WHY DO I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE SAME TYPE OF “BAD GUY”?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Why do I always choose the same type of “bad guy”? I do know better and I even recognize them but somehow I always ignore the good ones and go straight for the bad ones. What is wrong with me?

—Woman with Blinders On (United States)

DEAR WOMAN W.B.O.:

The fact that you’re asking this means that perhaps you’re one step closer to ditching the blinders! Notice any energies in you that make you choose a “bad guy.” Are they more exciting to you? Do you feel more special that you can secure a “bad guy”? Do you feel that, on some level, a “bad guy” is all you deserve? Are you worried that you will hurt a good guy if you are in a relationship with one, or that they will somehow be disappointed in you or by you once they get to know you? You might want to examine this through meditation and journaling and then go out into the dating world armed with your self-awareness and make conscious choices to go against past habits and to try dating some good guys. Notice what comes up in you as you’re dating a good guy. Are you wanting to sabotage the relationship? Does fear come up? The more you can be conscious of these energies, the more you can consciously make choices that are for your highest good.

Congratulations on your courage to look at these energies and to make a change in your life!

WHAT DO I GIVE TO MY SISTER-IN-LAW WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME CHEAP OR AWFUL PRESENTS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My sister-in-law always gives everyone else these hugely expensive and elaborate presents and always gives me something insultingly cheap and/or ugly. For years, I always gave her nice presents but I am thinking that I am just going to either get her something cheap like she gets me or nothing at all. Your advice?

–Scrooged (United States)

DEAR SCROOGED:

If you can’t give her anything with love, maybe it’s best to just give her a card. You might also want to consider giving her a present from an organization such as Heifer International (see http://www.heifer.org/gift-catalog/index.html). Through Heifer, you can buy, for example, a share of a sheep so that a family can use the wool to make products to sell or clothe themselves.

Another great organization is www.kiva.org, through which you can make a micro-loan of $25 (or more) in her name, or let her choose which person or cause to support with her micro-loan. Once the loan is repaid, it can be loaned to the next person to keep the cycle of positive good going strong.

Otherwise, if she has a pet cause or nonprofit, you can make a donation in her name, spreading the love that way. In this way, you can give with love even when it’s difficult to muster up love for someone that is not always kind or generous with you.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GUY IS THE ONE FOR YOU?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

How do you know if a guy is the one for you? I’ve been with someone for almost a year now but I’m still not sure.

–Love-Confused (Brazil)

DEAR LOVE-CONFUSED:

Congratulations on having the courage to look at this so you can make a conscious choice for your relationship.

Some things to think about…. Is your life better with this guy or without him? Do you feel comfortable with this guy yet also motivated to continually grow and improve yourself with this guy? If everything fell away from this guy (his looks, his job, his title, his home, his car, etc.), would you want to be with this man? Is he strong in himself? Do you share core values? Do you trust him? Can you be yourself with him? Can he communicate with you when things get tough? Do you make each other laugh? If he never changed at all, would you be happy being with him exactly as he is?

Relationships are complex but these are some starter questions to look at in contemplating whether or not you wish to continue this relationship.

Wishing you much love.

 

AM I OBLIGATED TO MARRY SOMEONE IF I’VE BEEN WITH THEM A LONG TIME?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a 53-year-old man and have never been married. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She is pushing to get married, but I just don’t want to. I feel like I owe her because we’ve been together so long. Any advice?

–Feeling obligated (Canada)

DEAR FEELING OBLIGATED:

Be clear with her you don’t want to get married if you don’t want to get married. Obligation and guilt are not good reasons to make a lifelong commitment with someone.

Also, a marriage built on obligation is unlikely to succeed, much less last.

If you are very clear with her that you do not want to get married and never want to get married, it is her choice to stay or to go under those circumstances.

Also, if the two of you end up breaking up, if you want, be clear right from the get-go that you never wish to get married when you start dating someone (preferably before you sleep with them).

I wish you both whatever is for your individual and mutual highest good.

 

AT WHAT POINT DOES HANGING OUT WITH AN OLD GIRLFRIEND CROSS THE LINE?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been seeing someone seriously for a while now in a committed relationship. Recently, an old girlfriend has surfaced and we’ve been hanging out together. At what point does this cross a line that should not be crossed?

–Just wondering (Canada)

DEAR JUST WONDERING:

I commend you for thinking about this before it comes to a point where it does cross the line. I encourage you to speak to your girlfriend and discuss what she is comfortable with. You might also want to invite her to hang out with you and your friend/ex-girlfriend. If you do not want to invite her to hang out with the two of you, that’s probably a sign it’s time to pull back from hanging out with your ex, at least when it’s just the two of you.

Also, if you’re feeling sexually attracted to your old girlfriend or your friendship with her is taking away from your time with your girlfriend or the quality of your relationship with your current girlfriend, it’s definitely time to consider your priorities and make a fresh commitment within yourself to your current relationship with your girlfriend if it’s truly important to you. If you don’t, you might end up crossing the line and not only losing your girlfriend but ending up in the same place you were before with your old girlfriend and remembering why the two of you broke up in the first place.

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO BREAK UP WITH A GIRLFRIEND

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What is the best way to break up with a girlfriend? I love her still but know I’m just not the right guy for her.

–Wondering (Canada)

DEAR WONDERING:

Well, it kind of depends on factors like how long you’ve been dating and your girlfriend’s personality, but I would suggest a basic conversation in person in a neutral environment telling her you love her but you feel you two are just not compatible. I would keep it really basic unless she asks for specifics. You don’t mention a specific reason you feel you’re not the right guy for her, but maybe you could say, if she asks, “I just feel I’m not the right guy for you” or maybe “I just feel we’re not the right combination for each other even though I love you.”

Kudos for putting thought into how to do this in a compassionate and loving way.

 

CHANGING DYNAMICS IN FRIENDSHIPS

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a friend who till relatively recently meant the world to me but I have hugely grown and grown up as a person and I see her more for who she really is now.

I know now that I am easily her equal and no longer need a teacher/counselor (though she’d like to keep me in this position). Then when I look at her side of the friendship it’s based on her trying constantly to get me to use my spiritual gifts for her gratification (though she disguises it as a big need); or dumping her emotional stuff on me and generally trying to get me to her level of being–sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, etc.

On my side of the friendship, I used to get in touch with her when I felt I couldn’t cope with life as my mother never listened so I’ve always turned to other strong women. I need also to change this. How do I feel like I’m enough for myself to be able to cope with the emotional reactions I have without reaching out to others?

I fear her reaction as my mother shows rage and subsequent withholding of love I have been petrified of when I stand up to her. So my friend is a mirror. I want to find the courage not only to speak my truth but to also stand my ground and not shake inside or feel bad. I want to break this lifelong behavior pattern.

Also how do I discover what remains of our friendship when I make changes based on the above?

–M.L. (Switzerland)

DEAR M.L.:

It’s great you’re looking at both sides of the relationship as well as what you have to learn from this relationship. That’s an essential skill for any solid relationship.

The most important thing is for you to hold your space and be who you are—a strong woman in your power. Do this and your friend will either rise up to meet you at this new vibration or fall away. Sometimes, too, people have to withdraw for a little while first before they can meet up with you later at your true vibration.

Also, don’t resist any energies as far as her dumping energies on you. She can do that all she wants but it will only stick if you allow it to or if you resist those energies. Just validate your wholeness and love and power and see her as a whole and divine being as well and you can best enjoy her company (or not) while understanding both of you are divine beings in bodies and that you both are teachers in some areas and students in some, as we all are. In spirit there is no competition—no better than or less than, only wholeness and divinity. Keep validating that wholeness in yourself and in her and she can choose to match that more easily in her expression of her spririt in the physical plane.

Note: Readers, I invite you to send in your own questions. You may email them to askdalimama@gmail.com or write them in the comments section.

 

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LOVE SPELLS?

DEAR DALI MAMA:

What do you think about love spells and do they work?

–Wanting Love (Brazil)

DEAR WANTING LOVE:

Although love spells do work sometimes, I do not recommend them nor do I perform them for clients that come for energy work. Doing love spells can interfere with a person’s free will, pulling a person’s energy or influencing it in a way that I don’t believe is ethical. Also, doing a love spell on someone is, I believe, creating unwanted karma for yourself.

Instead of doing a love spell, perhaps you might want to ask the Universe to bring into your life the person who is of your divine right. Also, create the energy first for yourself of love and a loving relationship with yourself in order to create the optimal energy for a relationship that matches this love vibration to come into your life. And, of course, do the practical basics such as getting out into the world (even through the Internet on an online dating site if that feels right to you) where people can meet you and have the opportunity to fall in love with you.

Validate the love you have, including for yourself, and even more love will find you in divine time.

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