HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY RICH FRIEND WHO CONSTANTLY COMPLAINS SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY MONEY?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am having financial trouble and things are so tight, it’s really scary. I have a part-time job but it doesn’t pay much and I’m still trying to find a full-time job. My question is not about this but that is the back story. I have a friend I went to school with who has such a lot of money—or at least it seems that way to me. She is always taking cruises and going abroad and buying things like $5,000 purses or a new fancy car every year. That’s fine but I get really annoyed because she always says she doesn’t have any money. Clearly that is not the case. Should I say something to her about how I feel when she talks like this?

—More and More Annoyed (United States)

DEAR M.A.M.A.:

If she is really your friend, it is worth it to have a conversation about how you feel when you hear her talk like this. Try to get really neutral first on your own, then start an honest conversation in the vibration of wanting to have a real and authentic relationship with your friend. Perhaps you could say something like, “We’ve been friends for a long time and I appreciate that but I’d like to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me because otherwise it might get in the way of our friendship. Sometimes I feel annoyed when I often hear you say you don’t have any money, but you seem to have money. This probably bothers me even more because I’ve been struggling financially.” See how your friend responds and you can go from there.

The important thing to remember is to be honest and loving, to validate your reality and be open to hearing your friends, and to talk in the spirit of deepening a long-lasting friendship with authenticity.

HOW CAN YOU DETERMINE THE RIGHT WAY TO TREAT YOUR MONEY?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you determine if the way you treat your money is right? I mean, how can I judge or neutrally observe my relationship to both spending and saving my money?

I have always lived a sheltered life and only have a strict family to compare myself to as regards money. My family is frugal which funnily pushes me in the opposite direction and I overspend and don’t give a fig, even when I perhaps should.

—Curious (Canada)

 

DEAR CURIOUS:

Thanks for your awareness on your spending habits. Often when we resist something (like our family pushing us to be frugal), we can go in the opposite direction, even when it’s not in our best interest.

Perhaps you could try making a list of your top 10 priorities—health, education, career, etc. And just for a month, write down every single amount you spend and what you spent it on. Notice then whether your spending reflects your true priorities and you can choose to make adjustments accordingly.

Notice, too, as you are thinking of spending money—in what energy are you spending it? For example, are you wanting to buy something out of a feeling of wanting to self-soothe to make yourself feel better for a moment? Or are you wanting to spend money out of a feeling of lack—like you’ll miss out and never have the chance for something again if you don’t buy that thing now? Or are you making the decision to buy something from a space of awareness and empowerment where you know you have the money and choose to buy something because you know it will add to your life’s mission and priorities.

Have fun exploring this! Thanks for being curious!

HOW DO I WORK THROUGH MY FEARS OF SUCCESS AND FAILURE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been paralysed by my fears from taking action in my professional life for the past few months. This lack of action has affected my mental as well as financial well being. It all comes down to a fear of success, as crazy as that might sound. And also, a little fear of failure and rejection.

Ultimately I am scared that if I take action and make things happen in my business, it will propel me towards success that I won’t be able to handle and that it will bring me added responsibilities. I’m scared that new responsibility will tie me down and make me less of a free spirit and be a noose around my neck. Also I will have to take responsibility towards others who buy my product: I am a perfectionist so it kinda scares me, the potential fault finding and finger pointing of others.

My fear of rejection by clients is the flip side of the coin. I don’t deal with rejection well or bounce back up quickly. I retreat even more.

How can I break out of this self-sabotaging behaviour? And how can I drastically change perspective and shed my fears?

—Success Hungry Yet Success Scared (S. Africa)

DEAR S.H.Y.S.S.:

Many people have fear of success as well as fear of failure but don’t understand that those fears are holding them back. Your awareness of these fears will help you work through them more quickly since you can do so consciously.

Perhaps you can take the first step of breaking down your bigger goals into small concrete tasks in order of priority and tackle them one by one. Focusing on concrete tasks will ultimately be more productive for you than focusing on abstract worst-case scenarios or fears of being successful and then tanking or fears of being rejected (or your products rejected) by clients.

As you complete each small task, ensuring that they are part of your larger goals, validate each step you took and validate yourself for taking that step. Do this consistently and build small changes and, over time, this will result in a drastically changed perspective that you will have created by practicing changing your way of thinking over time.

You might want to work with a counselor also to help you work through those fears and the root causes.

I wish you any success that you want. I have no doubt you are capable of success as you work through these energies. I applaud your efforts.

HOW DO I HANDLE MY BOYFRIEND ASKING ME FOR HALF MY PAYCHECK?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a new boyfriend and as soon as I get my paycheck, he always asks what I made and asks me for half of it. I don’t feel good about this. How do I handle this?

—Feeling Weird (United States)

DEAR FEELING WEIRD:

Run!

You are feeling weird because your knowingness is aware that this behavior is not right. You deserve much better. It is none of his business at this point how much you make and you don’t need to share your paycheck with him.

HOW DO I HANDLE MY FRIEND THAT DOESN’T GIVE ME GIFTS AS NICE AS I GIVE HER?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have one friend whom I have always treated extremely well. I always give her really expensive gifts to—Gucci purses, designer scarves, hand-blown vases, antiques, and the best organic truffles, monthly gelato subscriptions, or other delectables. She, on the other hand, gives me brownies she made and one time gave me a waffle iron that I believe she re-gifted. I feel like I spend much more than she does and am getting tired of it. Should I talk to her about this? Or drop her as a friend? Or take her off my gift list?

—Fed Up (United States)

DEAR FED UP:

First of all, keep in mind that gift giving is not necessarily a quid pro quo exchange. Give your gifts out of love or, at the very least, as a token of gratitude and appreciation. If you can’t give the gifts without expectations of financially equitable reciprocation, don’t give them. Or give less expensive gifts so you do not feel resentful.

How is your friend’s financial situation? Perhaps she simply doesn’t have the money to buy you gifts that are as expensive as the gifts you give her. Does she bake you brownies because you like chocolate? Does she try to make your life better in other ways than the gifts she gives you? For example, does she always offer an ear to hear your concerns or your good news? Does she try to do things for you to bring a smile to your face or your days just a little easier?

If so, consider the value of those things she does that adds to your life rather than running a tally of how much she is spending on you. Good friends are worth more than all the gold in the world.

HOW DO I STOP OVERSPENDING?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a problem with my spending. I am in debt but cannot seem to stop. I buy things in stores and online that’s I don’t really need and even have multiples of (how many little black dresses does one girl need?) but I am reaching a critical point here. What can I do?

–Digging Myself a Big Hole (United States)

DEAR DIGGING:

You’re starting with the most important thing you can do—asking yourself what you can do!

First, take some time to think about why you’re buying things. What hole in your life are you trying to fill with stuff (physical stuff as well as the distraction and busy-ness of acquiring more things).

Intuitively, I believe you’re an extremely creative person. Are you using your creativity to do what you love (drawing, painting, knitting, sculpting, etc.) or are you diverting your creative energy into creating debt. Keep in mind that as much as you’re able to create debt, that’s how amazingly you can create something else when you direct your energy towards that.

Also, take some time to think about whether you’re distracting yourself from thinking about or looking at other areas in your life. Are you in a relationship that is draining you, for example? If so, are you trying to distract yourself from dealing with the issues in the relationship with shopping?

I applaud your courage in looking at this issue that affects many people. Congratulations on taking the first step towards creating prosperity in your life.

WHERE IS THE LINE BETWEEN CHEAP AND SMART/FRUGAL?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend thinks I’m really cheap. I don’t feel like I’m cheap, just frugal. And that I’m being smart. Where does the line fall between cheap and smart/frugal? Please help us resolve this dispute.

–Flummoxed (United States)

DEAR FLUMMOXED:

That’s a good question and the answer is different for every person and couple. One question to think about: Do you ever skimp on things that would make you or your girlfriend comfortable or your life easier even when you can easily afford them? If so, maybe in that moment, you could be being cheap rather than frugal. If you buy something that’s poorly made that will break soon because you don’t want to shell out money for something that will last even though you could use it, you might be being cheap rather than frugal.

However, if you don’t spend $20-$40 bucks on a dozen roses because you’d rather buy a rosebush to plant that will bear flowers for years, you’re probably being frugal/smart rather than cheap. This is an analogy, of course, but you get the idea.

 

IS IT BETTER TO START A BUSINESS ALONE OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Do you think it’s better to start a business alone or with someone else?

–Beginning Entrepreneur (Brazil)

DEAR ENTREPRENEUR:

Whether you should do a business alone or with a partner has a lot to do with your personality and how you work best.

Also, if you pick a partner, picking the right match for you is paramount. It must be someone who is compatible with your working style, someone trustworthy, someone who has skills you don’t have who can complement your skill set, etc. If you start a business with someone, it must be the right person for it to work.

Keep in mind that, no matter how ideal your business partner is, running a business alone or together will force both of you to look at all kinds of issues within yourself as you’re creating this time. Learn these lessons willingly before you’re forced to look at them the hard way.

Also, no matter how great a match that business partner is for you, it is important for you both to sit down and clarify your expectations of each other, delineate responsibilities, and decide how you would divvy the assets and profits in every possible circumstance and outcome up front so there is no quibbling over the details later. All this should be in writing so there is no confusion over the two of you remembering things differently, etc. Plus writing everything out will force both of you to really plan everything out ahead of time and think about potential outcomes and scenarios.

Check into available resources such as www.entrepreneur.com or your Chamber of Commerce or other business organizations for more information.

 

IS IT BETTER TO BUY A RENT A HOME?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Is it better to buy a house or to rent? I think we should rent until we’re more financially stable but my wife would really like to a buy a place and this is causing some friction in our marriage.

–Reluctant (United States)

DEAR RELUCTANT:

Whether to buy or rent depends a lot on your particular situation and your long-term goals.

Some things to think about: Buying a place can tie you to a particular area and make it difficult to easily relocate if you have a job opportunity come up in a different state or country.

Waiting till you’re financially stable before buying a home makes good sense in any case. Perhaps you and your wife can sit down and make a budget and a plan if you decide to buy a home. If you both agree on what feels financially secure and comfortable, including price ranges of a place to purchase, monthly mortgage payments, savings needed before purchasing a place, that will help you both be invested in the process of purchasing a place and feel comfortable in the plan you have created together to make that happen.

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH MY FRIEND ALWAYS BORROWING MONEY?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My friend is always short on money, which I don’t understand as she probably makes about the same amount as I do. She’s always borrowing money that she doesn’t pay back. Or sometimes she just “forgets” her wallet. How do I handle this?

–Not an ATM (CANADA)

DEAR NOT AN ATM:

I would address this the next time you and your friend make plans to do something together. Or wait until you are out and it happens again, which sounds like it would probably be the next time you are out together.

I would gently mention to her that she still owes you money and that you do not want to be the one always funding your joint excursions or lending her money that is not paid back. Ask her what is going on in a way that gives her space to be honest and see what happens. At the very least, it will make you feel better by clearing the air and then you can decide where you want to go from there.

NOTE TO READERS: I am offering my annual Celebrate Life special now. It is US$75 for 30 minutes or US$150 for an hour for an intuitive reading, a healing, or a combination of the two. (It is normally US$125 for 30 minutes or US$250 for an hour.) Of course, if you have just a quick question, you can always write it in to Dali Mama at no cost. I also offer free long-distance group healings the first Sunday of each month, in which case you’d email me with “FREE GROUP HEALING” in the subject line with your name, address, and healing requests. Email holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com to schedule an appointment or check out www.holdinglightproductions.com to find out more about my work. I can do appointments with you in any location via Skype, phone, or email.

 

 

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