HOW DO I HANDLE MY SADNESS AFTER CHEATING YEARS AGO?

04 Sep 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I cheated on my wife once several years ago with my co-worker on a business trip out of town and ended it after that one time but I feel really sad all the time and I really don’t want to be married any longer but I am trying to honor my vows to a wonderful woman who has been by my side for 17 years whom I am not even sure I am in love with any longer although of course I love her and she’s never been anything but good to me. How do I handle this?

—Cheater (United States)

DEAR C.:

I applaud your integrity and willingness to look at how to handle this. First of all, although you cheated once, consider not labeling yourself a cheater because that was one mistake, not who you are as a person, as evidenced by your email.

Are you still working at the same place with your co-worker you had sex with? If so, consider asking for a transfer to another branch (if your company has various locations) or looking for a different job. It would be very hard to move on if you have to still see and interact with that person every day.

Keep in mind, too, that it is easy to mourn the could-have-beens when you only interacted with that woman for one great occasion rather than having to see her in the banality of daily living with possible arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes or the toilet seat being left up. Is there a way you can create some passion and newness with your wife? Going on a trip together or doing something new? It is easy to forget the charm and magic of a woman you have spent almost two decades with because it is easy for anyone to start to take those charms and particular brand of magic for granted when so used to them that they become part of the scenery, beautiful but almost invisible at times.

I suggest you go to counseling and also start couples’ counseling with your wife rather than quietly suffering in regret, guilt, and unfulfilled desire, as I imagine you might have been doing all these years.

After you’ve been doing therapy or counseling for at least a year or two, you can have a clearer idea of the energies in you that make you feel unfulfilled as well as what you truly need in a relationship. At that point, only you can decide what’s right for you. If you cannot love your wife the way it sounds like she deserves to be loved, perhaps it is kindest for you to let her go at that point. But without trying, you will never know if you could have had magic and passion and fun with the woman you’re already with.

Much love on your journey.

HOW DO I HANDLE MY BOYFRIEND ASKING ME FOR HALF MY PAYCHECK?

31 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Money

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have a new boyfriend and as soon as I get my paycheck, he always asks what I made and asks me for half of it. I don’t feel good about this. How do I handle this?

—Feeling Weird (United States)

DEAR FEELING WEIRD:

Run!

You are feeling weird because your knowingness is aware that this behavior is not right. You deserve much better. It is none of his business at this point how much you make and you don’t need to share your paycheck with him.

OUR CHILD STILL SLEEPS IN OUR BED AND OUR SEX LIFE IS NONEXISTENT

28 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for five years and we have a four-year-old whom we love beyond words. What I don’t love is that our beautiful son has been sleeping in between us for four years. He will start kindergarten next year and I don’t think he should be sleeping in our bed any longer but my wife does not agree. Obviously, this does nothing for our sex life. We haven’t had sex since a month before he was born. While I wouldn’t trade my family for the world, this is not the life I envisioned when I proposed to my wife. I feel like a monk and a father but not a husband. Lately I have been thinking more and more of just going but I don’t know what this would to do my son or to my wife or if I would even get partial custody as I’ve heard that custody decisions tend to favor the mother. I’m 46 and is this the rest of my life stretching out ahead of me? Will he be sleeping between us when he is in high school? I am joking of course and yet I don’t even really know any more.

—Monk Man (Canada)

DEAR MONK MAN:

There are a couple issues here.

First, is there a particular reason your son is still sleeping with you? Are you doing attachment parenting or is there perhaps a medical reason? Do you know why you haven’t had sex since before your child was born?

As I’m guessing you’ve probably had occasional opportunity, even with your son in your bed, for the two of you to slip into another room and enjoy some alone time so it is quite possible that there is some reason for this married celibacy. I know some women who, upon having pushed a head the size of a bowing ball, they said they never want anything to go in there again. Sometimes too they are issues such as post-partum depression or certain medications or hormonal imbalances that can affect a woman’s libido. Sometimes too they may be issues within the marriage or for one or both partners that need to be addressed with a therapist or counselor as sometimes one of both partners may subconsciously or consciously use their child in their bed as an excuse to not be sexually intimate.

Ask your wife in a neutral and curious way about why you haven’t had sex. If she doesn’t answer or offers excuses, it is time for both of you to see a marriage counselor. Many couples’ sex lives fall by the wayside for a while after having a baby, what the difficulty juggling work and sleep and the needs of a child. It is important however for the couples’ relationship to be solid in order to create a solid foundation for the family as a whole. Even physiologically, sex is important hormonally with oxytocin, etc.,  for couples to retain that chemical bond that will keep them strong as a unit.

Your counselor can also help you figure out ways to gently transition your child to his own bed. Perhaps a doggie friend to cuddle with at night might be a nice segue.

Even once you begin couples’ counseling, it is up to both of you to address the issues and do the inner work to make the changes. This may be challenging and could take quite some time but the benefits will be worth every ounce of effort if you both do the work.

If she is unwilling to look at the issues and make changes, you will need to decide for yourself what you need to live and be happy and how to create that in a way that honors all of you.

I wish you and your family the best, my friend.

HOW DO I GET MY HUSBAND TO LISTEN TO ME?

26 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My husband of 29 years always decides what he thinks is right and doesn’t listen to me. It drives me crazy. What do I do, short of divorcing him?

—Had It (United States)

DEAR H.I.:

Is this a recent change in behavior or something he’s always done to some extent? If it’s a recent change in behavior and his behavior or attitudes seem erratic, have him see his doctor to see if there aren’t physiological factors going on.

Barring any mental or other imbalances, if he has always done that to some extent or has done it but it’s gradually worsened, I suggest talking to a couples counselor. Also, keep in mind if he has been doing this for about three decades and you’re fed up with it now, you’re going to have to train him to listen to you in a different way. If he’s been doing it for a while, it will take him a while to learn a new way of relating to you and also of listening to you.

For many men in the United States, they’ve been raised to be the leader of the household or of “their women,” including believing that they know best and better than anyone else in the household, and this training is embedded in their consciousness to such an extent that it takes a real effort and choice on their part to extricate themselves from old programming. A good couples counselor will hopefully be able to help you both learn new ways of relating—your husband, to truly listen to you and understand the value of your opinions and ability to co-create the life you have together, and you, to learn new ways of communicating that commands respect and demands that you are heard and listened to.

This transformation has the potential to make your marriage something much more amazing than it has ever been. My best to you both on your journey.

MY WIFE WANTS AN OPEN MARRIAGE BUT I DON’T.

18 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife wants our marriage to be open but I don’t want that. What do you think of polyamory? I may be old-fashioned but I don’t get it. If I wanted for us to sleep with other people, why would I have even proposed? I don’t want my wife having sex with anyone else. I don’t even want to have sex with anyone else but her. And what can I do if I don’t want our marriage to be open? I might lose her if I say no.

—Caught Between a Rock (United States)

DEAR CAUGHT:

If you don’t want an open marriage, you must communicate that honestly to your wife. Yes, you might lose her if you say no but the other alternative is to be in an unhappy marriage since you don’t want an open marriage and she does. I would start with couples counseling to see if there is some way you both can make changes to your relationship that would make both of you happy.

It is up to each couple to define and create the kind of marriage they want. As long as they are open and honest with each other, it is their right to set the parameters of what is acceptable and what is not for their marriage. Unfortunately, often married people in supposedly traditional, monogamous marriages cheat on the side and lie about it even though they don’t have an “open” marriage. In my opinion, an honest and open poly relationship beats a relationship that pretends to be monogamous but is not.

I know some who embrace polyamory in an effort to love without possessiveness and ownership and with permission for the partners to explore outside of the relationship. I think that ideal of honesty is admirable when the parties are truly honest and open with each other.

Some of the challenges of poly life, however, are that it can perhaps be difficult to go deeper into a relationship and to stick with a partner when things get difficult when there are easier options (and potential distractions). That doesn’t mean that it can’t be done—it just takes work, even more work perhaps than with just two people in a marriage, which in itself can be a heck of a lot of work. Also, I feel that some live the poly lifestyle with an undercurrent of a kind of sexual materialism or acquisitiveness, which doesn’t resonate for me personally although I admire poly couples that live with complete honesty and openness. I’m friends with a couple who also say their goal is to love without borders or limits defined by society.

If any polyamorists have anything to add to this discussion, please share your opinions and suggestions as people who actually live or have lived this lifestyle as far as the benefits or challenges of this lifestyle as well as your philosophy of relationship.

WHY DO GUYS CHASE ME ONLY AFTER I’VE LOST INTEREST?

16 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Why do guys seem interested in me only after I lose interest in them? It’s like once I stop thinking about them, then they suddenly call and start chasing me. I don’t get it.

—Exasperated (Canada)

DEAR EXASPERATED:

Haha. That is a question for the ages that many women around the world have asked themselves. There are many possible reasons for this but I will address one key dynamic in this scenario, related to energetic boundaries and space. This dynamic pertains to all kinds of relationships—friendships or work relationships and not just romantic relationships.

Sometimes when we are super-enthusiastic about someone, we may inadvertently get all up in their space and not give the object of our affections energetic space to approach us. Also, because we are in their space, there is no reason for them to call or to make an effort to spend time with you because, energetically speaking, you’re already with them. When you’re interested in someone, call your energy back to yourself and have your energy for yourself. When you do this, oftentimes the person of interest will get ahold of you since 1) they have to take action in order to be with you energetically and physically and 2) they now have the space to take action.

Experiment with how you use your energy and see what happens!

HOW DO I COMPETE WITH MY BOYFRIEND’S DEAD WIFE?

03 Aug 2017 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been dating a widower for three months. His wife died of cancer and he took care of her for years when she was very sick and dying. How do I compete with her memory?

—COMPETING WITH A GHOST (U.K.)

 

DEAR COMPETING:

It sounds like your boyfriend has a big heart because he lovingly cared for his wife when he was sick. Don’t you think a man like that has love enough for both of you? I don’t think it’s necessary for you to compete at all. Of course he will always love his wife but does that mean he can’t love you or that you are less than someone else?

It’s important, though, for you to recognize that you are worthy of his love and for you to use your energy loving him and allowing yourself to be loved rather than competing with the memory of someone who probably would be happy her husband found someone kind after her passing.

Enjoy this time with this man and have fun.

HOW DO I STOP MY EX’S INVOLVEMENT WITH MY PARENTS?

02 Aug 2017 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Family, Love & Relationships

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My ex is still enmeshed with my parents even though we have been broken up for 2 ½ years and no longer talk. I feel like he ingratiates himself with my parents. My parents often tell me how he’s doing and what he is up to. How can I stop this? It’s very annoying.

—Not Grinning and Bearing It (United States)

 

DEAR NOT GRINNING:

Since you no longer talk to your ex, is it possible to be happy that your parents have one more person in their lives that loves them? If it annoys you to hear about him, ask your parents to stop mentioning him. If they continue to bring him up, try switching subjects to a topic you’re more excited to talk about whenever his name comes up.

Savor the positive anytime you can. Much love.

HOW DO I COPE WITH FRIENDSHIPS FADING AWAY?

22 Jan 2015 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

It seems that all my friendships are fading away or already have. It seems that they all move on to other things, or to other friends.

I am a very loyal friend, and even when I am trying to reach out, they are all too busy! I am busy also with work and kids but I always have time for friends, and I feel very lonely and empty if I don’t have a people connection. Please advise.

–Lonely

DEAR L.:

You’re not alone in this feeling. As one moves through life, sometimes waves of friendships or relationships pass through due to life changes (friends may move away or get busy with their kids or work or other things or may simply drift away). Sometimes, too, friends may be feeling depressed and unable to deal with anything other than the bare necessities and can’t cope with anything else.

Friendships require maintenance and fortunately it sounds like you’re a loyal friend who knows what it takes to maintain and build friendships.

Sometimes, too, as you shift and grow, friends may fall away for a while or longer. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself to feel good. Exercise, eat right, and maybe join some classes or some clubs around your interests (painting or hiking or whatever makes you happy). Some of your old friends may catch up with you eventually and some may not. In any case, validate the fun you had together and create energetic space for wonderful friendships (new as well as old) that align with your true self.

See yourself as “the party” and do things for yourself and have a great time on your own. Go to your favorite café and have a cup of your favorite coffee while reading a great book or journaling and validate what a great time you’re having all on your own. Doing so will attract others into your life who want to join the party.

This can be a process and may take time, but use this as an opportunity to really learn to enjoy and love yourself and your own company! Have fun, my friend.

WHY DON’T I GET ANY RESPONSES FROM THE DATING SITE?

07 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I joined a dating site a couple weeks ago but noticed that none of the women even bother responding to my messages although my profile shows that I am an employed professional with a good salary and decent photo (I’m a decent-looking man, some say handsome even). Why haven’t I even gotten one single response?

–Frustrated (United States)

DEAR FRUSTRATED:

First, get some feedback from some of your friends (both male and female) to get some opinions on how you can improve your profile. Of course, you don’t have to incorporate all suggestions but just consider the feedback as research and then, if any of them resonate for you, you might want to tweak your profile slightly. Some small changes can make a big difference.

Second, keep in mind that some women are deluged with messages and people may be particularly busy or traveling right because we just got through with the holiday season.

Third, consider what kind of messages you’re sending. Are you just saying “Hi” or sending a wink? Are your messages thoughtful, demonstrating that you’ve actually read their profile or are they messages like “You’re pretty,” where it’s ambiguous whether you’ve actually read about their interests or hobbies or anything about them beyond seeing their photo? Tailor your messages to demonstrate you’ve read what they wrote about themselves and perhaps ask a question or two to engage them on a little deeper level than just hello, for example.

Finally, create an energetic space for them to respond to you if they want. Sometimes both men and women, in their enthusiasm to connect with someone, don’t realize they’re not creating an open and inviting space to hear back from someone or respond. Experiment with being both neutral and enthusiastic about getting to know someone while letting go off all expectations or demands or notions about how and when they respond to you. Play with this and have fun, no matter whether you hear from anyone or not. If you set the energy of your correspondence and of your dating to fun, it’s much more likely some woman will match that energy of fun and want to get to know you more.

WHAT DO YOU ADVISE FOR SOMEONE WAITING FOR HER BOYFRIEND TO LEAVE HIS UNHAPPY MARRIAGE?

05 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am so in love with a married man. He is unhappy in his marriage and does not sleep with her anymore but they have been married for more than 20 years and he has two children. He says he is going to leave her and marry me but it has been a long time and I spend every holiday without him and I am giving up hope that he will ever leave her. What do you advise?

–Torn (United States)

DEAR TORN:

Let me just ask you a few questions (with love) for you to think about as you make your decision about your next steps. You mention he has children but is it more accurate perhaps to say that “they” have two children? Do you notice that his words or promises don’t match his actions? And do you really want to be with someone that is sleeping with someone else (probably without his wife’s knowledge or consent) while he is married to and living with his wife and children? Even if he ever leaves his wife, would you like to be in his wife’s current role with this man and what do you imagine that might look like, based on his current and past behavior?

Maybe you could contemplate these questions and also think about what it means to respect marriage. Others’ marriages as well as perhaps your own marriage someday. Respecting others’ marriages and marriage in general can help you create a solid foundation for you to find the right person to build the kind of marriage you want for yourself.

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON WHITE LIES BETWEEN PARTNERS?

11 Dec 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been dating someone for six months and I have caught him in a few lies. They’re not big lies but it makes me not trust or respect him. He says they are white lies and that all couples tell each other white lies to keep the peace but I consider them lies just the same. Your opinion?

–Waking up and Smelling the Coffee (United States)

DEAR WAKING UP:

The strongest relationships are based on truth. It’s possible to tell the truth tactfully and diplomatically while communicating what needs to be said.

You might want to check out a great book called Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.

HOW DO I STOP THINKING ABOUT AN OLD LOVE?

27 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I can’t stop thinking about a man I dated (only briefly years ago). How do I stop this unhealthy behavior?

–Heartbroken (Brazil)

DEAR HEARTBROKEN:

It’s great that you recognize continuing to think about this man is not healthy for you. Validate the time you had together and let that be enough as the gift it was. Give thanks for the experiences you had together and for what you each learned from each other, then make room for someone new to come into your life.

If you want, I also encourage you to get rid of any old photos of him or momentos of your time together to make room for new romance and love.

Maybe you could even join some singles clubs or host a singles party or something and get the word out to your friends you’re ready to meet someone new in case they know someone you might hit it off with. Whether you hit it off romantically or not, it can be a lot of fun to make new friends and meet new people.

 

IS IT OK TO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER WISHES TO HAVE SEX?

07 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am married to a woman who no longer wants to have sex at all. It’s been almost a year. The last time was on our anniversary. Do you think it’s ok for me to have sex with other people under these circumstances? I wouldn’t tell her because it would hurt her feelings but I also feel it’s hurting me to go without sex when she has zero interest.

–Basically a Good Guy (United States)

DEAR BASICALLY:

That is a difficult situation. I suggest that your wife see her doctor to see if there is some underlying medical issue (or some issue from her past) causing her to not want to have sex anymore and that the two of you see a marriage counselor and that both of you might want to see a counselor individually as well to get to the root cause of why she does not want to have sex. This might be emotionally painful at first, but necessary in order for the healing and true change to begin.

Then, after doing everything you can to resurrect your sexual connection, including perhaps taking a tantric workshop together, you both can make an informed decision that is best for you individually and as a couple.

Once you have each tried all you can to salvage and nurture your sexual and general relationship, at that point, you can make a decision together as far as what will work for both of you.

Even though it must be both frustrating and difficult to be in a marriage where your partner does not want to have sex, I would advise you to keep other people out of your marriage even under these challenging circumstances. A lie of omission is still a lie and seeing other people without your wife’s knowledge would introduce deception into the marriage, which is not a good energy for any healthy relationship.

Once you’ve had counseling together and addressed any potential medical issues and tried everything you can to address the cause of the lack of sex, then you and your wife can make a plan together—to concertedly improve the sexual relationship between the two of you (having sex, for starters), for her to possibly consider participating in giving you some kind of sexual relief (manually perhaps) to foster some kind of sexual connection between the two of you even if she does not wish to have actual intercourse, for her to give you permission to have your sexual needs met elsewhere if she does not want to engage with you that way, or for both of you to go your separate ways and find people more sexually compatible.

 

IS IT A MISTAKE TO LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE?

04 Oct 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend and I are going to move in together but my mother thinks it’s a mistake because “who wants to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free?” What do you think?

–Am I Making a Mistake? (United States)

DEAR AM I:

Are you a cow? If so, you’re an extremely literate bovine to be able to write such a clear and concise email. Ha ha.

I say you should do what is right for you. While some people think it’s a mistake to live together before marriage (I’m guessing your mother is worried your guy won’t want to commit if you’re living together), some might consider it a mistake to pledge one’s life and loyalty to someone they’re not sure they can get along with day in and day out over extended periods of time.

Follow your heart, my friend.

NOTE TO READERS: I do free healings the first Sunday of each month. If you would like a free healing that day, email your healing request (with “free group healing” in the subject line) with your name and up to three healing requests to holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com. You may do this every month as many times as you like. I also invite you to send in your own questions to askdalimama@gmail.com.

 

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