14 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: decompressing, gaming, stress, therapy, video games
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a professional man in my fifties and I am in management and make a lot of money. The thing is I spend a lot of time playing video games in the evenings and on the weekends. It helps me wind down. However, this is not going down well with the wife and she wants me to go to therapy. I do not think this is an issue that warrants a therapist as it doesn’t interfere with work and at least I am not out getting drunk and sleeping around. She reads your column and I want to know if you agree with me.
—Gamer (United States)
DEAR GAMER:
You didn’t mention how much time you spend gaming so let me just ask you a few questions. Are the video games taking a disproportionate amount of your free time? Is your urge to play video games out of control sometimes? For example, are you unable to relax without playing video games? Do you feel like you sometimes use games as a way of avoiding dealing with stress or dealing constructively with the cause of stress? If the answer to these questions is yes, you may want to explore therapy and figure out alternative ways of winding down. Maybe even fun stuff, including more quality private time and also couples time, including sex!
Think about these questions. It seems that the games are causing some stress in your marriage. It sounds like your wife would like more quality time with you and also would like you to be more emotionally present with her rather than playing games. Is there some way you and your wife could compromise, perhaps spending more quality time together while still giving you time to decompress by playing the games.
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13 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized
Tags: channel, Diva Jones, house parties, karaoke, open mic, opera singer, singing, stretches, vocal exercises
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a singer and I have to say I’m pretty decent except for the fact I have horrible stage fright and my voice tightens up and I really get in my head. How do I stop this?
–Fraidy-Cat Performer
DEAR F-C PERFORMER:
Google exercises for singers and performers. Often, simple stretches and exercises can do a lot towards limbering your physical body, which can help.
Also, get out and sing as much as possible, from open mics to house parties or even karaoke. The more you do it, the more you will gradually feel comfortable.
You might want to also sign up for some lessons with a singing teacher or a vocal coach. There’s a great opera singer named Diva Jones who does Skype sessions, who can give you some great tips. I highly recommend her, even to have some initial lessons to build yourself a strong foundation for singing and keeping your voice healthy and strong.
Finally, try allowing yourself to be a clear channel for the music and the song that you love, allowing it to flow through. When you start to worry about you or how you sound or whether you’re singing poorly, know that this mindset is clouding your clarity as a pure channel for the music, and reset your space to simply be a vehicle for the song you love, allowing it to flow through you.
Keep making music!
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10 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: come-on lines, common interests, getting to know someone, pick-up lines, sexual harassment, shared experiences
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Can you tell me how to get to know a woman without seeming creepy or like I’m harassing someone? I know these days it can be considered harassment to comment on a woman’s looks so how do I make my interest known without being a creep?
—A Good Guy (United States)
DEAR GOOD GUY:
That’s a great question and wonderful that you’re cognizant of avoiding potentially creepy come-on lines. How about just saying, “Hi. I’m ____. Nice to meet you.” Or even, “Hello. How are you?” Or comment on a shared experience. For example, if you’re at a bar and listening to a band, you can comment on the music. After you start a general conversation, if you seem to be hitting it off and have things in common, you could say something like, “I’ve enjoyed talking to you. Would you be interested in coffee (or dinner or whatever) sometime?”
Personally, as a woman, I am always much more interested in getting to know people who treat me like a person rather than getting to know men who just comment on my looks without knowing anything about me.
Thanks, Good Guy!
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09 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: autopilot, being heard, checked out, couples therapy, couples' yoga, hiking in nature, improving your relationship, nature, orgasmic meditation, tantra, therapy, unconscious, walking in nature, yoga
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am in a long-term relationship with a man who is very kind and polite to me but he is almost on autopilot and I feel like he never really listens to me. When I try to talk about my feelings, his eyes glaze over or he becomes even busier with work. How do I improve this relationship? I am not happy but I also care about him a lot and don’t want to leave him.
—Is There More Than This? (United States)
DEAR I.T.M.T.T.:
You can do your part but ultimately the relationship will not change unless he himself is willing to make some changes. Sometimes when people are working too much and perhaps not sleeping enough, this lifestyle can affect their cognitive functions such as focus or the ability to really listen. Another factor could be that some people feel overwhelmed when dealing with emotions (theirs or someone else’s) and they check out even more than they already are because they get overwhelmed and go unconscious to what’s going on around them or even inside of themselves.
Perhaps you can simply tell him how much you care about him and say that, because you care about him a lot and you’re invested in the relationship, you’d like to figure out a way that you can connect on a deeper level with each other. One thing you might want to try is couples therapy (and possibly individual therapy for him). Maybe you could also explore meditating together, or a grounding exercise like yoga or couples’ yoga, or spend more time together outside in nature where they are less distractions. You might even want to explore orgasmic meditation or tantra as well to help you both connect more deeply.
If he is unwilling to make any changes, you will need to decide whether the pleasure of being with him outweighs your feeling of not being heard or feeling like you are with someone on autopilot. Also, I encourage you to examine if this feeling of not being heard or of being on autopilot is something inside of you that he is simply reflecting back to you. I encourage you to work too to own your voice and your own consciousness and see if you start to notice some changes in him as you are working on yourself.
Much love.
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08 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Health, Uncategorized
Tags: aromatherapy, breaking bad habits, cigarettes, essential oils, healthy snacks, quitting smoking, stretching, vaping
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I’m having difficulties in stopping smoking. I’ve been a smoker all my adult life but I’ve been vaping for a few months (using an e-cigarette). However, lately I tend to fluctuate between vaping and having a few cigarettes a day when I’m tired, lonely or down.
I have identified that I smoke cigarettes by way of seeking comfort—to go unconscious for a few minutes in order to distract me from my feelings. In what ways can I go to myself for comfort as opposed to going to a cigarette? I hope I manage getting off the cigarettes and vaping in the long run for good.
—Desperately Seeking Comfort (Argentina)
DEAR D.S.C.:
Good awareness about your reasons for having smoked.
To comfort yourself, when you crave a cigarette, instead do some small thing that your body wants—do a nice stretch or have a healthy snack or take a whiff of one of your favorite essential oils. And consistently replace the ritual of smoking with whatever reward for your body you choose at trigger points of smoking—when you feel down or after dinner, or whenever you normally would have smoked.
Congratulations on taking care of and honoring your body and also for consciously changing old patterns. Good on you!
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07 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: clubs, making changes, meeting people, Meetup, moving on, potential mates
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I spent a lot of time getting to know and falling in love with someone special. We had great affinity and spent a lot of time together. Our paths went in different directions and I have moved on to a great degree, recognising it wasn’t meant to be. Although I don’t pine after this person any more, what I can’t get over is the belief that I won’t meet anyone else with whom I feel that merging of hearts and minds and souls. That I’ll ever feel as safe or wanted with anyone else. Or that my heart will skip a beat for someone else like it did for this person. Any thoughts on how to build a bridge and get over it once and for all? I’m so done with myself feeling this way. Thank you.
—Stuck (New Zealand)
DEAR S.:
Thank you for asking this question.
First, make space for your new mate by releasing old energies (old hopes and dreams about your previous relationship). Also, you might want to clean out any reminders of your old mate as well—photos, digital and otherwise. If you are friends on Facebook, perhaps unfollow him for a while until you’re solidly on a path where you don’t get caught up in moments of regret or fears that you won’t be able to feel that way about someone new.
You will indeed meet someone new but it’s important to get in a space where you will both recognize this new person as a potential mate and also have room in your heart for him. Get out there and join group activities such as Meetup or other clubs with people of similar interests. If you like hiking, look for a hiking group or a film group or singing group or whatever excites you. When you’re ready, you might even want to try online dating but you might want to start with groups so you can just have fun socializing and getting out and making new friends and being part of new communities.
Keep in mind that often when we want something and we’re impatient, it may feel like it will never happen or we cannot imagine how or when something will happen. Before you meet your old mate, do you remember feeling like you never would meet someone new? But you did, as you will again!
Much love.
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06 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: choosing a good guy, choosing bad guys, dating, fear, journaling, making healthy choices in relationships, meditation, relationships, self-awareness
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do I always choose the same type of “bad guy”? I do know better and I even recognize them but somehow I always ignore the good ones and go straight for the bad ones. What is wrong with me?
—Woman with Blinders On (United States)
DEAR WOMAN W.B.O.:
The fact that you’re asking this means that perhaps you’re one step closer to ditching the blinders! Notice any energies in you that make you choose a “bad guy.” Are they more exciting to you? Do you feel more special that you can secure a “bad guy”? Do you feel that, on some level, a “bad guy” is all you deserve? Are you worried that you will hurt a good guy if you are in a relationship with one, or that they will somehow be disappointed in you or by you once they get to know you? You might want to examine this through meditation and journaling and then go out into the dating world armed with your self-awareness and make conscious choices to go against past habits and to try dating some good guys. Notice what comes up in you as you’re dating a good guy. Are you wanting to sabotage the relationship? Does fear come up? The more you can be conscious of these energies, the more you can consciously make choices that are for your highest good.
Congratulations on your courage to look at these energies and to make a change in your life!
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04 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized
Tags: eliminating expenses, financial stability, how do i get financially stable?, living the good life, Oprah debt diet, Suze Orman, validating what you have
DEAR DALI MAMA:
How do I get financially stable?
—Wanting the Good Life (United States)
DEAR W.T.G.L.:
There are some great resources out there. Google “Oprah’s debt diet” and “Suze Orman.” Your local library will probably have Orman’s books as well as other good financial resources. Sometimes different cities and organization will offer low-cost or free financial counseling as well, so check into what’s available in your particular area.
In addition to that, start eliminating any unnecessary expenses. You might want to write down every penny you spend for a month so you can see where your money is leaking.
Also, spend time recognizing the value of all the things in your life that are free or that you already have and thank those items you own and the friends and loved ones in your life. Once you become more conscious of what you already have, you may find you have less desire for new things. You might also discover that in many ways, you’re already living the good life!!!
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03 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Family, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: bad mother, being your own mother, daughter, mother, unconditional love, validation
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am 28 and I love my mother and we are more like friendly strangers than mother and daughter. I always wanted more of a warm and fuzzy mom but I know that is never going to happen. Do I have to go through the rigmarole of playing daughter with someone that probably feels obligated to play mom to me?
—Wanting Something More Than This (United States)
DEAR W.S.M.T.T.:
It could be that your mother simply feels obliged to be in a mother role to you. It also could be possible that she has love for you in her heart that she can’t express well. Oftentimes, people may be relating in a way they’ve been related to, or perhaps she has been through something that has made her disconnect from her heart.
In any case, I wonder what would happen if you simply validate what is and validate her as someone who shows up (in whatever ways she shows up for you).
Perhaps you could also tell her you’d really like to get to know her better and see how she steps up. If she can’t step up as a more loving and maternal and nurturing presence in your life, validate her stepping up in the ways she does, and take this opportunity to learn how to be your own mother—to nurture yourself, to love yourself unconditionally, and to pay attention to what you need. That way, anything else is icing on the cake and you’ve learned a very important lesson—to be there unconditionally for yourself and to love yourself.
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02 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: breakups, counseling, supporting a friend through a breakup, trust
DEAR DALI MAMA:
A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend because recently she found out that actually he already has a girlfriend and has been in a very stable relationship. But whenever they met each other, he pretended so well to be single and lied to my friend that he loves her very much. Even his family helped him act out this stupid play.
Her heart is broken and this affects her work performance and life. She cries a lot and can’t fall asleep. How can I help her to deal with this terrible experience?
— Roger (Taiwan)
DEAR ROGER:
Thank you for being a caring friend. The world will be a better place when there are more people like you and less people who are busy deceiving and hurting others. Right now, the best thing you can do is just listen to her and hold space for her to grieve and to rebuild her life without this cad.
Perhaps you could help remind her of who she is by doing some things together once and a while that the two of you used to do before—whether that’s going and having coffee or shopping or cooking a good meal together. When she’s feeling more herself, perhaps you could get a small group together to do the same—cook a yummy meal together and eat it together! You can all remind her of all the people in her life who are real and true and who love her.
If things are still too difficult for her after a while (as well as too taxing on you because of course you alone cannot provide everything she might need right now), you might want to suggest she find a therapist or a counselor to help her process this deceit and to rebuild her ability to trust.
Thanks for being you, Roger!
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01 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Work
Tags: dealing with co-workers, dealing with nosy co-workers, humor, nosy co-workers, using humor in awkward social situations
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a man in his mid-30s. I work at an office with mostly women and they are always asking me questions about myself—who I am dating, what I am doing over the weekend, what I am eating. I know they’re trying to be nice but they’re basically intrusive. How do I get them to back off without offending them?
—Cornered (United States)
DEAR C.:
You might want to laugh off their questions and reply with ridiculous, obviously made-up answers. For example, the next time someone asks if you went on a date that weekend, tell them you took the entire volleyball league (and their managers) home Friday night and they didn’t leave till Monday morning, and then laugh. Hopefully, they will get the hint. Be consistent in not answering any intrusive questions so they know they won’t get any information out of you.
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