HOW DO I HANDLE THE ONE-UPSMANSHIP GAME?

11 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have this family friend I work with that is driving me nuts. Anytime I mention anything, she has to one-up me. If I say I went to the mountains over the weekend, she says her husband is taking her on a one-week cruise to Hawaii. If I say my daughter is excited about going to college, she says her daughter won some big scholarship to a great school. If I mention my husband at all, she brings up how these head hunters are trying to recruit her husband for some huge-paying job. (My husband was laid off and is between jobs at the moment, so this one smarts a little.)

I don’t really buy into the status game or materialism thing or anything, but I find myself getting so irritated nevertheless. Please advise.

–Baffled (United States)

DEAR BAFFLED:

First of all, know that this woman must be very insecure and unhappy with her life if she constantly needs to one-up you on everything. This is probably exacerbated by the fact that you are family friends. I don’t know how long you have known each other, but sometimes family friends can light up a person’s insecurity and competition even more than general acquaintances or friends.

Second, know that resistance to competition (even when you’re not necessarily a competitive person) can sometimes make you stuck in the competition energy, AKA the good ole rat race. So whenever your friend tries to drag you into the one-upmanship game, just validate you and your life for exactly what it is and be grateful to all that is. If you want, you can also keep the details of your life to yourself so as not to give her any ammunition to use to try to pull you into that game. And give her space to be exactly where she is at, knowing she’s doing her best as she knows it to be.

AM I OBLIGATED TO MARRY SOMEONE IF I’VE BEEN WITH THEM A LONG TIME?

06 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I am a 53-year-old man and have never been married. I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years. She is pushing to get married, but I just don’t want to. I feel like I owe her because we’ve been together so long. Any advice?

–Feeling obligated (Canada)

DEAR FEELING OBLIGATED:

Be clear with her you don’t want to get married if you don’t want to get married. Obligation and guilt are not good reasons to make a lifelong commitment with someone.

Also, a marriage built on obligation is unlikely to succeed, much less last.

If you are very clear with her that you do not want to get married and never want to get married, it is her choice to stay or to go under those circumstances.

Also, if the two of you end up breaking up, if you want, be clear right from the get-go that you never wish to get married when you start dating someone (preferably before you sleep with them).

I wish you both whatever is for your individual and mutual highest good.

 

IS IT EVER OKAY TO SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN EVEN WHEN HE’S NO LONGER SLEEPING WITH HIS WIFE?

02 Aug 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex Tags: , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My boyfriend is married. He says he no longer sleeps with his wife and that they have an understanding. I am really not feeling good about this, though. Is it ever okay to sleep with someone that’s married even in these circumstances?

–Doormat (United States)

DEAR DM (I so don’t want to call you “Doormat”:

I think the main issue here is that you don’t feel good about the situation and that you feel like a doormat for sleeping with someone even though he says he’s no longer sexually involved with his wife. Because of this, I would end it unless/until he is actually divorced.

Also, sometimes unfortunately some people say they have an understanding with their partner and are no longer sleeping with them but that is not always the truth. The energy is much cleaner and clearer if they’re either legally divorced or if his wife comes up to you and says, “Yeah, we’re married but no longer sleep together and you have my blessing.” Which is not terribly likely.

Even if you’re alone for a while, being alone and proud of your choices will be worth it and will create space for you to meet someone who is truly available.

 

 

HOW DO I SUPPORT MY SICK FRIEND WHEN I HATE HOSPITALS?

30 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My friend is in the hospital and is very sick. He has cancer. My father died of cancer and I just can’t bear to go to the hospital. Is there anything I can do about this? How can I support my friend?

–Afraid (United States)

DEAR AFRAID:

It’s very natural and human to get scared about illness and hospitals, particularly when you lost your father to cancer.

Try just showing up to the hospital during visiting hours and just being there for him. Focus on him and how he’s feeling and be your wonderful self and show up and talk to him as your wonderful friend.

If you really can’t go to the hospital, though, don’t punish yourself and just do what you can. Call him every day (or maybe Skype him if he has Skype access there) or send him a magazine or a book of jokes or something that will make him laugh.

Whether you go to the hospital or not, know that you love him and let him know as well. It doesn’t matter so much HOW you do it if you’re doing the best you can. It just matters that you do it.

NOTE TO READERS: I am offering my annual Celebrate Life special now. It is US$75 for 30 minutes or US$150 for an hour for an intuitive reading, a healing, or a combination of the two. (It is normally US$125 for 30 minutes or US$250 for an hour.) Of course, if you have just a quick question, you can always write it in to Dali Mama at no cost. I also offer free long-distance group healings the first Sunday of each month, in which case you’d email me with “FREE GROUP HEALING” in the subject line with your name, address, and healing requests. Email holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com to schedule an appointment or check out www.holdinglightproductions.com to find out more about my work. I can do appointments with you in any location via Skype, phone, or email.

 

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE?

25 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife and I have been married for 27 years. She is a wonderful woman but I feel so bored with my life and with my marriage. How do I know when it is time to go?

–Trying (United States)

DEAR TRYING:

Well, first you might want to have a conversation with her and maybe try couples counseling. If you’re feeling bored with your marriage, it’s quite likely she might be feeling the same way.

Talk together and see what you can both do to cultivate passion, excitement, and a fresh perspective on your marriage and on each other. Try dating each other too. Do fun things neither of you have done before. Take a class together, visit a new place, or buy a tandem bike that you can ride together to explore new places while staying healthy. You may come to know each other in a whole new way when you give yourselves a chance by giving yourself fresh situations, new environments, and novel stuff to do and discuss together. You both have probably evolved in ways you don’t even recognize and this is a great chance to get to know your new selves with fresh eyes.

Also, keep in mind that when you were first dating, you worked to get to know each other and you made plans to do fun things together. That’s got to continue. Every relationship needs work to maintain it and to help it grow and thrive.

Finally, if you feel bored with your life, you’ve got to start by addressing that. Once you feel stimulated in your own life (your hobbies, interests, learning new things, pursuing your dreams), that stimulation and enthusiasm will likely spread into your marriage.

I wish you much enjoyment of the rediscovery of both who you are and who your wife is and who you are as a couple in the present moment.

AT WHAT POINT DOES HANGING OUT WITH AN OLD GIRLFRIEND CROSS THE LINE?

24 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

I have been seeing someone seriously for a while now in a committed relationship. Recently, an old girlfriend has surfaced and we’ve been hanging out together. At what point does this cross a line that should not be crossed?

–Just wondering (Canada)

DEAR JUST WONDERING:

I commend you for thinking about this before it comes to a point where it does cross the line. I encourage you to speak to your girlfriend and discuss what she is comfortable with. You might also want to invite her to hang out with you and your friend/ex-girlfriend. If you do not want to invite her to hang out with the two of you, that’s probably a sign it’s time to pull back from hanging out with your ex, at least when it’s just the two of you.

Also, if you’re feeling sexually attracted to your old girlfriend or your friendship with her is taking away from your time with your girlfriend or the quality of your relationship with your current girlfriend, it’s definitely time to consider your priorities and make a fresh commitment within yourself to your current relationship with your girlfriend if it’s truly important to you. If you don’t, you might end up crossing the line and not only losing your girlfriend but ending up in the same place you were before with your old girlfriend and remembering why the two of you broke up in the first place.

HOW DO I GET A GUY TO ASK ME OUT?

23 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships

DEAR DALI MAMA: 

How do I get a guy to ask me out?

–Shy (Canada)

DEAR SHY:

Probably the best thing you can do is smile, show interest, and be yourself. If he’s not interested in the real you, being yourself is a good way to weed out anyone who is not a good match for you.

Also, ask him questions about himself and let him lead the conversation so you can get to know him better to see if you’d actually want to be in a relationship with him, much less go on a date with him—particularly helpful when you’re shy.

You also might want to consider asking him out. These days, there’s really no reason you can’t. Even if he’s not available or interested in a relationship, he’ll probably at least be flattered you asked.

WHAT ARE THE ENERGETIC DYNAMICS OF POLYAMORY?

22 Jul 2014 1 Comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex Tags: , , , , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

Sorry. One more question. You just responded to my question about polyamory. A lot of times, when you answer questions, you talk about the energetics of the issue but you didn’t talk about the energetics of polyamory. Can you address the energetics of polyamory beyond whether both partners in a couple wish to adopt it or not?

–Still Reluctant (United States)

DEAR STILL RELUCTANT:

Sometimes one or both of the partners want to bring other people into their relationship as a way of avoiding intimacy with their primary partner, as well as intimacy with themselves on an emotional and spiritual level. If a person has not done their own inner work within themselves or their relationship work with the partner (of course these things are lifelong lessons, but it helps to do concentrated work on oneself), trying to bring external people into their relationship can be a way of avoiding doing their own inner work or on the trust and communication and other work that needs to be done within the primary relationship with their partner.

However, if both partners are doing their inner work and their work with each other and are open and honest with each other and set boundaries about what is and is not acceptable, polyamory can benefit them and their relationship if that is truly what both of them want. If they have not and are not doing their inner work and their karmic work with each other, however, sometimes bringing others into their relationship will exponentially increase and exacerbate any dynamics that are already not working within themselves or within each other.

Hope this clarifies the energetic dynamics as requested.

If any readers who have tried polyamory wish to add any input, please feel free to comment with your own experiences and lessons and insights on the energetic dynamics of polyamorous relationships.

SHOULD I ADOPT POLYAMORY IF MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO?

19 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships, Sex

DEAR DALI MAMA: 

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We are in our late 30s and early 40s. He wants us to adopt polyamory but I don’t want us to have an open marriage like that and I don’t want to sleep with other people, nor to have him sleeping with other people. What do you think of this idea?

–Reluctant (United States)

DEAR RELUCTANT:

If you do not want to be polyamorous, don’t be.

I think polyamorous relationships are fine when both partners wish for their marriage to be polyamorous and are open and honest and can set and agree on boundaries that they both adhere to. If one of the partners does not wish to be polyamorous and is just going along with it to make the other partner happy, there is an imbalance in the relationship that could lead to resentment later down the road.

You and your husband might want to find a relationship therapist or counselor to help you navigate what is best for both of you individually and as a couple.

 

HOW DO I HANDLE MY BOSSY FATHER-IN-LAW?

15 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships Tags: , , ,

DEAR DALI MAMA:

My wife’s father is very bossy and orders me around in my own house when he comes to visit. How do I handle this?

–Fed up Husband (United States)

DEAR FED UP:

You might want to start by telling him you want to have a talk with him and going off, just the two of you, and having a friendly chat.

Of course, this doesn’t guarantee that your father-in-law will come around, and even if he does, it’s likely to be a process, but it’s worth a try.

You mention that he’s very bossy so it sounds like you’re not the only one he orders around. If nothing else, unless his behavior starts becoming abusive, keep thanking him as spirit for creating and giving life to the woman you love.

IS HE THE ONE FOR ME?

09 Jul 2014 Leave a comment

by askdalimama in Love & Relationships

I have been with the same man for four years. He wants to get married. Mostly I love him but, every once in a while, I almost feel like I hate him. He drives me crazy, but often with stupid things that don’t really matter. Do you think he’s really the one for me?

–Confused (United States)

DEAR CONFUSED:

Well, you’ll have to let your heart lead you on this decision. If you mostly love him and you recognize the things he does that drive you crazy are generally harmless and insignificant, I wouldn’t let those factors override the possibility of a very nice life together.

Often the people we love the most on occasion are the most likely to drive us crazy. Marriage and romance is not a 24/7 bed of roses. It’s two people with different needs and templates coming together to build a life together that works for both of them. The only way ALL of your needs and desires would be the same would be if you married a clone of yourself, and what would be the fun of that?

Keep your sense of humor and follow your heart, my friend.

 

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