03 Oct 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, facebook, friending old boyfriend, reconnecting with old boyfriend, reconnecting with old boyfriend while married, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have been married for 21 years to a decent man but lately, I keep dreaming about my boyfriend from high school—sexy dreams. I looked him up on Facebook and saw he has an account but I have not friended him yet. Should I contact him?
–Tempted (United States)
DEAR TEMPTED:
I would advise you not to friend him on Facebook nor seek him out in any other way as long as you’re married to this decent man of yours. If you’re tempted now, how much more tempted will you be once you’re in contact with your old boyfriend, maybe even in regular contact with him. I suggest you not even open that door if you value your marriage and the vows you made.
Perhaps there is a part of you that is yearning for more passion in your life. Maybe it is time to take a tantric class with your husband or go somewhere together you’ve always wanted to go explore together or take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try.
NOTE TO READERS: I do free healings the first Sunday of each month. If you would like a free healing that day, email your healing request (with “free group healing” in the subject line) with your name and up to three healing requests to holdinglightproductions@yahoo.com. You may do this every month as many times as you like. I also invite you to send in your own questions to askdalimama@gmail.com.
01 Oct 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, creating a fresh start for yourself, creating new rituals, dali mama, getting over a breakup, getting over an old love, making room for new love, moving on after a relationship, rearranging your bedroom, spiritual advice column, switching routines
DEAR DALI MAMA:
How do I move on from an old love? Everywhere I go, I think I see him or people remind me of him or I remember when I was at certain restaurants with him when I’m out to eat.
–Lovelorn (United States)
DEAR LOVELORN:
Moving on from a relationship is difficult but it will get easier with time. Eventually, you can choose to keep memories of the great times you had together and release the memories and energy of the difficult times and of the breakup.
In the meantime, as you’re healing from the breakup, perhaps you can try out some new places (that you didn’t frequent with your old love) and shake things up—meet some new people, join a club, try a new restaurant, catch up with old friends….
You might want to also switch up your routine. If you had certain rituals with your old love, like taking a walk together after dinner, maybe you could go for a lunchtime walk or a walk before dinner. If you spent a lot of time together in your home, you might even want to switch things up at home—get a new comforter or rearrange your bedroom slightly so it has a different feel to it, signifying a new beginning and a fresh start for you and making room for new love in your life. Also it might be great to get rid of old momentos from the old relationship (photos of the two of you from the wall, for example), or at the very least, to put them in storage somewhere you’re not going to see them all the time.
Validate your ability to love and know that love will come to you again.
26 Sep 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, false pretenses, football, girlfriend changed when we got married, lack of sex, parents’ behaviors, parents’ patterns, sex, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am married to this chick that I feel misrepresented herself when we were dating. She said she liked football and we had lots of action too in the bedroom. As soon as the wedding was over, all of that stopped. She complains about me watching football and doesn’t want to watch it with me or my buddies. I won’t even get into the lack of action around here. I feel like I got married under false pretenses and now I’m either in hell or have to get a divorce and end up shelling out for alimony or whatever for years.
–Stuck (United States)
DEAR STUCK:
I can imagine the frustration you’re feeling. I think the first step would be to talk with her and find out what is going on. Did she ever really like football (or sex, for that matter), or was she behaving a certain way in order to try to get you to commit to her? I suggest you both go to couples counseling as well.
Sometimes people’s behaviors change once they get married because they fall into a trap of living out their parents’ dynamics or patterns without even being aware that this is what they’re doing.
It’ll be up to you both to get to the root of what is really going on here.
If she was pretending about those things the whole time you were dating, then you’ll have to see if there’s enough there in common between you two to continue down this path. You might be able to find new ways you can bond and connect, including improving the amount of “action,” or maybe, if the whole marriage was based on lies, cut your losses and make space for a relationship that suits you better.
NOTE TO READERS: I invite you to send in any questions to askdalimama@gmail.com or to write your question in the comments section.
18 Sep 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Money
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, cheap, dali mama, difference between cheap and frugal, frugal, line between cheap and frugal, smart, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My girlfriend thinks I’m really cheap. I don’t feel like I’m cheap, just frugal. And that I’m being smart. Where does the line fall between cheap and smart/frugal? Please help us resolve this dispute.
–Flummoxed (United States)
DEAR FLUMMOXED:
That’s a good question and the answer is different for every person and couple. One question to think about: Do you ever skimp on things that would make you or your girlfriend comfortable or your life easier even when you can easily afford them? If so, maybe in that moment, you could be being cheap rather than frugal. If you buy something that’s poorly made that will break soon because you don’t want to shell out money for something that will last even though you could use it, you might be being cheap rather than frugal.
However, if you don’t spend $20-$40 bucks on a dozen roses because you’d rather buy a rosebush to plant that will bear flowers for years, you’re probably being frugal/smart rather than cheap. This is an analogy, of course, but you get the idea.
12 Sep 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, bonding, dali mama, growing apart from husband, love, marriage, quality time, spiritual advice column, spouses growing apart, stale marriage
DEAR DALI MAMA: sept 12
I love my husband dearly and we have been married 17 years. I feel we’ve grown apart, however, and he has no interest in talking about or doing many of the things that have come to be very important to me. What should I/we do?
–Drifting Away (United States)
DEAR DRIFTING AWAY:
That’s important that you’re recognizing this drifting so you can both do something to address it. First, keep in mind that no one person can ever be everything that you want or have compatible characteristics on every level. For example, if you love going to the theater and your husband would rather be hung upside down for three hours than stuck in a theater for three hours, find a friend who loves the theater as much as you do and buy season tickets with that friend.
And hopefully there is at least one thing in all of the million possible things to do that you can both enjoy together. Play with the possibilities and find one or two things you can do together regularly to bond and spend quality time with each other. Since you still love him dearly, that is the most important thing and there is hope for the two of you. Ultimately, though, you both will have to do the work necessary or to decide together to let the marriage go if you’ve both truly drifted away to the point of no return.
Congratulations on doing the hard work necessary and taking a look at this.
11 Sep 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, friendship, friendship dynamics, mothering, relationship dynamics, smothering, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I often hang out with two female friends (I am a guy). I really like them but sometimes I feel picked at, like maybe they’re mothering me. Like they critique my clothes or talk about how to find a girlfriend for me—none of which I ever asked them to do. How do I change this dynamic? Still want to hang out with them but this is getting old.
–A Man (United States)
DEAR MAN:
Good awareness for looking at this. This is quite a common dynamic in U.S. culture, where women are often trained to “mother” men or try to “fix” them in some way, even when he doesn’t need fixing.
You might want to have a conversation with both of them at the same time and let them know how you feel. You’re probably going to have to train them to start interacting with you in a different way.
You might also want to notice if this is a common dynamic in your life—with friends, with your mother, with women at work, or whatever. If so, this could be a sign that you’re learning how to own your authority and certainty. When you’re obviously in your power—wearing your clothes with confidence no matter what you’re wearing, or certain and confident in dating and your choice of partners, most people don’t have the desire (or the nerve) to try to tell you what to do when you’re really owning your choices. Play with that and see what happens in your life and with the dynamic with your two friends.
09 Sep 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, etiquette, flaky friends, friendship, integrity, spiritual advice column, trust
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have a friend that constantly schedules with me, then cancels at the last minute. My friend’s sweet and fun but I’m beginning to feel the friendship is not worth it. What are your thoughts?
–Feeling Not So Friendly Anymore (United States)
DEAR FEELING:
Well, first you might want to use this opportunity to clear any energetic matches you have with your friend. It sounds like you’re not the type of person to schedule then flake out with your friends. Are you just as reliable at work? Or with family? Or with things that are just for you—like exercise, quiet time for yourself, journaling, staying within your budget, or whatever it is that you need to do just for you? Observe if you have any similar energetic matches with your friend and release them if you want, and call back all your reliability for yourself.
Next, you might want to sit down with your friend and have a talk if you haven’t already. Let them know this habit bothers you and let them know some specifics of how it has inconvenienced you—for example, maybe you turned down an invitation to a concert because you had already committed to getting together with this friend.
You might want to decide on the consequence of this behavior should it recur in the future. For example, in the future, maybe either you’ll only invite them to group parties where it doesn’t matter exactly how many people there are, or maybe you will decide to just use your time and energy getting together with people who keep their commitments to you in the same way you keep your commitments to them.
30 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, friend’s son in prison, prison, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My friend’s son recently went to prison. I want to support her but I don’t know what to say. Your thoughts?
–Wanna be a good friend (United States)
DEAR WANNA BE A GOOD FRIEND:
Perhaps you could tell her you are thinking of her and that you love her. Maybe you could also take her to lunch and talk—talk about fun things if she wants to or just listen if she wants to talk about what she’s experiencing. Let her guide the conversation as far as what she needs and wants.
If you know her son well, perhaps you could send him a letter in prison, letting him know that you are thinking of him. If you care about them both, showing that you still care about him regardless of his situation might just be the best thing you can do for your friend.
29 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Children, Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, BABY, bonding with a baby, dali mama, doctor, post-partum depression, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I have a very big problem. I have a baby and I don’t even like her. I feel so strange and I can’t even talk to anyone about this. What is wrong with me?
–Not a Natural Woman (United States)
DEAR N.A.N.W.:
Please speak to your doctor immediately and your partner or family if you have one. Many women experience post-partum depression, which affects their ability to bond with their baby. Sometimes certain operations can temporarily disrupt the bonding process with your baby as well.
If you feel at all like you want to hurt your baby, please let someone you trust know right away—your parents, your partner, your doctor, your clergy, etc., and find someone who can take care of the baby until you feel like you can handle this safely.
If, however, you and your doctor and partner feel you can safely take care of this baby, there are some things you can do to develop a bond with her.
Sometimes past-life dynamics can affect a relationship between a mother and a child. Practice gently holding your baby and just being love, letting love emanate from your center through your aura layers and out your arms and hands as you hold your daughter. Let the love flow through you to everything and everyone around you, including your baby.
Also practice holding your baby, looking upon her face and her eyes with love, and giving her lots of love with the intention of also giving yourself love as you express that love to her.
Kudos on taking steps to strengthen this important relationship in your life, which is the first step to being a great parent.
27 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, gossip, spiritual advice column, toxic behavior
DEAR DALI MAMA:
One of my friends I’ve known for years is always gossiping about other people to me, including our mutual friends. I can’t stand it. At this point, I don’t think I even want to continue being friends. Your advice?
–Fed up (United States)
DEAR FED UP:
Congratulations on not engaging in the gossip mill. It’s smart, too, as she probably would gossip about you if she gossips about others. The next time she tries to tell you gossip, simply tell her you don’t want to hear it. If she keeps going, say, “I have to go,” and either get off the phone or walk away. Then see what she does. It’ll make her think and hopefully she’ll think about her toxic behavior and will apologize and stop doing it. You might have to do this a few times as it’s probably become such an ingrained habit, she’ll fall into it sometimes. If she doesn’t stop, perhaps you can transition her from friend status to a friendly acuqintance, and make space in your life instead for someone who honors the true meaning of friendship.
26 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, communication, core values, dali mama, laughter, relationships, spiritual advice column, trust
DEAR DALI MAMA:
How do you know if a guy is the one for you? I’ve been with someone for almost a year now but I’m still not sure.
–Love-Confused (Brazil)
DEAR LOVE-CONFUSED:
Congratulations on having the courage to look at this so you can make a conscious choice for your relationship.
Some things to think about…. Is your life better with this guy or without him? Do you feel comfortable with this guy yet also motivated to continually grow and improve yourself with this guy? If everything fell away from this guy (his looks, his job, his title, his home, his car, etc.), would you want to be with this man? Is he strong in himself? Do you share core values? Do you trust him? Can you be yourself with him? Can he communicate with you when things get tough? Do you make each other laugh? If he never changed at all, would you be happy being with him exactly as he is?
Relationships are complex but these are some starter questions to look at in contemplating whether or not you wish to continue this relationship.
Wishing you much love.
20 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, boredom, community, dali mama, groups, in-fighting, politics, spiritual advice column, why do groups break up
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do groups always break up? Bands, families, clubs, etc.? I keep trying to join groups but things always disintegrate for some reason or another—politics, in-fighting, boredom, I don’t know. I want to find some kind of community that can gel and stay the course.
–Loner but don’t want to be (United States)
DEAR L.B.D.W.T.B.:
That’s an excellent question. I believe it has to do with everyone’s issues being exponentially magnified when in a group. Of course, even an individual has his/her own issues that need to be addressed. When you get two people together, you have the first person’s issues, the second person’s issues, and then the issues of the joint entity that is made up of the two individuals. This becomes more and more complicated the more people are in a group, so you can only imagine although you don’t have to because, no doubt, you’ve seen a lot already without having to imagine.
It takes a lot to keep a group together. Often it is one or more key people—a social lynchpin, if you will. But it takes commitment on the part of each member of the group to stay the course even when difficult issues come up. It helps to have the group focus on a common goal (the fun of playing together if it’s a band or even a common goal such as getting to a certain level of fame or whatever). Only the most committed can stay the course. Sometimes, too, the group evolves and some members may decide they simply no longer fit, and that is okay as well.
Perhaps it is up to you now to find like-minded people and to create a space and forum to bring all of you together. Enjoy the process of building a community.
18 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, controlling my words, controlling what I say, dali mama, insecurity, motormouth, power of words, self-confidence, spiritual advice column, validation
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Sometimes when I’m with my boyfriend (usually with him but sometimes with my sister or once in a while with friends), I’ll hear something that makes me feel insecure and then I’ll say something really awful to make him or them feel the same way I do. What is wrong with me and why do I do this and how do I change this?
–Mean Motormouth (United States)
DEAR M.M.:
Well, you’ve already done the most important thing in changing this behavior, which is taking a look at why you engage in this pattern and being aware that you do this.
And there’s nothing wrong with you, per se. You’re just being human. Perhaps, though, you are learning in this lifetime about how to use the power of your words in a way that is both constructive and positive. When you have power using negative words, that means that you can have even more power than you harness your gift of language for good and for the light.
To start changing your old patterns, take an extra breath and pause for a moment when you feel that impulse to say something mean to make someone else feel insecure. First, reset your space so that you validate yourself. For example, if you’re insecure about your schoolwork, validate that you’re great in a particular subject. If you’re insecure about your looks, validate a part of you that is beautiful. Once you do this and get more and more in a habit of doing this, you’ll notice the urge to say something to cut someone down or make them feel insecure will start to dissipate more and more until maybe you rarely feel like you need to say those kinds of things anymore.
Congratulations on taking a look at this so you can evolve into the powerful-tongued (perhaps even a writer) self that you were born to be.
16 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Family, Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, dali mama, parents fight all the time, spiritual advice column
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My parents fight all the time. They fight about a lot of stuff. Sometimes they fight about me. How can I stop this?
–Tired Out (United States)
DEAR TIRED OUT:
It is very difficult to keep other people from fighting, particularly when they’re your parents. Perhaps what you can focus on for now is how you handle their fighting. Are you taking on responsibility for their fighting, especially when they fight about you? If so, recognize that their fighting ultimately has nothing to do with you, even if you or subjects related to you seem to be a point of contention between them. Even if you were elsewhere, I guarantee you they would be fighting anyway.
You might also want to use this opportunity to delve and live in a space of your own inner peace, no matter what the people around you are doing. Do this and maybe just a little bit of this may rub off on the people around you. Maybe, maybe not, but you will ultimately be healthier and happier this way.
Much peace and love to you on your journey.
12 Aug 2014
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships
Tags: advice column, ask dali mama, broken heart, dali mama, loss, mourning, spiritual advice column, twin flame, twin flame has passed away
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Please, I need help. The love of my life of 46 years has passed, I know he was my twin flame and I can’t go on without him. It has only been a few days I have gotten so many signs, but that is not enough. I want him incarnate back to earth somehow in another person (you know what I am saying). Have you ever heard of this? Please tell me what you know about this and how can I make this happen.
–Missing Him (Country Unknown)
DEAR MISSING HIM:
I am very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine exactly what it is like for you to lose your twin flame. Your love will reincarnate on earth but it might not be right away. You might need to wait until your next time as well so you can both be closer in age to each other or able to meet more easily next time around.
Although there have been some cases where people incarnate into another’s body (like a walk-in), it is not always the best thing in every circumstance.
I suggest you pray that you will both come together in the physical and meet again in divine timing that is right for both of you.
In the meantime, although it is not the same of course, keep communicating to your beloved in spirit. We all are spirit and therefore we are all eternal. Please know that your spiritual and love bond will never be broken even when he is without his previous body.
My heart is with you in this challenging time. I hope that, if you want, you will try to have joy and love as your twin flame would wish for you to have.
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