Ask Dali Mama

SUNDAY SHARE: THE MOVIE SULLY

Love the movie Sully, based on real-life hero Chesley Sullenberger. The movie stars Tom Hanks, Aaron Eckhart, and Laura Linney. Directed by Clint Eastwood and written by Todd Komarnicki and Chesley Sullenberger.

I won’t say too much about the movie so I don’t ruin the story for you, but Sully was extremely inspiring in his ability to be in his power, stay in touch with his intuition, and be proactive despite any challenges he faced.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3263904/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I like this girl a lot and have taken her on four dates but her sister is always coming along. Why? Can I ask her to leave her sister at home?

—Three is a Crowd (Canada)

DEAR THREE:

You might want to simply ask the girl why she always brings her sister. I don’t know how old your date is, but perhaps she is responsible for babysitting her sister, or perhaps her parents might be cleverly sending along a younger chaperone. Haha. You also might want to, just in case, clarify that you are asking her on a date just in case she thinks you are inviting her out as a friend.

Perhaps one strategy would be to simply say, “I’d really like to take you on an official date, just the two of us,” and see what she says.

Best of luck, my friend.

It’s so amazing what humans can do at any age, whether you’re four or you’re 100 years old!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/27/art-prodigies_n_1699565.html

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I work for myself and am building my income. My problem is that when I go out with my friends whom I’ve always hung out with before from when I was working full-time, they always split the check by the number of people even though they order multiple drinks and appetizers and dessert and I only get an entree and maybe one drink but then they expect me to pay the same as them so I am essentially financing much of their bill. I hate to be petty but this is hard for me right now with a limited budget. How do I handle that without seeming like a jerk?

—Feeling Awkward (United States)

DEAR FEELING:

One thing you could do to be proactive is to ask for a separate check when you’re ordering and you let your friends know you’re handling financial stuff in a new way because you’re working for yourself now. Anyone who is truly your friend should understand and be fine with it.

If you feel comfortable with it, they’ll probably be fine with it. If you’re emanating awkwardness and embarrassment about it, they might pick up on it and might feel weird about it too as a reflection of what you’re feeling.

Give it a try and see how it goes. And congratulations on experimenting with new ways that work for your new life!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My friend is a bombshell and is smart and talented and employed and also goes for the worst kinds of guys. Plural on both counts. Many wonderful men ask her out and she always ignores them. I am sick and tired of listening to her cry and complain about her own self-created drama but what kind of friend would I be if I ignore her in her times of crises (plural)? I have tried to warn her about some of the men but she never listens. What do you advise someone who is trying to be a good friend to her friend who makes questionable choices?

—Bewildered in Brazil

DEAR BEWILDERED:

She’s lucky to have you as a friend. As she obviously doesn’t listen to what you tell her, I would simply ask her various questions along the process of her picking out unsuitable men. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t go out with that guy. He has a reputation for using women,” ask a series of questions.

For example, the dialogue might go something like this:

Friend: “I really like [User Guy].”

You: “I heard he tends to use women. What is it about him that attracts you?”

Friend: “He’s so sexy [or cute or funny or whatever].”

You: “What about him do you feel is sexy [or cute or funny or whatever] as opposed to [Guy That Treats Women Well]?” or “Why do you think you are interested in him even though we’ve both heard a lot about how he hasn’t treated his past girlfriends well, do you think?”

I suggest asking her questions that make her think rather than trying to tell her what to do or how to think or whom to love. Ultimately, recognize you have no real say or control over what she does.

It can be very difficult for us when we see people we love making bad choices and then living the consequences, even more so when we know we will be helping pick up the pieces. However, recognize that she is creating the situation out of her soul’s desire to learn things such as discernment and what the consequences of one’s choices can look like.

It is up to you to set boundaries on what you can do to help and support her. When you see her continually making poor choices, it is not your responsibility to stay up with her on the phone comforting her every night till 3 a.m., for example. Decide what you can do without hurting yourself or draining you and stick to those boundaries while doing what you can.

Bless you. May all your kindness and support come back to you a millionfold.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend of seven years just broke up with me. He says he loves me but not that way. Should I try to change his mind? Is it possible to and if so, how do I make him come back to me? I really thought we’d get married someday. I still love him and he is my best friend too.

—Hurting (United States)

DEAR H.:

As painful as this time must be for you, do not try to change his mind. You love him and so let him go to pursue the kind of relationship he wants. As he loves you too, perhaps walking away at this point is the kindest thing he could have possibly done for you—rather than to let things drag on knowing he does not love you in the way you deserve and that he is making space for you to meet someone who wants to marry you since that seems to be something you want. He can still be your good friend but perhaps it would be best for both of you to take time apart to establish new routines for yourselves and to make space for new relationships down the road.

Use this time to practice being your own best friends and loving yourself and rediscovering who you are now outside of the context of this relationship. You may be quite delighted at what you find and it will serve you well in building a future that fits the person that you are now.

Much love.

I love artist Julie Maren’s work. It is full of whimsy, spirit, color, light, and form. Her work ranges from large-scale installations made from recycled and repurposed paintings to sculpture and carvings to large-scale ceramics to paintings and much more. Please check out her website at https://www.juliemaren.com to see for yourself.