Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you know when it’s really over? I was married to my husband for 37 years and he has asked for a divorce. I don’t feel like it’s really over but how can I know for sure? Maybe I am in denial.

—In Disbelief (Canada)

DEAR I.D.:

Congratulations for looking at this matter to get to the truth of the situation. Did you and your husband go to couples’ counseling at all? If not, is he open to trying to work on the marriage before going through with a divorce? If he wants the marriage to work and is willing to try, there may still be hope. If he is not willing to try or to go to counseling, he has likely already checked out of the marriage and perhaps it is best to take the lessons of your history together, learn from them to create a better life for yourself, and assume it is over. If he doesn’t really care about the marriage anymore, it is time to move on.

If it is over, take time to think about how you want your life to be moving forward. Your future is full of possibilities. Practice loving yourself and discovering who you are outside of the context of the old relationship.

I wish you much love on your journey, my friend. No matter what, you have the gift of a fresh start. Make the most of it.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband always does everything for his mom, who lives five minutes away. I feel like it’s excessive as our time together is limited and there are plenty of things to do around here that he’s not taking care of while he is helping his mother with household chores like shoveling the snow or mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters. Help!

—Married to a Mama’s Boy (United States)

DEAR MARRIED:

I can see why this situation would be frustrating for you but validate that you are married to a good man who takes good care of his mother.

Is your mother-in-law elderly or physically or financially limited? In any case, it’s probably best she’s not up on a ladder or outside in the dead of winter shoveling snow. Is there any way you all could achieve more of a balance so you all could attend to the needs of your household while still helping your mother-in-law? The intention to make sure she’s got everything she needs is great—it just needs to be balanced with you and your husband making sure you both have what you need.

This is a great opportunity to think outside of the box. Can she have someone come to help her once a week with odd jobs? Maybe you could even get someone to come help at your own home once a week. Perhaps a handyman/woman would give you a deal if you get regular help at both homes since you live close to each other. Or is there someone you trust that could live with her that could chip in for utilities and help with tasks around the house?

Sometimes too people may ask their kids or others for help not just because they need help but because they are lonely and want to see them. Could this be part of the dynamic in your situation? If so, perhaps you could institute a regular evening once or twice a week where she can come over or you all go over there and you could all have quality time together. Or your husband could have one evening a week with her while you use that time to explore a class you always wanted to take or to go out and catch up with friends.

Some go even further and look for living accommodations together—perhaps a house with a separate mother-in-law suite? It’s a lot easier and less expensive to pool resources together and then you all would only have to maintain one property rather than two separate properties.

Think about what you really want and what would make you happy and then sit down with your husband to figure out how you can get your needs met, including couple time together. No doubt he is probably stressed as well trying to maintain both your home and his mother’s. Even maintaining just one home can be a lot of work!

I have no doubt you will be able to figure out a plan that works for everyone! Kudos to you for looking at figuring out a positive solution.

My friend turned me onto this song, which I love so much our band is covering it.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am something of a hoarder. I can’t seem to let go of things that have accumulated over the years and my house looks like a warehouse. What can I do to let go?

—Drowning in Junk (United States)

DEAR D.I.J.:

Congratulations because you have succeeded in the most important factors in the first step towards change—awareness of the current situation and a desire for change.

First, know that you are certainly not alone in your situation. The United States and other countries are full of hoarders with homes full of junk.

Second, you might want to hold off on any purchases that you don’t absolutely need (perhaps just sticking to groceries or other necessities), at least for a set amount of time that you decide upon. Temporarily halting the inflow will give you more space and energy for dealing with the outflow of what you no longer need.

Next, one of the things that can be overwhelming (even more so than the actual stuff) is the energy in all of your belongings. Stuff can hold energy and meanings you and others attached to each item. Gifts from people can also hold their energy or their hopes for you. Try imagining putting a big grounding cord on your home and ground the energy of your home and every single item that is in your home. This grounding cord may look like the trunk and roots of a tree or a big sewage pipe or whatever you want. The main thing is that you’re using this grounding cord to help you release any energy held in your home and your possessions that no longer belong. Doing this before you try to organize will help make the actual disposal and organization of objects easier.

Keep in mind: the table is not your mother. The bookshelf is not your father. Allow yourself to rid yourself of anything that doesn’t truly serve or fit you any longer. The lamp your friend gave you is not your friend! You are not throwing away people or their kind intentions by getting rid of stuff. You are creating the life that they would have wanted for you and that you deserve.

Also, as you’re decluttering, think about the energy that made you accumulate all the stuff in the first place? Was it lack? Fear of not having enough? Perhaps a way to distract yourself from looking at what you needed to look at? A subconscious way to keep others at a distance? A little awareness as to the cause of the hoarding will go a long way towards change.

Next, set up a trash bin, a recycling bin, and a donation bin. Do an initial sweep and start with whatever areas or items are easiest for you. For example, perhaps you could go through the house and get rid of anything that is obviously trash—expired medications, clothes that are stained or overly worn or that don’t fit, expired food or spices, or old newspapers and magazines, putting them in the appropriate bins. Break your decluttering sessions into short, manageable chunks.

You might also want to check out Mari Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Kondo has a lot of great ideas and reading it will help you get more into the decluttering mindset to make your home a joy to be in and a home for you rather than a warehouse for a bunch of stuff.

Once you have dealt with anything you can easily handle, call in some help—a professional organizer and perhaps a counselor that specializes in hoarding.

I commend you on starting this journey in making your home a place that honors and nurtures you, dear one.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have endometriosis and sex is so uncomfortable because of this that I don’t want to have sex. Do you have any recommendations?

—Uncomfortable (Japan)

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE:

On an energetic level, it might be helpful to get your second-chakra energy moving, stoking the female sexual and creative energy. Do this by doing creative projects (whatever tickles your fancy that you love, whether it is knitting or painting or singing or poetry or something else entirely) and by getting your sexual energy moving with or without a partner.

You might want to check out modalities such as orgasmic meditation (OM) to get the energy moving without discomfort. Classes on OM are available, but here’s a little information about the logistics of what you can expect: https://onetaste.us/container.

On a physical level, experiment with different positions (after extended foreplay) to see if intercourse is gradually getting more comfortable. Try, for example, the coital alignment technique (http://www.newhealthadvisor.com/coital-alignment-technique.html). Also, try the snake position (http://www.mensfitness.com/women/sex-tips/5-sex-positions-women-secretly-crave).

As with any medical condition, make an appointment with your doctor. You might want to ask him/her about complementary treatments such as acupuncture as well.

For additional information on endometriosis, here are some links you may find helpful:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/why-sex-hurts-with-endometriosis.aspx

https://www.womentowomen.com/sex-fertility/endometriosis-start-with-a-natural-approach/

https://www.verywell.com/natural-treatments-for-endometriosis-89275

http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/painful-intercourse/

I wish you much comfort and pleasure and connection on your healing journey.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Is it true that all desire leads to suffering?

—G.H. (United States)

DEAR G.H.:

Desire in itself doesn’t necessarily have to lead to suffering, although the attachment to what one desires certainly may. We can use desire as a way to point to what we need to create more space for in our lives. For example, you may go see someone perform and feel that desire to learn an instrument well up inside of your heart. In that case, your desire might be pointing you in a direction you may want to explore.

On the other hand, when we let desire grow into a seed of discontent and then into a false belief that you are lacking without whatever it is that you desire or that you are somehow separate from what you desire (“I need that fancy car to be happy”), or that you need that thing or person in order to be happy (“I will never be happy again now that that we have broken up”), or that we try to prolong the relationship with whatever it is that you desire (“I met someone wonderful and we had such a great conversation—if only we could have had more time than that or something more substantial than that one conversation”), or if you believe any consumerist programming that what you have is not enough (“I was so happy with my iphone 5 but now I cannot be happy unless I have the newest iPhone” or “I was happy with my husband but now that he has lost his great job, I am no longer happy”), it can lead to great suffering.

It’s all part of the great dance and journey of being human, isn’t it? Allowing ourselves to be present in each moment and enjoying what we have and are right now….

I have a feeling you are on a path strewn with miracles seen and unseen, with the things you are thinking about.

Much gratitude for you and your question.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How does a baby choose which parents to stay with and whom to leave even before they are born?

—Wondering (India)

DEAR WONDERING:

This is a great question and a complex one with many variables. Generally speaking, the souls of babies to be born often have soul agreements with their parents before they are even born. Oftentimes (but not always), the babies have had other lifetimes with the parents in various iterations. For example, maybe that baby conceived or born to a mother was the mother’s parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or even enemy in a different lifetime.

Whatever the past history, the baby’s soul has an agreement with the parents to help each other with certain gifts and lessons. For example, perhaps that baby wants to come in during this particular lifetime to learn music. Perhaps the soul might choose parents with musical talent and knowledge so as to grow in an environment that fosters those gifts he/she wants to develop.

Conversely, maybe a soul wants to come into a lifetime to learn about certain challenges. Sometimes we wonder why horrible things happen such as when children are abused by their own parents. Perhaps in some of those cases, the baby’s soul came in wanting to experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of parental abuse or came in wanting to learn how to grow strong and beautiful despite horrors experienced at home so they can better understand how to help other children in those situations in this or another lifetime. In those cases, it was also an opportunity for the abusive parents to learn the consequences of abusing a child and as a gateway to change to learn how to become a more loving parent and human being.

To answer the second part of your question, how does a baby choose whom to leave before they are even born? In cases such as miscarriage, sometimes a baby spirit comes in to simply experience the delight of being together with the mother and family in the physical for just a little while, without needing to go the distance of being born and raised by that mother and family.

In some cases, I have seen baby spirits come in and leave to help the mother release any energies that she needs to let go of in order to have a child or as a catalyst to create a certain kind of life for herself and/or for the child. In some cases, I have seen the same baby spirit come in a few times and not stick around the first couple times in order to help the mother get to a certain energetic vibration where the baby could stay. This is often a traumatic and painful experience for the mother but sometimes that trauma helped the mother let go of old (often unrelated) grief or other energies in order to make certain changes in her life. This may be part of the mother and the baby spirit’s particular spirit agreement with each other.

A lot to think about. Much love, my friend.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend always insists on cooking and never lets me cook. I used to work as a cook in a four-star restaurant. It’s how I blow off steam. How do I get back in the kitchen?

—Getting Pissed (United States)

DEAR G.P.:

Have you asked your girlfriend why she insists on cooking? Find out why she insists on doing all the cooking. If you live with her, sometimes people can get territorial about the kitchen or even about their supposed gender roles (if you are male) and related responsibilities.

Whatever the reason for her behavior, it’s just as much your right to cook, particularly if it’s in your own (or shared) residence. Suggest working out a schedule and divvy your shared meals in half—half of the meals cooked by her and half by you.

Oh, and the two of you should feel free to invite me for dinner anytime. Ha ha!

Bon appétit!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you completely dedicate your time in doing what you love, even though you know people around will have expectations from you? But since you get to live only once in the end, why can’t you live for yourself?

—Trying (India)

DEAR TRYING:

People will have always have expectations of you and others, but that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to fulfill all of their expectations. No matter how much you excel, whether you’ve found the cure for cancer or won the Pulitzer, certain people may criticize you for buying a cake from the supermarket and not making a pie for the bake sale yourself—haha!

Keep in mind that even the saints have a history of being excommunicated or kicked out of school or disapproved of, which just goes to show you can do all kinds of good things in the world and there will always be someone who is there to criticize. Ultimately, the most important thing is making sure that you have your basic needs met (time to sleep and exercise and attend to your basic needs).

Beyond that, it might helpful to think about your top priorities. For some, as just an example, that might include family, career, and some project that is important to them, whether that is a particular passion project or volunteering for a good cause, learning an instrument, or working towards their biggest life goal.

Whatever those top priorities are for you, it is up to you to carve out time for those, even if it is just half an hour a day, towards making your dreams a reality. Likewise, it is also up to you to say no to things that do not contribute to your biggest priorities, or to find shortcuts or help managing your responsibilities. What things do you think you have to do that you don’t really have to do? Do you have a partner or family or a friend who can lighten your load? If so, ask them for help and let yourself receive it.

Please live your life for your happiness and fulfillment, my friend.