Ask Dali Mama

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Is it true that all desire leads to suffering?

—G.H. (United States)

DEAR G.H.:

Desire in itself doesn’t necessarily have to lead to suffering, although the attachment to what one desires certainly may. We can use desire as a way to point to what we need to create more space for in our lives. For example, you may go see someone perform and feel that desire to learn an instrument well up inside of your heart. In that case, your desire might be pointing you in a direction you may want to explore.

On the other hand, when we let desire grow into a seed of discontent and then into a false belief that you are lacking without whatever it is that you desire or that you are somehow separate from what you desire (“I need that fancy car to be happy”), or that you need that thing or person in order to be happy (“I will never be happy again now that that we have broken up”), or that we try to prolong the relationship with whatever it is that you desire (“I met someone wonderful and we had such a great conversation—if only we could have had more time than that or something more substantial than that one conversation”), or if you believe any consumerist programming that what you have is not enough (“I was so happy with my iphone 5 but now I cannot be happy unless I have the newest iPhone” or “I was happy with my husband but now that he has lost his great job, I am no longer happy”), it can lead to great suffering.

It’s all part of the great dance and journey of being human, isn’t it? Allowing ourselves to be present in each moment and enjoying what we have and are right now….

I have a feeling you are on a path strewn with miracles seen and unseen, with the things you are thinking about.

Much gratitude for you and your question.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How does a baby choose which parents to stay with and whom to leave even before they are born?

—Wondering (India)

DEAR WONDERING:

This is a great question and a complex one with many variables. Generally speaking, the souls of babies to be born often have soul agreements with their parents before they are even born. Oftentimes (but not always), the babies have had other lifetimes with the parents in various iterations. For example, maybe that baby conceived or born to a mother was the mother’s parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or even enemy in a different lifetime.

Whatever the past history, the baby’s soul has an agreement with the parents to help each other with certain gifts and lessons. For example, perhaps that baby wants to come in during this particular lifetime to learn music. Perhaps the soul might choose parents with musical talent and knowledge so as to grow in an environment that fosters those gifts he/she wants to develop.

Conversely, maybe a soul wants to come into a lifetime to learn about certain challenges. Sometimes we wonder why horrible things happen such as when children are abused by their own parents. Perhaps in some of those cases, the baby’s soul came in wanting to experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of parental abuse or came in wanting to learn how to grow strong and beautiful despite horrors experienced at home so they can better understand how to help other children in those situations in this or another lifetime. In those cases, it was also an opportunity for the abusive parents to learn the consequences of abusing a child and as a gateway to change to learn how to become a more loving parent and human being.

To answer the second part of your question, how does a baby choose whom to leave before they are even born? In cases such as miscarriage, sometimes a baby spirit comes in to simply experience the delight of being together with the mother and family in the physical for just a little while, without needing to go the distance of being born and raised by that mother and family.

In some cases, I have seen baby spirits come in and leave to help the mother release any energies that she needs to let go of in order to have a child or as a catalyst to create a certain kind of life for herself and/or for the child. In some cases, I have seen the same baby spirit come in a few times and not stick around the first couple times in order to help the mother get to a certain energetic vibration where the baby could stay. This is often a traumatic and painful experience for the mother but sometimes that trauma helped the mother let go of old (often unrelated) grief or other energies in order to make certain changes in her life. This may be part of the mother and the baby spirit’s particular spirit agreement with each other.

A lot to think about. Much love, my friend.

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My girlfriend always insists on cooking and never lets me cook. I used to work as a cook in a four-star restaurant. It’s how I blow off steam. How do I get back in the kitchen?

—Getting Pissed (United States)

DEAR G.P.:

Have you asked your girlfriend why she insists on cooking? Find out why she insists on doing all the cooking. If you live with her, sometimes people can get territorial about the kitchen or even about their supposed gender roles (if you are male) and related responsibilities.

Whatever the reason for her behavior, it’s just as much your right to cook, particularly if it’s in your own (or shared) residence. Suggest working out a schedule and divvy your shared meals in half—half of the meals cooked by her and half by you.

Oh, and the two of you should feel free to invite me for dinner anytime. Ha ha!

Bon appétit!

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you completely dedicate your time in doing what you love, even though you know people around will have expectations from you? But since you get to live only once in the end, why can’t you live for yourself?

—Trying (India)

DEAR TRYING:

People will have always have expectations of you and others, but that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to fulfill all of their expectations. No matter how much you excel, whether you’ve found the cure for cancer or won the Pulitzer, certain people may criticize you for buying a cake from the supermarket and not making a pie for the bake sale yourself—haha!

Keep in mind that even the saints have a history of being excommunicated or kicked out of school or disapproved of, which just goes to show you can do all kinds of good things in the world and there will always be someone who is there to criticize. Ultimately, the most important thing is making sure that you have your basic needs met (time to sleep and exercise and attend to your basic needs).

Beyond that, it might helpful to think about your top priorities. For some, as just an example, that might include family, career, and some project that is important to them, whether that is a particular passion project or volunteering for a good cause, learning an instrument, or working towards their biggest life goal.

Whatever those top priorities are for you, it is up to you to carve out time for those, even if it is just half an hour a day, towards making your dreams a reality. Likewise, it is also up to you to say no to things that do not contribute to your biggest priorities, or to find shortcuts or help managing your responsibilities. What things do you think you have to do that you don’t really have to do? Do you have a partner or family or a friend who can lighten your load? If so, ask them for help and let yourself receive it.

Please live your life for your happiness and fulfillment, my friend.

Every Sunday I share something cool I love.

Please enjoy Pentatonix’s “Little Drummer Boy”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ_MGWio-vc.