let your boyfriend know what feels good to you, both verbally and by showing him what pleases you.

2) Relax as much as possible. Maybe you could take a nice hot bath first or do some yoga or meditation so you can really be in a relaxed and open state of mind.

3) Prolong the foreplay. You might also want to incorporate some fun toys into your foreplay. Try the butterfly, the JimmyJane,  or the Eroscillator (http://www.eroscillator.com). I’ve heard good things about the Eroscillator although it does have a slightly disturbing resemblance to dental equipment. Ha ha.  You might also want to try some lube like Sylk or Astroglide.

4) Practice safe sex with condoms and whatever form of birth control your health-care provider recommends. Ease of mind translates to ease of body. There are all kinds of  fun condoms, including ribbed and other textured ones that may be fun for you as well.

5) Explore different positions, perhaps with you on top so you can set the rhythm and pace that your body needs. You might want to play with the coital alignment technique (CAT) as well, which is a very popular position that will allow full-body contact and eye contact if you wish. And even with the CAT, experiment. Even an almost imperceptible shift in positioning or angle can make a huge difference in your experience and pleasure, so play and see what you like and what is right for you and for the two of you together.

6) Notice the energetic dynamics between you and your boyfriend. In order to have an orgasm, you must let go of control energetically.  If this is difficult for you only with this boyfriend in particular and you haven’t had this issue with previous boyfriends, that could be your body telling you that it just doesn’t feel that safe with this particular person. If this is the case, notice that and think about if there is something in particular that can be addressed that makes you not feel safe with this particular man. If not, it could be that your body’s knowingness is telling you there may be some reason this isn’t really the right  match for you.

7) Be in the present moment and enjoy each part of the journey of your time with your boyfriend, from conversation to foreplay to each phase after. Enjoy each moment and each sensation for what it is. If you focus too much on an end goal of orgasm, you are in effort, and effort is a form of resistance, which will tend to push away an orgasm energetically. So just enjoy and let the orgasm unfold from within you organically. You might even want to play with just relaxing in bed together initially, with no intercourse. Play and touch each other and ask each other what feels good in a no-pressure situation, and just explore and have fun.

8) Contact your physician if you continue to have difficulties reaching an orgasm. There could be medical reasons for this, or even different prescriptions you’re taking that are affecting your body’s sexual drive and response.

The most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the exploration. Enjoy your body, enjoy the love, and enjoy your boyfriend!

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