SUNDAY SHARE Aug. 6, 2017 “Paradox of Our Age” by H.H. the XIVth Dalai Lama
06 Aug 2017 Leave a comment
MY GIRLFRIEND WON’T LET ME COOK
05 Aug 2017 Leave a comment
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My girlfriend always insists on cooking and never lets me cook. I used to work as a cook in a four-star restaurant. It’s how I blow off steam. How do I get back in the kitchen?
—Getting Pissed (United States)
DEAR G.P.:
Have you asked your girlfriend why she insists on cooking? Find out why she insists on doing all the cooking. If you live with her, sometimes people can get territorial about the kitchen or even about their supposed gender roles (if you are male) and related responsibilities.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, it’s just as much your right to cook, particularly if it’s in your own (or shared) residence. Suggest working out a schedule and divvy your shared meals in half—half of the meals cooked by her and half by you.
Oh, and the two of you should feel free to invite me for dinner anytime. Ha ha!
Bon appétit!
HOW TO MAKE TIME DOING WHAT I LOVE?
04 Aug 2017 Leave a comment
DEAR DALI MAMA:
How do you completely dedicate your time in doing what you love, even though you know people around will have expectations from you? But since you get to live only once in the end, why can’t you live for yourself?
—Trying (India)
DEAR TRYING:
People will have always have expectations of you and others, but that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to fulfill all of their expectations. No matter how much you excel, whether you’ve found the cure for cancer or won the Pulitzer, certain people may criticize you for buying a cake from the supermarket and not making a pie for the bake sale yourself—haha!
Keep in mind that even the saints have a history of being excommunicated or kicked out of school or disapproved of, which just goes to show you can do all kinds of good things in the world and there will always be someone who is there to criticize. Ultimately, the most important thing is making sure that you have your basic needs met (time to sleep and exercise and attend to your basic needs).
Beyond that, it might helpful to think about your top priorities. For some, as just an example, that might include family, career, and some project that is important to them, whether that is a particular passion project or volunteering for a good cause, learning an instrument, or working towards their biggest life goal.
Whatever those top priorities are for you, it is up to you to carve out time for those, even if it is just half an hour a day, towards making your dreams a reality. Likewise, it is also up to you to say no to things that do not contribute to your biggest priorities, or to find shortcuts or help managing your responsibilities. What things do you think you have to do that you don’t really have to do? Do you have a partner or family or a friend who can lighten your load? If so, ask them for help and let yourself receive it.
Please live your life for your happiness and fulfillment, my friend.
HOW DO I COMPETE WITH MY BOYFRIEND’S DEAD WIFE?
03 Aug 2017 Leave a comment
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have been dating a widower for three months. His wife died of cancer and he took care of her for years when she was very sick and dying. How do I compete with her memory?
—COMPETING WITH A GHOST (U.K.)
DEAR COMPETING:
It sounds like your boyfriend has a big heart because he lovingly cared for his wife when he was sick. Don’t you think a man like that has love enough for both of you? I don’t think it’s necessary for you to compete at all. Of course he will always love his wife but does that mean he can’t love you or that you are less than someone else?
It’s important, though, for you to recognize that you are worthy of his love and for you to use your energy loving him and allowing yourself to be loved rather than competing with the memory of someone who probably would be happy her husband found someone kind after her passing.
Enjoy this time with this man and have fun.
HOW DO I STOP MY EX’S INVOLVEMENT WITH MY PARENTS?
02 Aug 2017 1 Comment
in Family, Love & Relationships
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My ex is still enmeshed with my parents even though we have been broken up for 2 ½ years and no longer talk. I feel like he ingratiates himself with my parents. My parents often tell me how he’s doing and what he is up to. How can I stop this? It’s very annoying.
—Not Grinning and Bearing It (United States)
DEAR NOT GRINNING:
Since you no longer talk to your ex, is it possible to be happy that your parents have one more person in their lives that loves them? If it annoys you to hear about him, ask your parents to stop mentioning him. If they continue to bring him up, try switching subjects to a topic you’re more excited to talk about whenever his name comes up.
Savor the positive anytime you can. Much love.
HOW DO I GET MY WIFE TO GO ON FAMILY VACATIONS?
01 Aug 2017 Leave a comment
in Family, Uncategorized
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My wife of 11 years does not want to go on family vacations with my parents. We have three kids and my grandparents live in a different state. My parents are in their seventies and time is precious and I think we should all make the most of our time together as we both get just two weeks of vacation time per year. How can I make her want to come along?
—Fed Up (United States)
DEAR FED UP:
You don’t mention why your wife doesn’t want to go on the family vacations. Have you asked her and tried to communicate with each other and figure out what would work best for her and everyone else?
If she is simply exhausted and needs time to herself, maybe she could stay home this year and let your parents enjoy more time with the kids and you.
If she gets stressed or doesn’t get along with your parents, make a plan that would minimize the stress or that will give her time off on her own even if she decides to come along.
That being said, you can’t make her want to come along per se but you can look at what she needs and wants and see if there’s a way to make sure she gets it should she go along or, if not, give her some alone time and maybe she’ll be able to join you all wholeheartedly next time.
“Happy wife, happy life,” the saying goes. Sometimes we all just need a little down time so we’re able to show up 100% for the things we need to do.
HOW CAN I GET ALONG WITH MY MOTHER?
31 Jul 2017 Leave a comment
in Family, Uncategorized
What I would like advice on and what’s annoying me about myself is that I tend to validate my mother on stupid things she says to avoid conflict and keep the peace. As conflict with her takes weeks of bitterness on her side to then live through and turn around.
How can I come more into my power yet not validate every single small, stupid comment she makes without incurring her illogical wrath??
—V.J. (Ireland)
DEAR V.J.,
Congratulations on at looking at this difficult situation with consciousness, awareness, and a proactive approach. Congratulations also on being aware of your part in the situation and your ability to make a change to improve the relationship with your mother.
You ask a great question. As difficult as it can sometimes be, the smoothest way through the situation is to not let yourself get sucked into the old pattern of toxic dynamics and old roles and outworn patterns of relating with one another. Because this dynamic has developed and been reinforced over decades, it will likely take time to retrain yourself (and your mother) to behave in a healthier manner than in the past.
Often people who treat others poorly are themselves unhappy and often feel powerless. Keep this in mind as you interact with her.
Practice being in the energy of love, particularly before and while you are with her. When she is especially trying, in your heart, thank her for your existence and for making you the person you are today. Keep this in your heart as you respond to her and try to repeat things back to her neutrally so that she feels heard without you having to resist or defend yourself against invalidating comments or energies.
For example, when she says, “I’m always having to clean up after everyone,” you can respond by saying, “I hear you saying you feel you always have to clean up after everyone.” If there are ways you can help, you can—for example, help a little more around the house. If it’s an unfounded complaint, simply repeat what she said in as neutral a manner as possible, and go about your business without engaging in the discussion other than that. Keep doing this as best as you can. Over time, if you keep staying neutral while repeating back to her what she says, it will gradually start to break the old toxic cycles as you move towards being able to move out when possible.
Keep heart, my friend.
HOW DO I GIVE MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND AN ORGASM?
26 Jan 2015 Leave a comment
in Sex Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, cuddling, dali mama, difficulty giving girlfriend an orgasm, intimacy games, massage, masturbation, orgasm, sex games, sexual dysfunction, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have been with my girlfriend for three months and I have never made her come. Not even once. I know she’s had orgasms before so I’m thinking it’s just me. I was able to please my previous girlfriends. I don’t know really what’s going on. Any thoughts?
–Losing Confidence (United States)
DEAR L. C.:
Let me start out by saying you have the most important quality of a good lover—desire to please your partner.
You might want to ask her (sometime when you’re not in bed or just about to be in bed) open questions such as “Is there anything you’d like me to do in particular to please you?” and see what she says. You could mention you’re happy to know what she likes and how she likes it and to experiment.
Perhaps you could start by playing and exploring together. Maybe you could play a game where you try different kinds of types of touches on her with your fingers and tongue (gentle, stroking, light, firmer but gentle pressure, circles, etc.) for a couple minutes and have her give feedback on how that feels. Start touching her even just on her back or her arm or her legs and see what feels good. Then you can move to other areas if it feels comfortable to both of you. Keep getting feedback on how she feels. This will help you both explore together what feels good and also develop a space of trust and openness in your sexual space together. You could even take turns and alternate, drawing circles or writing simple messages on each other’s backs or arms with your fingers like “beautiful eyes” or “strong arms” while the other guesses what you wrote, for example. And you can choose to take it from there or even just have a session where you do nothing but writing messages with your fingers on each other’s arms or holding each other in bed and massaging each other’s backs lightly.
It’s important to create a space where there’s no pressure on either of you—pressure on her to have an orgasm or pressure on you to “give” her one. That will help as well. When either of you feel pressure to perform, it will make it more difficult for her to relax and enjoy herself and let loose.
Another thing you could try eventually is (if she feels comfortable) to have her masturbate and please herself and you can watch and notice how she likes to be touched and try to do the same moves. Again, you can make a game of it and make it fun and exploratory. You could also ask her to guide your hands where she wants them and to help you know how to please her. Play with these things and explore together.
Keep in mind, too, that there are a number of factors that could affect her ability to have an orgasm with you that are completely unrelated to you—prescription or other drugs, health conditions including hormonal imbalances, even being able to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship, and more. Communicate openly and explore together and, most of all, have fun with the process.
HOW DO I GET RID OF MY SEX ADDICTION?
21 Jan 2015 1 Comment
in Sex Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, sex addict, sex addiction, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a sex addict and have been in and out of programs numerous times, with no lasting results. How do I stop this? I am surrounded by temptations and see no way out, barring finding a cave in the desert or finding an island in the middle of nowhere.
–Addicted (Brazil)
DEAR ADDICTED:
I applaud that you continue to take steps to conquer your addiction, which is the most important factor in recovery.
I recommend you go into therapy in addition to group work, perhaps something like https://saa-recovery.org. Also, whenever you refrain from making a choice born out of sex addiction, don’t look at your refraining from risky sexual behavior that is not aligned in your highest good like you’re missing out on something; look at that choice as giving yourself a foundation you’re entitled to, such as a foundation of trust for a loving sexual relationship or the maintenance and healthy building of a love relationship you’re already in.
TODAY’S SUNDAY SHARE: POLE DANCER SHARING WHAT SHE’S GOT
18 Jan 2015 Leave a comment
in Sunday's Share Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, body image, body pride, curvy girls, curvy women, dali mama, pole dancing, spiritual advice column, sunday share
On Sundays, I share cool things I’ve come across.
Love this woman who owns what’s she’s great at and doesn’t try to shrink herself down energetically to fit anybody else’s expectations:
HOW DO I ENSURE MY KIDS AND I CAN SPEND TIME WITH MY PARENTS AS WELL AS WITH MY IN-LAWS?
17 Jan 2015 Leave a comment
in Family Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, connecting with family, dali mama, family, family vacations, scheduling vacations with both sides of the family, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My mother-in-law recently passed away. Now that she’s gone, my husband’s aunts have really reached out to us, and have expressed more love and caring towards me than I’ve ever experienced in all the years my husband and I have been married.
While it feels nice to experience this, I also worry that my parents will get left out even more. My husband’s family has never really included my parents/family as part of their family, and more and more it seems my husband’s family has gotten priority for visits, etc, due to my husband’s parents getting ill, etc. Since we live out of state from both sides of our families, and they live on opposite sides of the country, our vacations are often spent traveling to see one of our families.
My parents are not getting any younger, and have started having age-related health issues of their own as well. I would like to see them and help them more. My kids want to see them more too, but I am concerned that my husband’s family will try to see us even more now that my mother-in-law is gone.
My husband is understandably very upset about losing his mom. But I would like us to see my parents as much as we can while we still can. My parents don’t have a lot of family nearby, and most of my mom’s family is out of the country. I want to spend more time with them. I guess I’m feeling extra protective of them since my husband’s family doesn’t have any interest in having a relationship/connection to my parents/family. My question is, how do I ensure that my kids and I can at least spend more time with them, while not creating some conflict or competing dynamic in our family?
–Concerned Daughter (England)
DEAR CONCERNED DAUGHTER:
For you and your kids to spend more time with your parents, create a space to do so. If you want, also create a space for the whole family (your husband’s aunts and your parents and brother as well as your husband and kids) to bond and get closer as a family. Perhaps you could start by group emailing everyone in the family (your parents and brother, your kids if they are old enough, your husband, and your husband’s aunts) and sharing how much it means to you to have them in your life and to recently have been able to be able to better get to know your aunt-in-laws and to connect with them more deeply). You could also mention something (if this resonates for you) about the death of your mother-in-law making you realize how important family is and how important it is to enjoy quality time together with all of the family that you love. You might want to mention you’ve been thinking of a away to do this with the logistical difficulties of having family on both coasts. Then you could propose all of you getting together on an annual basis. (Of course, those who can afford it can still visit you on their own if your schedules allow.)
Since the two branches of your family live on each side of the coast, perhaps you could find somewhere in the middle of the country—maybe Kansas or Missouri or even Colorado or New Mexico. Costs for a family vacation are often more affordable than on the coasts and you can find places with family cabins or retreat cabins or a group of clustered yurts that would be affordable, fun, and also easy enough to navigate for older folk who may have more difficulty getting around.
Put it out there and see what happens. Even if not everyone wants to participate, do it for you and your immediate family and whomever else can join you. It might even be the beginning of a tradition you will continue with your family and their future partners and your future grandkids. Wishing for you your heart’s desire.
HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS AROUND THE LOSS OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW?
15 Jan 2015 1 Comment
in Family Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, deceased mother-in-law, family dynamics, family relationships, mother-in-law, racism, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My mother in-law recently passed away. It was a shock to many of us, as we thought we’d at least get to see her once more during the holidays. I’ve been struggling with dealing with my sadness and grief over the loss, while also trying to come to terms with the fact that I had to put up with her not-so-kind words about my kids and me, her passive-aggressiveness, and just feeling like she never fully liked/embraced me or my side of the family as a part of hers. I am a woman of color, and my husband’s family is white, so my kids and I visibly stand out when we’re with them.
My in-laws always treated my parents like they were beneath them, or just didn’t make any efforts to get to know them, communicate with them, etc. It has been a source of pain and sadness for me over the years, especially since my parents/family have always made efforts to reach out, communicate or connect with them, treating them like they were family. Maybe it’s a cultural difference, but in my family, when someone gets married, that person’s spouse and his/her family become a part of our family as well. I have seen how my in-laws made more of an effort and were just more interested in connecting with my husband’s sister’s in-laws/family when she got married, so I don’t think it’s entirely cultural.
I’m grateful for what she gave us, and for her positive qualities. I want my kids to love their grandma, and of course remember good things about her, but I also want to someday share a more complete and honest picture of her when they are older. Is that inappropriate or wrong? I don’t want to dishonor her memory but I also don’t feel right going along with all the glorifying of her as this perfect saint.
I haven’t even talked to my husband about all the things she has said and done throughout the years. I think he would not want to hear it anyway, particularly now that she’s gone.
What would you recommend I do to deal with my conflicting emotions around all this?
–Confused and Torn (Canada)
DEAR CONFUSED:
Great job at looking at a challenging situation of grieving for and honoring a woman who perhaps didn’t know how to love like you do.
First of all, keep in mind that. no matter what else she did or didn’t do, she created your husband and therefore your children, none of whom would have existed in their exact form without her.
Intuitively, I feel that there are two key issues in how your mother treated you and your family: 1) conscious and subconscious racism and 2) perfectionistic expectations towards her son’s wife. Some mothers have a very difficult time with any woman (even of the same ethnic background) living up to what she believes her son deserves. This combined with a conscious (and not) value placed on men over women (including her own value of herself) combined to create this very challenging situation.
I agree with your assessment that it might not be the best idea to talk to your husband about this now that she is gone. I think it’s important to give yourself an honest channel to communicate this, however. Perhaps you might want to journal about it for yourself or to talk about it with a friend (preferably that had no connection to your mother-in-law) in a way that you can release speak freely and honestly about your feelings (the grief of losing her as well as the grief you experienced in relating with her) and experiences you had with her so you don’t hold all the grief and the energy inside of you.
As far as sharing the whole story with your kids, it’s probably not necessary. Maybe you could just share the positive stories with them and always bring it back to the fact that because she gave birth to your husband, you were able to meet him and to then have your kids eventually. If they ask specific questions when they’re older, or even have questions on how to deal with their own mother-in-law, perhaps at that point, you could generally mention some of your experiences in a way that is constructive and can assist them in working through similar issues.
Also, take good care of yourself and let yourself really feel all of the conflicting feelings coming up for you and let them go to make more space for more joy in your life and validation of all that you’ve learned through this relationship.
You also might want to use this experience as practice living the truth of the necessity of loving and honoring yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks of you or how they treat you. Do this and it will help your children to learn the same by watching you.
HOW DO I STOP OVERSPENDING?
14 Jan 2015 Leave a comment
in Money Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, avoidance, creativity, dali mama, debt, distractions, overspending, SHOPPING, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have a problem with my spending. I am in debt but cannot seem to stop. I buy things in stores and online that’s I don’t really need and even have multiples of (how many little black dresses does one girl need?) but I am reaching a critical point here. What can I do?
–Digging Myself a Big Hole (United States)
DEAR DIGGING:
You’re starting with the most important thing you can do—asking yourself what you can do!
First, take some time to think about why you’re buying things. What hole in your life are you trying to fill with stuff (physical stuff as well as the distraction and busy-ness of acquiring more things).
Intuitively, I believe you’re an extremely creative person. Are you using your creativity to do what you love (drawing, painting, knitting, sculpting, etc.) or are you diverting your creative energy into creating debt. Keep in mind that as much as you’re able to create debt, that’s how amazingly you can create something else when you direct your energy towards that.
Also, take some time to think about whether you’re distracting yourself from thinking about or looking at other areas in your life. Are you in a relationship that is draining you, for example? If so, are you trying to distract yourself from dealing with the issues in the relationship with shopping?
I applaud your courage in looking at this issue that affects many people. Congratulations on taking the first step towards creating prosperity in your life.
HOW DO I TALK TO MY FATHER ABOUT HIS UPCOMING SURGERY?
13 Jan 2015 Leave a comment
in Family Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, father having surgery, father in hospital, spiritual advice column, talking to father about surgery
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My dad is going in for major surgery. He acts like it’s no big deal but I want to be as helpful as I can. Should I bring it up and try to talk to him about it or would that scare him or make him worry more?
–Concerned Son (United States)
DEAR CONCERNED SON:
Your father is lucky to have you as a son. Sometimes when people are afraid, they try to minimize their worry both so they don’t have to deal with their own fear and as a way to be brave for their loved ones. I think this is especially true for many parents because they feel they always have to be in charge and strong for their kids, no matter what is going on. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work so well because not only are they avoiding dealing with their own anxiety (which can make surgery even more stressful) but they are depriving their loved ones a chance to talk and be real with them and to support them.
Keeping these things in mind, in deciding how to handle this with your father, I often look intuitively at what someone can handle. Let your father take the lead. If you ask him an open-ended question like “How are you feeling about your upcoming surgery?” and he says “Fine. Not a problem,” just give him space to act like it’s not a big deal to him and tell him that you love him and that you’re there for him if he needs anything, keeping things light.
If, on the other hand, he answers that he’s a little nervous, you can take it from there, using your intuition to gauge how far to take the conversation while giving him space to feel whatever he’s feeling and letting him know you love him.
Blessings to you and your family.
Ask Dali Mama 
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