Ask Dali Mama

It’s so amazing what humans can do at any age, whether you’re four or you’re 100 years old!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/27/art-prodigies_n_1699565.html

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I work for myself and am building my income. My problem is that when I go out with my friends whom I’ve always hung out with before from when I was working full-time, they always split the check by the number of people even though they order multiple drinks and appetizers and dessert and I only get an entree and maybe one drink but then they expect me to pay the same as them so I am essentially financing much of their bill. I hate to be petty but this is hard for me right now with a limited budget. How do I handle that without seeming like a jerk?

—Feeling Awkward (United States)

DEAR FEELING:

One thing you could do to be proactive is to ask for a separate check when you’re ordering and you let your friends know you’re handling financial stuff in a new way because you’re working for yourself now. Anyone who is truly your friend should understand and be fine with it.

If you feel comfortable with it, they’ll probably be fine with it. If you’re emanating awkwardness and embarrassment about it, they might pick up on it and might feel weird about it too as a reflection of what you’re feeling.

Give it a try and see how it goes. And congratulations on experimenting with new ways that work for your new life!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My friend is a bombshell and is smart and talented and employed and also goes for the worst kinds of guys. Plural on both counts. Many wonderful men ask her out and she always ignores them. I am sick and tired of listening to her cry and complain about her own self-created drama but what kind of friend would I be if I ignore her in her times of crises (plural)? I have tried to warn her about some of the men but she never listens. What do you advise someone who is trying to be a good friend to her friend who makes questionable choices?

—Bewildered in Brazil

DEAR BEWILDERED:

She’s lucky to have you as a friend. As she obviously doesn’t listen to what you tell her, I would simply ask her various questions along the process of her picking out unsuitable men. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t go out with that guy. He has a reputation for using women,” ask a series of questions.

For example, the dialogue might go something like this:

Friend: “I really like [User Guy].”

You: “I heard he tends to use women. What is it about him that attracts you?”

Friend: “He’s so sexy [or cute or funny or whatever].”

You: “What about him do you feel is sexy [or cute or funny or whatever] as opposed to [Guy That Treats Women Well]?” or “Why do you think you are interested in him even though we’ve both heard a lot about how he hasn’t treated his past girlfriends well, do you think?”

I suggest asking her questions that make her think rather than trying to tell her what to do or how to think or whom to love. Ultimately, recognize you have no real say or control over what she does.

It can be very difficult for us when we see people we love making bad choices and then living the consequences, even more so when we know we will be helping pick up the pieces. However, recognize that she is creating the situation out of her soul’s desire to learn things such as discernment and what the consequences of one’s choices can look like.

It is up to you to set boundaries on what you can do to help and support her. When you see her continually making poor choices, it is not your responsibility to stay up with her on the phone comforting her every night till 3 a.m., for example. Decide what you can do without hurting yourself or draining you and stick to those boundaries while doing what you can.

Bless you. May all your kindness and support come back to you a millionfold.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend of seven years just broke up with me. He says he loves me but not that way. Should I try to change his mind? Is it possible to and if so, how do I make him come back to me? I really thought we’d get married someday. I still love him and he is my best friend too.

—Hurting (United States)

DEAR H.:

As painful as this time must be for you, do not try to change his mind. You love him and so let him go to pursue the kind of relationship he wants. As he loves you too, perhaps walking away at this point is the kindest thing he could have possibly done for you—rather than to let things drag on knowing he does not love you in the way you deserve and that he is making space for you to meet someone who wants to marry you since that seems to be something you want. He can still be your good friend but perhaps it would be best for both of you to take time apart to establish new routines for yourselves and to make space for new relationships down the road.

Use this time to practice being your own best friends and loving yourself and rediscovering who you are now outside of the context of this relationship. You may be quite delighted at what you find and it will serve you well in building a future that fits the person that you are now.

Much love.

I love artist Julie Maren’s work. It is full of whimsy, spirit, color, light, and form. Her work ranges from large-scale installations made from recycled and repurposed paintings to sculpture and carvings to large-scale ceramics to paintings and much more. Please check out her website at https://www.juliemaren.com to see for yourself.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What are some practical tips for getting my mojo running? I’ve been single for years and not feeling very sensual or desirable. I don’t even feel like masturbating but I’d like to awaken my sexual energy. Do you have a few tips for a single woman?

—Feeling Nonsexual (Canada)

Dear F.N.:

Congratulations on taking responsibility for your mojo!

Here are a few suggestions:

• Start by doing things you’re passionate about—whatever you do that makes the time go by instantly! That might be writing or painting or being in nature—whatever floats your boat!
• Get your sexy on. Dress sexy even if you’re hanging out at home—wear soft cloth in silky colors and something that makes you feel beautiful and nurtured.
• Eat sexy. See if there are any ways you can clean up your diet—a healthy diet supports a stronger sex drive. You might also want to try incorporating some aphrodisiac foods such as chocolate or oysters and chili peppers.
• Turn on your mind. Do things that stimulate your mind—learning a new class, joining a Meetup group targeted to one of your interests. They have Meetup groups on everything from speaking Portuguese to films groups to nature walks, and everything else. In addition, you could read erotic literature or watch a sexy movie such as The Piano or Bull Durham or Kama Sutra: A Tale or Love or something that features an actor or actress you find particularly sexy.
• Take a workshop on orgasmic meditation (https://onetaste.us) and go to their weekly circles or play on your own. You might not feel like you’re in the mood at first, especially if you’ve taken a break from sexual activity for a while, but once you prime your body to get your sexual energy running and you get in the habit, it will be much easier for your body to get into that turned-on state.
• Ask your doctor or naturopath to look at your blood chemistry. Ask them to check your hormones and other numbers and factors that might be affecting your libido and see what they suggest.

Have fun, my friend!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband farts incessantly. It’s not woefully odorific (usually) but annoying nevertheless. What say you, Dali Mama?

—Yucked Out (United States)

DEAR Y.O.:

Well, perhaps it’d be more fun for you to be amused rather than to be yucked out. Haha. And thank your lucky stars that his gas isn’t usually too noxious.

Now, as far as dealing with the cause of his flatulence, could he perhaps have food allergies? He might want to keep a log of what he eats and what causes his gas, and then to go consult his doctor with this record in hand. His doctor might want to do an allergy test. Many people are unknowingly allergic to common foods such as wheat or dairy or a combination thereof. These allergies can often cause gas and other symptoms.

You might also want to google causes of flatulence and the two of you could try to avoid gas-causing foods, which may help as well.

Perhaps you could also thank him and thank God that that’s his annoying thing he does versus gambling away your joint savings or cheating and lying about it or any number of alternative transgressions he could have.

Also, as strange as it sounds, that’s the beauty of intimacy between two perfect souls in very human bodies—appreciate the close but sometimes messy intimacy of humans who love and trust each when they are close to each other and living together. If he were gone, you might even miss his inconvenient noises. Cherish even this because this is a part of your current life together.

That being said, I hope you both can enjoy a lot of laughs about this and I hope that perhaps his doctor can help him eliminate the cause of excess gas for his health and comfort and, even then, then it can become a long-distant, funny memory for you two to laugh at together.

P.S. If he is embarrassed about his constant farting, maybe you could be silently amused while having compassion. We’ve all been “betrayed” by our bodies doing their jobs at some point (whether it is gas or a tampon leaking) and we know how it feels to be embarrassed. If he doesn’t want to make a joke of it together, just keep going about your business and don’t let his farting bother you too much. Just enjoy the other gifts of your life together. xoxo