Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What are some practical tips for getting my mojo running? I’ve been single for years and not feeling very sensual or desirable. I don’t even feel like masturbating but I’d like to awaken my sexual energy. Do you have a few tips for a single woman?

—Feeling Nonsexual (Canada)

Dear F.N.:

Congratulations on taking responsibility for your mojo!

Here are a few suggestions:

• Start by doing things you’re passionate about—whatever you do that makes the time go by instantly! That might be writing or painting or being in nature—whatever floats your boat!
• Get your sexy on. Dress sexy even if you’re hanging out at home—wear soft cloth in silky colors and something that makes you feel beautiful and nurtured.
• Eat sexy. See if there are any ways you can clean up your diet—a healthy diet supports a stronger sex drive. You might also want to try incorporating some aphrodisiac foods such as chocolate or oysters and chili peppers.
• Turn on your mind. Do things that stimulate your mind—learning a new class, joining a Meetup group targeted to one of your interests. They have Meetup groups on everything from speaking Portuguese to films groups to nature walks, and everything else. In addition, you could read erotic literature or watch a sexy movie such as The Piano or Bull Durham or Kama Sutra: A Tale or Love or something that features an actor or actress you find particularly sexy.
• Take a workshop on orgasmic meditation (https://onetaste.us) and go to their weekly circles or play on your own. You might not feel like you’re in the mood at first, especially if you’ve taken a break from sexual activity for a while, but once you prime your body to get your sexual energy running and you get in the habit, it will be much easier for your body to get into that turned-on state.
• Ask your doctor or naturopath to look at your blood chemistry. Ask them to check your hormones and other numbers and factors that might be affecting your libido and see what they suggest.

Have fun, my friend!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband farts incessantly. It’s not woefully odorific (usually) but annoying nevertheless. What say you, Dali Mama?

—Yucked Out (United States)

DEAR Y.O.:

Well, perhaps it’d be more fun for you to be amused rather than to be yucked out. Haha. And thank your lucky stars that his gas isn’t usually too noxious.

Now, as far as dealing with the cause of his flatulence, could he perhaps have food allergies? He might want to keep a log of what he eats and what causes his gas, and then to go consult his doctor with this record in hand. His doctor might want to do an allergy test. Many people are unknowingly allergic to common foods such as wheat or dairy or a combination thereof. These allergies can often cause gas and other symptoms.

You might also want to google causes of flatulence and the two of you could try to avoid gas-causing foods, which may help as well.

Perhaps you could also thank him and thank God that that’s his annoying thing he does versus gambling away your joint savings or cheating and lying about it or any number of alternative transgressions he could have.

Also, as strange as it sounds, that’s the beauty of intimacy between two perfect souls in very human bodies—appreciate the close but sometimes messy intimacy of humans who love and trust each when they are close to each other and living together. If he were gone, you might even miss his inconvenient noises. Cherish even this because this is a part of your current life together.

That being said, I hope you both can enjoy a lot of laughs about this and I hope that perhaps his doctor can help him eliminate the cause of excess gas for his health and comfort and, even then, then it can become a long-distant, funny memory for you two to laugh at together.

P.S. If he is embarrassed about his constant farting, maybe you could be silently amused while having compassion. We’ve all been “betrayed” by our bodies doing their jobs at some point (whether it is gas or a tampon leaking) and we know how it feels to be embarrassed. If he doesn’t want to make a joke of it together, just keep going about your business and don’t let his farting bother you too much. Just enjoy the other gifts of your life together. xoxo

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What is the meaning of life?

—Wondering (Brazil)

DEAR WONDERING:

That is an excellent question, my friend. The fact that you are thinking about this means you are living in a way that will embrace the meaning in your life because it requires thinking about this question to ensure you live a life of deeper meaning than those who don’t stop to wonder about the meaning of life.

I could write the rest of my life on what the meaning of life is (and some have) but here are some basic highlights:

Personally, I believe that part of the meaning of life in general is our eternal quest as humans to understand and live our connection to the Divine and to the oneness of all while appreciating and loving our uniqueness as individuals. I believe it also includes the journey of discovering that we are made of love and that we can create so much when we act from the spirit of divine love–peace, harmony, prosperity, great works of art and technology used to better humankind and all living beings, and much more.

I believe that part of this journey entails different smaller lessons for each of us as individuals or as part of larger groups (cultures, governments, countries, organizations, etc.) that we’re studying and practicing in each lifetime. The wisdom and learning we garner in one lifetime create foundations we can build upon in another lifetime once we have mastered those earlier lessons. For example, this lifetime, I am studying how to express myself as an individual while contributing to the greater whole of society, which includes many specific lessons, including how to get along with large groups of people and how to work together with many.

I wish you peace and joy on your journey of exploring and embracing the meaning of your life.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a workaholic and every area of my life is suffering because of it (my health, my relationships, etc.), but I can’t seem to stop this vicious cycle. How do I stop this?

–Corporate Drone (United States)

DEAR C.D.:

Congratulations on thinking about how to halt this cycle and make a change. That is the first and most important step towards a new kind of life.

Often, people are workaholics (or alcoholics or drug or sex addicts or hoarders or addicted to video games or movies or any number of things) because they’re trying to fill the void they feel inside themselves when there is any space in their lives—whether that’s a spare moment to really feel their emotions or whether it’s an empty space in their home. Think about if this is the case with you.

What thoughts and emotions start to come up in you when you’re not working? These are the thoughts and emotions it’s important to say hello to and feel and process so you can find another way of living—a life full of the things that truly satisfy you—friendships and love, good health, and time to nurture yourself through rest and relaxation and healthy habits such as exercise.

Also take time to say hello to the fears that goad you into continuing your workaholic lifestyle even when you know it is affecting you negatively. Are you afraid you’ll lose your job if you don’t work all the time? Are you afraid of having the time to really explore who you are and your own unique passions without the barrier to yourself formed by your busy work schedule?

I suggest meeting with a counselor regularly to help you grapple with these complicated issues. Start, too, by making even a short appointment with yourself every day of quality quiet time with yourself when you sit with yourself—no tv, no smartphone, no work. Just you and your spirit. Communicating with your higher self will give you some valuable guidance as well.

I congratulate you on having the courage to address these issues and create the life you want. May you have good health, love, and all the rest that comes with making time for yourself.

Much love.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How to associate financial health and spiritual health? It seems that there is a trouble or difficulties to have both at the same time.

—J.B. (Haiti)

DEAR J.B.:

Are you referring to how some people who are very spiritual sometimes don’t seem to be very rich and sometimes people who are extremely rich don’t always seem to pay attention to their spirituality? I will write the answer accordingly and you can write me again if I am not understanding your question correctly.

It is possibly to be both extremely spiritually and financially healthy. Sometimes, however, people who are focused only a spiritual matters may not be paying attention to financial or other practical matters. Also, sometimes when people pay attention to spiritual matters, they may have a lot of their energy outside of their bodies and thus it is important to ground your energy to keep things balanced. (Email holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com to request a free recording of how to ground your energy if you want more information about this.) Even when you are spiritual, it is important to be balanced and grounded in order to handle both the administrative and financial matters of living as well as attending to your spiritual interests.

In some cases, you may also see people who are very spiritual be carrying around old spirit agreements from past lives. For example, someone who works very hard but can’t seem to make much money may have old vows of poverty they’ve been carrying around from past lives, including lives as nuns or priests.

In the case of people who are extremely wealthy and in great financial health, sometimes the spiritual work they’ve done in this or previous lifetimes has helped them achieve financial health. However, if they haven’t done the work and ignore their spiritual health, you may see them in situations where they eventually lose their money as a way to push themselves to attend to their spiritual health and other important matters.

In all things, balance is important. Thank you for this excellent question, my friend.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you know when it’s really over? I was married to my husband for 37 years and he has asked for a divorce. I don’t feel like it’s really over but how can I know for sure? Maybe I am in denial.

—In Disbelief (Canada)

DEAR I.D.:

Congratulations for looking at this matter to get to the truth of the situation. Did you and your husband go to couples’ counseling at all? If not, is he open to trying to work on the marriage before going through with a divorce? If he wants the marriage to work and is willing to try, there may still be hope. If he is not willing to try or to go to counseling, he has likely already checked out of the marriage and perhaps it is best to take the lessons of your history together, learn from them to create a better life for yourself, and assume it is over. If he doesn’t really care about the marriage anymore, it is time to move on.

If it is over, take time to think about how you want your life to be moving forward. Your future is full of possibilities. Practice loving yourself and discovering who you are outside of the context of the old relationship.

I wish you much love on your journey, my friend. No matter what, you have the gift of a fresh start. Make the most of it.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband always does everything for his mom, who lives five minutes away. I feel like it’s excessive as our time together is limited and there are plenty of things to do around here that he’s not taking care of while he is helping his mother with household chores like shoveling the snow or mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters. Help!

—Married to a Mama’s Boy (United States)

DEAR MARRIED:

I can see why this situation would be frustrating for you but validate that you are married to a good man who takes good care of his mother.

Is your mother-in-law elderly or physically or financially limited? In any case, it’s probably best she’s not up on a ladder or outside in the dead of winter shoveling snow. Is there any way you all could achieve more of a balance so you all could attend to the needs of your household while still helping your mother-in-law? The intention to make sure she’s got everything she needs is great—it just needs to be balanced with you and your husband making sure you both have what you need.

This is a great opportunity to think outside of the box. Can she have someone come to help her once a week with odd jobs? Maybe you could even get someone to come help at your own home once a week. Perhaps a handyman/woman would give you a deal if you get regular help at both homes since you live close to each other. Or is there someone you trust that could live with her that could chip in for utilities and help with tasks around the house?

Sometimes too people may ask their kids or others for help not just because they need help but because they are lonely and want to see them. Could this be part of the dynamic in your situation? If so, perhaps you could institute a regular evening once or twice a week where she can come over or you all go over there and you could all have quality time together. Or your husband could have one evening a week with her while you use that time to explore a class you always wanted to take or to go out and catch up with friends.

Some go even further and look for living accommodations together—perhaps a house with a separate mother-in-law suite? It’s a lot easier and less expensive to pool resources together and then you all would only have to maintain one property rather than two separate properties.

Think about what you really want and what would make you happy and then sit down with your husband to figure out how you can get your needs met, including couple time together. No doubt he is probably stressed as well trying to maintain both your home and his mother’s. Even maintaining just one home can be a lot of work!

I have no doubt you will be able to figure out a plan that works for everyone! Kudos to you for looking at figuring out a positive solution.

My friend turned me onto this song, which I love so much our band is covering it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71U_qjHLM58https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71U_qjHLM58

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am something of a hoarder. I can’t seem to let go of things that have accumulated over the years and my house looks like a warehouse. What can I do to let go?

—Drowning in Junk (United States)

DEAR D.I.J.:

Congratulations because you have succeeded in the most important factors in the first step towards change—awareness of the current situation and a desire for change.

First, know that you are certainly not alone in your situation. The United States and other countries are full of hoarders with homes full of junk.

Second, you might want to hold off on any purchases that you don’t absolutely need (perhaps just sticking to groceries or other necessities), at least for a set amount of time that you decide upon. Temporarily halting the inflow will give you more space and energy for dealing with the outflow of what you no longer need.

Next, one of the things that can be overwhelming (even more so than the actual stuff) is the energy in all of your belongings. Stuff can hold energy and meanings you and others attached to each item. Gifts from people can also hold their energy or their hopes for you. Try imagining putting a big grounding cord on your home and ground the energy of your home and every single item that is in your home. This grounding cord may look like the trunk and roots of a tree or a big sewage pipe or whatever you want. The main thing is that you’re using this grounding cord to help you release any energy held in your home and your possessions that no longer belong. Doing this before you try to organize will help make the actual disposal and organization of objects easier.

Keep in mind: the table is not your mother. The bookshelf is not your father. Allow yourself to rid yourself of anything that doesn’t truly serve or fit you any longer. The lamp your friend gave you is not your friend! You are not throwing away people or their kind intentions by getting rid of stuff. You are creating the life that they would have wanted for you and that you deserve.

Also, as you’re decluttering, think about the energy that made you accumulate all the stuff in the first place? Was it lack? Fear of not having enough? Perhaps a way to distract yourself from looking at what you needed to look at? A subconscious way to keep others at a distance? A little awareness as to the cause of the hoarding will go a long way towards change.

Next, set up a trash bin, a recycling bin, and a donation bin. Do an initial sweep and start with whatever areas or items are easiest for you. For example, perhaps you could go through the house and get rid of anything that is obviously trash—expired medications, clothes that are stained or overly worn or that don’t fit, expired food or spices, or old newspapers and magazines, putting them in the appropriate bins. Break your decluttering sessions into short, manageable chunks.

You might also want to check out Mari Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Kondo has a lot of great ideas and reading it will help you get more into the decluttering mindset to make your home a joy to be in and a home for you rather than a warehouse for a bunch of stuff.

Once you have dealt with anything you can easily handle, call in some help—a professional organizer and perhaps a counselor that specializes in hoarding.

I commend you on starting this journey in making your home a place that honors and nurtures you, dear one.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have endometriosis and sex is so uncomfortable because of this that I don’t want to have sex. Do you have any recommendations?

—Uncomfortable (Japan)

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE:

On an energetic level, it might be helpful to get your second-chakra energy moving, stoking the female sexual and creative energy. Do this by doing creative projects (whatever tickles your fancy that you love, whether it is knitting or painting or singing or poetry or something else entirely) and by getting your sexual energy moving with or without a partner.

You might want to check out modalities such as orgasmic meditation (OM) to get the energy moving without discomfort. Classes on OM are available, but here’s a little information about the logistics of what you can expect: https://onetaste.us/container.

On a physical level, experiment with different positions (after extended foreplay) to see if intercourse is gradually getting more comfortable. Try, for example, the coital alignment technique (http://www.newhealthadvisor.com/coital-alignment-technique.html). Also, try the snake position (http://www.mensfitness.com/women/sex-tips/5-sex-positions-women-secretly-crave).

As with any medical condition, make an appointment with your doctor. You might want to ask him/her about complementary treatments such as acupuncture as well.

For additional information on endometriosis, here are some links you may find helpful:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/why-sex-hurts-with-endometriosis.aspx

https://www.womentowomen.com/sex-fertility/endometriosis-start-with-a-natural-approach/

https://www.verywell.com/natural-treatments-for-endometriosis-89275

http://endometriosis.org/resources/articles/painful-intercourse/

I wish you much comfort and pleasure and connection on your healing journey.