09 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: autopilot, being heard, checked out, couples therapy, couples' yoga, hiking in nature, improving your relationship, nature, orgasmic meditation, tantra, therapy, unconscious, walking in nature, yoga
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am in a long-term relationship with a man who is very kind and polite to me but he is almost on autopilot and I feel like he never really listens to me. When I try to talk about my feelings, his eyes glaze over or he becomes even busier with work. How do I improve this relationship? I am not happy but I also care about him a lot and don’t want to leave him.
—Is There More Than This? (United States)
DEAR I.T.M.T.T.:
You can do your part but ultimately the relationship will not change unless he himself is willing to make some changes. Sometimes when people are working too much and perhaps not sleeping enough, this lifestyle can affect their cognitive functions such as focus or the ability to really listen. Another factor could be that some people feel overwhelmed when dealing with emotions (theirs or someone else’s) and they check out even more than they already are because they get overwhelmed and go unconscious to what’s going on around them or even inside of themselves.
Perhaps you can simply tell him how much you care about him and say that, because you care about him a lot and you’re invested in the relationship, you’d like to figure out a way that you can connect on a deeper level with each other. One thing you might want to try is couples therapy (and possibly individual therapy for him). Maybe you could also explore meditating together, or a grounding exercise like yoga or couples’ yoga, or spend more time together outside in nature where they are less distractions. You might even want to explore orgasmic meditation or tantra as well to help you both connect more deeply.
If he is unwilling to make any changes, you will need to decide whether the pleasure of being with him outweighs your feeling of not being heard or feeling like you are with someone on autopilot. Also, I encourage you to examine if this feeling of not being heard or of being on autopilot is something inside of you that he is simply reflecting back to you. I encourage you to work too to own your voice and your own consciousness and see if you start to notice some changes in him as you are working on yourself.
Much love.
08 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Health, Uncategorized
Tags: aromatherapy, breaking bad habits, cigarettes, essential oils, healthy snacks, quitting smoking, stretching, vaping
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I’m having difficulties in stopping smoking. I’ve been a smoker all my adult life but I’ve been vaping for a few months (using an e-cigarette). However, lately I tend to fluctuate between vaping and having a few cigarettes a day when I’m tired, lonely or down.
I have identified that I smoke cigarettes by way of seeking comfort—to go unconscious for a few minutes in order to distract me from my feelings. In what ways can I go to myself for comfort as opposed to going to a cigarette? I hope I manage getting off the cigarettes and vaping in the long run for good.
—Desperately Seeking Comfort (Argentina)
DEAR D.S.C.:
Good awareness about your reasons for having smoked.
To comfort yourself, when you crave a cigarette, instead do some small thing that your body wants—do a nice stretch or have a healthy snack or take a whiff of one of your favorite essential oils. And consistently replace the ritual of smoking with whatever reward for your body you choose at trigger points of smoking—when you feel down or after dinner, or whenever you normally would have smoked.
Congratulations on taking care of and honoring your body and also for consciously changing old patterns. Good on you!
07 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: clubs, making changes, meeting people, Meetup, moving on, potential mates
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I spent a lot of time getting to know and falling in love with someone special. We had great affinity and spent a lot of time together. Our paths went in different directions and I have moved on to a great degree, recognising it wasn’t meant to be. Although I don’t pine after this person any more, what I can’t get over is the belief that I won’t meet anyone else with whom I feel that merging of hearts and minds and souls. That I’ll ever feel as safe or wanted with anyone else. Or that my heart will skip a beat for someone else like it did for this person. Any thoughts on how to build a bridge and get over it once and for all? I’m so done with myself feeling this way. Thank you.
—Stuck (New Zealand)
DEAR S.:
Thank you for asking this question.
First, make space for your new mate by releasing old energies (old hopes and dreams about your previous relationship). Also, you might want to clean out any reminders of your old mate as well—photos, digital and otherwise. If you are friends on Facebook, perhaps unfollow him for a while until you’re solidly on a path where you don’t get caught up in moments of regret or fears that you won’t be able to feel that way about someone new.
You will indeed meet someone new but it’s important to get in a space where you will both recognize this new person as a potential mate and also have room in your heart for him. Get out there and join group activities such as Meetup or other clubs with people of similar interests. If you like hiking, look for a hiking group or a film group or singing group or whatever excites you. When you’re ready, you might even want to try online dating but you might want to start with groups so you can just have fun socializing and getting out and making new friends and being part of new communities.
Keep in mind that often when we want something and we’re impatient, it may feel like it will never happen or we cannot imagine how or when something will happen. Before you meet your old mate, do you remember feeling like you never would meet someone new? But you did, as you will again!
Much love.
06 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: choosing a good guy, choosing bad guys, dating, fear, journaling, making healthy choices in relationships, meditation, relationships, self-awareness
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do I always choose the same type of “bad guy”? I do know better and I even recognize them but somehow I always ignore the good ones and go straight for the bad ones. What is wrong with me?
—Woman with Blinders On (United States)
DEAR WOMAN W.B.O.:
The fact that you’re asking this means that perhaps you’re one step closer to ditching the blinders! Notice any energies in you that make you choose a “bad guy.” Are they more exciting to you? Do you feel more special that you can secure a “bad guy”? Do you feel that, on some level, a “bad guy” is all you deserve? Are you worried that you will hurt a good guy if you are in a relationship with one, or that they will somehow be disappointed in you or by you once they get to know you? You might want to examine this through meditation and journaling and then go out into the dating world armed with your self-awareness and make conscious choices to go against past habits and to try dating some good guys. Notice what comes up in you as you’re dating a good guy. Are you wanting to sabotage the relationship? Does fear come up? The more you can be conscious of these energies, the more you can consciously make choices that are for your highest good.
Congratulations on your courage to look at these energies and to make a change in your life!
04 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized
Tags: eliminating expenses, financial stability, how do i get financially stable?, living the good life, Oprah debt diet, Suze Orman, validating what you have
DEAR DALI MAMA:
How do I get financially stable?
—Wanting the Good Life (United States)
DEAR W.T.G.L.:
There are some great resources out there. Google “Oprah’s debt diet” and “Suze Orman.” Your local library will probably have Orman’s books as well as other good financial resources. Sometimes different cities and organization will offer low-cost or free financial counseling as well, so check into what’s available in your particular area.
In addition to that, start eliminating any unnecessary expenses. You might want to write down every penny you spend for a month so you can see where your money is leaking.
Also, spend time recognizing the value of all the things in your life that are free or that you already have and thank those items you own and the friends and loved ones in your life. Once you become more conscious of what you already have, you may find you have less desire for new things. You might also discover that in many ways, you’re already living the good life!!!
03 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Family, Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: bad mother, being your own mother, daughter, mother, unconditional love, validation
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am 28 and I love my mother and we are more like friendly strangers than mother and daughter. I always wanted more of a warm and fuzzy mom but I know that is never going to happen. Do I have to go through the rigmarole of playing daughter with someone that probably feels obligated to play mom to me?
—Wanting Something More Than This (United States)
DEAR W.S.M.T.T.:
It could be that your mother simply feels obliged to be in a mother role to you. It also could be possible that she has love for you in her heart that she can’t express well. Oftentimes, people may be relating in a way they’ve been related to, or perhaps she has been through something that has made her disconnect from her heart.
In any case, I wonder what would happen if you simply validate what is and validate her as someone who shows up (in whatever ways she shows up for you).
Perhaps you could also tell her you’d really like to get to know her better and see how she steps up. If she can’t step up as a more loving and maternal and nurturing presence in your life, validate her stepping up in the ways she does, and take this opportunity to learn how to be your own mother—to nurture yourself, to love yourself unconditionally, and to pay attention to what you need. That way, anything else is icing on the cake and you’ve learned a very important lesson—to be there unconditionally for yourself and to love yourself.
02 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: breakups, counseling, supporting a friend through a breakup, trust
DEAR DALI MAMA:
A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend because recently she found out that actually he already has a girlfriend and has been in a very stable relationship. But whenever they met each other, he pretended so well to be single and lied to my friend that he loves her very much. Even his family helped him act out this stupid play.
Her heart is broken and this affects her work performance and life. She cries a lot and can’t fall asleep. How can I help her to deal with this terrible experience?
— Roger (Taiwan)
DEAR ROGER:
Thank you for being a caring friend. The world will be a better place when there are more people like you and less people who are busy deceiving and hurting others. Right now, the best thing you can do is just listen to her and hold space for her to grieve and to rebuild her life without this cad.
Perhaps you could help remind her of who she is by doing some things together once and a while that the two of you used to do before—whether that’s going and having coffee or shopping or cooking a good meal together. When she’s feeling more herself, perhaps you could get a small group together to do the same—cook a yummy meal together and eat it together! You can all remind her of all the people in her life who are real and true and who love her.
If things are still too difficult for her after a while (as well as too taxing on you because of course you alone cannot provide everything she might need right now), you might want to suggest she find a therapist or a counselor to help her process this deceit and to rebuild her ability to trust.
Thanks for being you, Roger!
01 Nov 2017
by askdalimama
in Work
Tags: dealing with co-workers, dealing with nosy co-workers, humor, nosy co-workers, using humor in awkward social situations
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I am a man in his mid-30s. I work at an office with mostly women and they are always asking me questions about myself—who I am dating, what I am doing over the weekend, what I am eating. I know they’re trying to be nice but they’re basically intrusive. How do I get them to back off without offending them?
—Cornered (United States)
DEAR C.:
You might want to laugh off their questions and reply with ridiculous, obviously made-up answers. For example, the next time someone asks if you went on a date that weekend, tell them you took the entire volleyball league (and their managers) home Friday night and they didn’t leave till Monday morning, and then laugh. Hopefully, they will get the hint. Be consistent in not answering any intrusive questions so they know they won’t get any information out of you.
31 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized
Tags: attracting money, education, financial education, making money, Money, self-esteem, self-worth
(DEAR FRIENDS, PLEASE PARDON MY LONG ABSENCE. I WAS OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND UNABLE TO ACCESS THE SECURITY CODES ON MY PHONE THAT I NEEDED IN ORDER TO POST.)
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do some people seem to have much better luck with money than others?
—Curious (Brazil)
DEAR CURIOUS:
Sometimes people that have a strong sense of their own self-worth and a strong sense of havingness (capacity to receive and have certain things) tend to attract money and opportunities to have and to make money.
Sometimes, too, it may seem like people have better luck with money than others but they have developed smart ways to manage their money, whether through study or from growing up around people with healthy money habits.
In some cases, people were born into a certain lifetime with the mockup to have a lot of money for various reasons, including so they can help others financially.
There are many reasons but the best thing we can do is to work hard, educate ourselves financially, and make smart decisions based on what we learn while developing the energies that support our wealth (strong self-esteem and self-worth, for example).
13 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Health, Sex, Uncategorized
Tags: hiking, Pure Barre, sex, snorkeling, yoga, zumba
DEAR DALI MAMA:
What kind of exercise do you love for yourself?
—Just Curious
DEAR JUST CURIOUS:
Oh, thank you for this very easy-to-answer question. I love zumba and Pure Barre (especially at the studio in Broomfield, Colorado, http://purebarre.com/co-broomfield) and yoga and I also love to go hiking with my friends. I also love snorkeling although I have not gotten to do it all that often. Oh, and of course sex, which is great cardio, great glute and other exercise, and just plain fun. Haha.
12 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Love & Relationships, Uncategorized
Tags: first impressions, first meetings, karma, love, past lives, resistance
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do I love some people instantly and not love some people instantly?
—Wanting to Love Everyone (United States)
DEAR W.T.L.E.:
That’s a complicated question with many factors but I’ll give you a very simple answer.
Sometimes our reactions to certain people are related to past lives we’ve had—knowing them in a past life can make up sometimes instantly be drawn to someone or to instantly wince upon meeting them for the first time in this lifetime. And sometimes be instantly drawn to someone only later to deplore them—that can also be related to past lives.
Sometimes, too, we may want to avoid people because they are reflecting back to us stuff we haven’t dealt with within ourselves. For example, if someone tends to be very controlling, we may resist them if we ourselves are controlling or are not neutral to control energy.
In the end, I believe we’re all come from love and we are all made of love. Sometimes it just takes longer to remember that. : )
11 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized
Tags: free will, predicting the future, prediction, psychic
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My psychic told me something would happen a certain way but it didn’t. Does that mean he’s not a good psyschic?
—Wondering (Brazil)
DEAR WONDERING:
That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not a good psychic. It’s just indicative of how energies can shift according to the choices that you and others make. For example, a psychic can tell you that you can be an Olympic athlete. Maybe that person sees you have the capability. However, if all you do is eat pizza and refuse to get off the couch, you are unlikely to become an Olympic athlete.
Then again, if he is consistently way off base, he’s probably not a good psychic. Haha.
Ultimately, no one can predict the future because every choice we make can change the future. The best thing to do is decide what you want to create, make a plan on how to do so, and then do it!i
10 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized, Work
Tags: working with someone you can't stand working with
DEAR DALI MAMA:
I always get stuck with one person I can’t stand working with in my team at my warehouse job. How do I handle this?
—Stuck (Canada)
DEAR S.:
What is it about this person that makes you not want to work with him/her? Have you addressed the issue with the person in a constructive manner? If so, and there is never any change, notice what you have in common with that person. Sometimes, people drive us crazy because we have similar qualities or energies within us that drive ourselves crazy, or simply resistance to those particular habits or energies. Once you are aware of your matches with that person and become neutral to them, notice if you still can’t stand working with that person.
At that point, if you still don’t want to work with that person, take proactive measures such as requesting a team member that has a parallel title or skills with that person you don’t want to work with and request that other team member for your team.
09 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Children, Family, Uncategorized
Tags: competition, cooperative games, noncompetitive board games, teamwork
DEAR DALI MAMA:
My three kids are all in sports at school and are so competitive, even at video games or board games. It’s almost scary. How do I foster more teamwork and less competitiveness among them?
—Mother of the Lords of the Flies
DEAR MOTHER:
Thank you for this question.
You might want to encourage them to play games that require teamwork instead of game that pit each other against one another. I don’t know how old your kids are so maybe you could google “noncompetitive board games” and see what comes up that is appropriate for your children’s ages and needs. There are also a couple sites, https://cooperativegames.com/ and http://www.lifescript.com/well-being/articles/t/tools_for_building_teamwork_at_home.aspx, that you might want to check out.
You (and your spouse/partner) might also want to play with noncompetitive language and language that isn’t goal oriented. For example, instead of “You are the best goalie ever,” you could say something like, “You really paid attention to all the balls coming in.”
Warm wishes to you! Your kids are lucky.
07 Oct 2017
by askdalimama
in Uncategorized, Work
Tags: advancing in my career, career, getting promoted
DEAR DALI MAMA:
Why do people always want me to be their assistant instead of promoting me or giving me higher-level jobs?
—Stunted in My Career (United States)
DEAR S.I.M.C.:
Haha. Well, there are a number of possible reasons for this. One possibility might be that you are too phenomenal at your job and your bosses have the smarts to recognize this and are unwilling to let you move into another position. Put together a list of your qualifications and a list of what you’ve done for the company as well as reasons you’d be ideal for other positions, then have a talk with your supervisor. Let him/her know that you are excited about using your skills in an expanded arena, and ask about what you need to do to secure a position you’d like (and have some specific open positions in mind).
If your supervisor is not open to the idea of you being promoted to another position, ask what their reservations are as far as you moving into another position. If they really need you to keep doing one particular aspect of your current job, perhaps you could negotiate to keep doing that specific part of your job for them while undertaking a new position. There are many ways to make it a win-win situation for everyone. Have fun exploring!
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