HOW DO I GET GUYS TO ASK ME OUT MORE?

How can I get guys to ask me out more?

—Wilting Wallflower (Canada)

DEAR W.W.:

If you want to get to know somebody, maybe you could take the initiative and invite them for coffee or something casual.

Notice too how you’re coming across to people. Perhaps you may want to meet people, but do you give off vibes through body language or other means that keep people away (avoiding eye contact or crossing your arms, for example). You might want to ask a couple close friends that have good people skills what they notice about what kind of signals you’re putting out, and let your signals match your intention by having as much fun as possible as you get to know various people, whether romantic possibilities or just generally cool people.

Enjoy!

WHY DO I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE SAME TYPE OF “BAD GUY”?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Why do I always choose the same type of “bad guy”? I do know better and I even recognize them but somehow I always ignore the good ones and go straight for the bad ones. What is wrong with me?

—Woman with Blinders On (United States)

DEAR WOMAN W.B.O.:

The fact that you’re asking this means that perhaps you’re one step closer to ditching the blinders! Notice any energies in you that make you choose a “bad guy.” Are they more exciting to you? Do you feel more special that you can secure a “bad guy”? Do you feel that, on some level, a “bad guy” is all you deserve? Are you worried that you will hurt a good guy if you are in a relationship with one, or that they will somehow be disappointed in you or by you once they get to know you? You might want to examine this through meditation and journaling and then go out into the dating world armed with your self-awareness and make conscious choices to go against past habits and to try dating some good guys. Notice what comes up in you as you’re dating a good guy. Are you wanting to sabotage the relationship? Does fear come up? The more you can be conscious of these energies, the more you can consciously make choices that are for your highest good.

Congratulations on your courage to look at these energies and to make a change in your life!

WHY DO MY RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been on so many dates—women I’ve met online, through friends, at the grocery store, whatever. It always goes only so far—maybe a few dates, maybe two months at the most, but they all disappear suddenly, often without any explanation. How do I figure out what went wrong? I pay for the coffee, the lunch, the dinner, whatever. I act like a gentleman. Is it something wrong with me? How do I find out why nothing ever lasts?

–Throwing in the Towel (United States)

DEAR THROWING:

Please don’t throw in the towel just yet, my friend. It sounds like you’re a good guy and, believe me, I’m sure there are many women out there looking for a guy like you.

Sometimes people (especially women, because sometimes they’re trained culturally to avoid confrontation or anything that could be unpleasant) may just get a sense it’s not a good match for them and would rather disappear or fade quietly into the background rather than speak up, which makes it hard for the other person who might be left wondering what went wrong.

Don’t take it personally. Meeting the “right” person takes time and experimentation. Sometimes I think it even just boils down to pheromones. Pheromones and karmic agreements. Because your pheromones don’t match someone’s else’s biological coding, that doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with you. It’s just not a good match for whatever reason. Likewise, maybe a person mocked up having a relationship where they could learn certain types of lessons and you’re not the best match for each other that way, although of course that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you.

By all means, ask for some feedback from your female friends and see if they have any pointers for you but ultimately do whatever feels right to you. And maybe experiment against type. If you’ve always gone for a certain type of women, try hanging out and going out on a date with another type of women and see if anything clicks.

Keep heart, my friend. Someone’s looking for you.

 

WHAT CAUSES LOW LIBIDO IN WOMEN AND HOW DO I BOOST MY LIBIDO?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a woman in her mid-40s and I feel my libido is low. It’s been that way for some time. What can cause this and how do I boost my libido?

–Low Libido (Canada)

DEAR LOW LIBIDO:

First, check with your doctor. He or she might want to do some tests, including a hormone test, which can affect your libido. If your low libido has medical causes, there are always allopathic or naturopathic treatments you can try.

Also, I recommend you do more activities to foster passion in your life. If time flies when you’re painting, take a painting class. If you get an adrenal rush performing, try doing music or comedy at open-mic night at your local café. Do something that feels a little scary but fun.

If you are single, go meet new people. You can meet nice folks in groups through places like Meetup.com. Meeting new and interesting people can reawaken your spark, even if it is simply making new platonic friends. It’s also important to rev up your sexual energy to get it flowing more. Perhaps you could find some tasteful erotic literature or movies to get the energy moving. You might want to also invest in a vibrator and use it every day, even if you’re not that into it at first. It’ll at least start to get the energy moving gradually in your sexual space. The more you feed your sexual energy and space, the stronger it’ll get.

If you are in a relationship, try spicing things up together. Go out like you’re on a first date and flirt madly with each other and make each other laugh, forbidding each other to talk about the groceries or the laundry or the kids or the car needing a tune-up. Tell each other what you find sexy about each other. Maybe even go on a double-date with some new friends and see things about your partner from fresh eyes and remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is a wonderful woman but I feel so bored with my life and with my marriage. How do I know when it is time to go?

–Trying (United States)

DEAR TRYING:

Well, first you might want to have a conversation with her and maybe try couples counseling. If you’re feeling bored with your marriage, it’s quite likely she might be feeling the same way.

Talk together and see what you can both do to cultivate passion, excitement, and a fresh perspective on your marriage and on each other. Try dating each other too. Do fun things neither of you have done before. Take a class together, visit a new place, or buy a tandem bike that you can ride together to explore new places while staying healthy. You may come to know each other in a whole new way when you give yourselves a chance by giving yourself fresh situations, new environments, and novel stuff to do and discuss together. You both have probably evolved in ways you don’t even recognize and this is a great chance to get to know your new selves with fresh eyes.

Also, keep in mind that when you were first dating, you worked to get to know each other and you made plans to do fun things together. That’s got to continue. Every relationship needs work to maintain it and to help it grow and thrive.

Finally, if you feel bored with your life, you’ve got to start by addressing that. Once you feel stimulated in your own life (your hobbies, interests, learning new things, pursuing your dreams), that stimulation and enthusiasm will likely spread into your marriage.

I wish you much enjoyment of the rediscovery of both who you are and who your wife is and who you are as a couple in the present moment.

WHAT SUGGESTIONS DO YOU HAVE FOR SOMEONE WITH HERPES THAT IS AFRAID NO ONE WILL WANT TO BE WITH HER?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have herpes, which I got from my ex, and I have been single a few years and I am afraid no one will want to be with me because of the herpes so I haven’t even gone on any dates since we broke up. What do you advise?

–Lonely (United States)

DEAR LONELY:

I believe that there is always love for everyone. It is part of our divine right when we are open to being loved and to loving. One thing you might want to consider is looking for online social groups. The Internet has a million groups all over the world for people of all interests—people who like to hike, foodies, people who are interested in film, and also people who have herpes. Maybe you would feel more comfortable starting out by joining a social club with others in your area who have herpes. That way you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness of explaining your medical situation to a prospective romantic partner.

I would also continue to meet people and date as you would normally. Take your time in getting to know a prospective partner and, when you start to get close and decide you’d both like to take things further (but well before the heat of the moment), you can let them know about your condition. If they’re the right person for you, they won’t be dissuaded and you can take precautions to protect their health. You might want to check out http://medweb.mit.edu/wellness/programs/herpes.html for further information on herpes and safe sex.

May you love wholeheartedly and be loved wholeheartedly.

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